FAQ: Sex With Jesus and Magdalen

From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>

Every year the Lord and I have to explain our sexual policies to eager
young yetis on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes people break the rules
without knowing it, forcing me to add to my "bitch" reputation. To
avoid confusion, I've put together this FAQ, which I will print out and
keep handy for next year.

Q: Are Jesus and Magdalen REALLY married? Or is that one of the wacky
SubGenius Jokes?

A: Yes. The Holy Marriage is certified by the State of Texas, one of
the few states left where adultery is punishable by jail time. But more
importantly, it's sanctified by CONNIE!

Q: I'm a big-titted female slut who wants some of that Jesus cock.
Should I ask him for it in front of a lot of people?

A: You should not ask Jesus at all! Magdalen is the GateKeeper, Jesus
is the KeyMaster. Jesus' cock can only be had after a hefty
tongue-lapping fee has been paid to Magdalen. If you decide the price
is worth it, ask PRIVATELY. The Holy Couple retired from public porn
years ago.

Q: I'm a dominant, agressive Yeti male who wants some of that Magdalen
pussy. Should I ask Jesus about it?

A: No, you should just forget about it and masturbate instead.

Q: I'm a submissive, strikingly-good-looking Yeti male who just wants to
be the sexual slave or "pony boy" of both Jesus and Magdalen, obeying
their every perverted whim. Do I have a chance?

A: See Magdalen -- this might be your lucky day!

Q: I'm a cute little female nympho dyke that just wants Magdalen. What
should I do?

A: Be direct! Approach Magdalen privately, and describe in detail your
plan for orgasmic lesbian sex. Willingness to be videotaped is a plus.

Q: I'm a nasty skank homewrecker who wants to destroy the family life of
Jesus and Magdalen by getting all freaky and becoming a stalker. What
are my best options?

A: In Texas, each household has an average of three guns. Stalking
isn't too much of a problem here, since it is perfectly legal to kill
anyone who refuses to leave your yard. Don't let it happen to you.

Q: I followed all the rules, but they STILL won't have sex with me...
what am I doing wrong?

A: Be sure that you closely follow Reverend Stang's five-point Keys of
Slack. Especially the part about washing. But it does sometimes happen
that for unkown reasons, the sparks refuse to fly. In that case, we can
still be friends.

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