Now On The Net

By Joshua C. Horton <>
Date: 22 Feb 1995

Yes I am Now on the Net, and watching your posts for signs of
life. Unfortunately I find much that bores me, but in that there is
hope. Where that hope is, is an even bigger question. Perhaps the hope
is in the valiant struggle for slack that drives this nation of Subs even
to doubt their own faith, that which was hard-won on these battlefields
not too long ago.

For my initiation into the Church of the SubGenius I was forced
into a vegetarian diet for, oh say five years. Then I was forced to do
so many pushups that my mind became blurry from lack of protein. Thus, I
was forced again into a carnivorous diet.

My friends were labeled 'pinks' and virtually dumped into
Manhattan's West River. I was sequestered from my family, forced to give
up smoking, administered dangerous drugs and was kept from communicating
with outsiders. I wasn't allowed to party, to have a girlfriend, or to
visit clubs or bars. Any entertainment was prescribed by my SubGenius
Doktor, who was so ugly I couldn't look at him without puking. In fact
he was a vampire and sucked my slack to the very bone.

I realized change had to come when I was coerced off a 16-story
building and onto the ledge, 'just for the view.' This was a stupid act
and should never be tried at home. The very fact that my real name, and
not some stupid handle, will verify the truth to what I'm saying. But
the really scary part of all of this was: I believed that what I was
involved with was (to use Janor's line) a very GROWTHFUL process! I
thought I was EVOLVING by doing all this! I shudder to think what would
have happened to me if I had FALLEN off that ledge.

Two years later I had my official initiation into the cult. My
hand was placed underneath a very real metal spike, wielded by an
anonymous (for now) Doktor. We were both drunk and he was blindfolded.
To prove my Faith in "Bob" it was suggested that I allow my hand to
remain upon the wooden stump/table while the spike was driven into the
wood, missing my hand and drawing no blood.

Sounds great? You bet! You too can be 'initiated' into a secret
society, gain all kinds of esoteric knowledge, and find acceptance with
the 'in' crowd. But know ye this: The spike I was given that night was
MINE and MINE ALONE. "Bob" HAD to give me the spike as a symbol, a token
of the strength of FAITH it took to rid my life of that blood-sucking and
slack-sucking vampire that dominated my life for months, in the
beginning. The spike was a symbol of my emancipation, of the
emancipation of ALL MUTANTKIND on that fateful day when those who would
enslave us will melt and crumble into dust at the first rays of the
glorious XISTS' approach. SubGenius might give a quick fix of the glands
but, then again, Oz never gave the Tin Man anything he didn't already have.

It sounds to me like the plight of Dennis L. Erlich and the
Church of Scientology might be explained to us NOT in the hot water as
his own personal Test of Faith. Why, just 3 weeks prior to the invasion
of Dennis' privacy by the feds, wasn't he ordained by our own Rev.
Stang? We could all take a lesson from this interesting development of a
guy who seems to me, with limited exposure, to have divined a clear path
to slack. With best wishes to His success,

Dr. Ginsu

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