Friends (can I call you "friends"?)...In the spirit of conversions
everywhere, I must present my CONVERSION RANT
Last Wednesday I got my first pamphlet from the SubG
foundation, just one(though I did send in $2.00 U.S.) but I thought,
what the hell, this single densely-packed diatribe on the church and
how it can help ME is well worth the two bucks. But, because Stang is
an honest bulldada salesman, and the postal service sucks donkeys...
yesterday I got my other SubGenius pamphlet, the one they call, #1.
Well, I'll blow Daddy, if that wasn't the most moving piece of
literature I've ever read. (disclaimer: I was excremeditating at the
time of the reading however, and that may have had something to do
with my own personal reaction.) How does one explain what it is like
to be able to say, "these are my people"?
I mean, I'm 41 years old and it wasn't until last year that I
decided what I wanted to be when I grow up. That's not to say that I
haven't done anything in the last 25 years (au contraire, I've done
more shit than most Pink folks dream of in a lifetime, and had a
damned good time doing it to! I just procrastinated on getting rich
and famous until lately when I figured out how it can be done and
still find as much slack as possible).
I've always been associated with colleges or Universities in
some fashion. I think I like college-aged people because they are
still pissed off enough at their parents to be a little pissed off at
society in general, and usually smart enough and mentally flexible
enough to listen to other points of view. Rigidity is anathema to me,
and because I am such a sarcastic, cynical bitch, I have many friends
who are in their 20's as well as the few who are latent SubGenii.
Clue to spotting Normals among your friends: when they have kids,they
turn into their parents. They stop doing everything that is bad for
them, they don't cuss, spit or chew, or hang with those that do.
Hey, fuck 'em! My kids turned out exceedingly cool and I didn't have
to change anything).
Now I find this enclave of freaks, mutants, and weirdos (and
hopefully some like myself, who are not social outcasts, but merely
keen observers) only a couple of hours away from me. I'd read about
the church in "The Fringes of Reason" several years ago and was amused,
intrigued, and titillated ("Bob" is a very sexy man/demi-god), but the
pamphlets turned the trick!
Yes, Stang...I'm sending you MORE money! (see folks, it works
..the luck plane tilts yet again in favor of Rev. Stang and why?
because "Bob" loves him! And I know in my heart that "Bob" loves ME
too! Why? because I had an excellent gut-blowout during my SubG
excremeditation, and laughed my ass off! I don't want a God without a
decent sense of humor.) I WILL become a minister in this church and I
WILL spread the word of "Bob" to the blindfolded SubG's, who walk
among us unknowing, and bumping into things.
Here is the real purpose of this rant...A fool hates to walk
alone. If *I* sent this man $2, then I don't want to be alone.
There are supposedly 60,000 people who read this newsgroup (if I
remember the figure correctly). Now, at a buck each, that's a fair
living for an author raising a family in an expensive community like
Dallas. He's worth it! The pamphlet is jam-packed with soul-saving
information. YOU NEED IT!! Besides, you're going to feel like such
an asshole when the X-ists come and take all of us away and you have
to stay here and watch really bad TV. Order now, operators are sitting
on their asses waiting!
The SubGenius Foundation: P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, Texas 75214
Rideo ergo sum-Tarla
Subject: Re: Conversion Rant
From: email@example.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
In article <firstname.lastname@example.org>, TarlaStar <email@example.com> wrote:
> Here is the real purpose of this rant...A fool hates to walk
> alone. If *I* sent this man $2, then I don't want to be alone.
> There are supposedly 60,000 people who read this newsgroup (if I
> remember the figure correctly). Now, at a buck each, that's a fair
> living for an author raising a family in an expensive community like
> Dallas. He's worth it! The pamphlet is jam-packed with soul-saving
> information. YOU NEED IT!! Besides, you're going to feel like such
> an asshole when the X-ists come and take all of us away and you have
> to stay here and watch really bad TV. Order now, operators are sitting
> on their asses waiting!
Such a beautiful testimony. Can I hear a WITNESS!
So true, so true.
Now if those other 59,999 alt.slack readers would just send in that buck
we could print a Stark Fist and buy air-conditioned doghouses for Beast
For $2, High Employee Will O'Dobbs should have sent you a Pamphlet #1 AND
a catalog. Well, that's 2,000 demerits for him.
4,000 more demerits and he'll win that baseball glove he wants so much.
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