Associated Press (July 5, 2000)
The Church of the Sub-Genius' X-Day celebration was foiled by a raging
Lee Travino, Pro Tour Golfer, yesterday, sending stunned shockwaves
through the ranks of that upstart religion.
Travino, a semi-mythical anti-hero to the religion of the Sub-Genius,
drove straight into the assembled crowd in his own, specially
modified, golf cart.
The golf cart was 85 feet long, with steel-vanadium armor plating,
three high-velocity golf-ball cannons, and a modified howitzer that
fired explosive nine irons. Travino plowed through the crowd, until
stopped by the unimposing figure of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the founder and
spiritual leader of the Church of the Sub-Genius. Dobbs shattered the
juggernautical Golf Cart with his favorite pipe, which we are told
was filled with a special, magical pipe tobacco, which had been
soaked for twenty years in a bottle of 300 year old scotch that was
supposedly stolen from the liquor cabinet of Ian Graemach, founder of
the Scottish martial art 'YaBastird', in 1695.
Travino fled the scene after the loss of his golf cart, but not before
he had scared away the "X-ists", the alien race which the church
believes will rescue the saved before the earth gets turned into a
truck stop for interstellar long-haul drivers. Neither Dobbs nor any
ranking Church official could be reached for comment, but one dazed
congregation member was heared to scream "Travino will sit on the
Stark Fist!" as he fled the field.
Original file name: Associated Press Report
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