Hitler's Pet Shop

From: ePRONO <nenslo@subgenius.com>

Germany enters Hitler's pet shop.

Germany: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

Hitler: We're closin' for lunch.

Germany: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Reich
what I purchased not nine years ago from this very boutique.

Hitler: Oh yes, the, uh, the Thousand Year Reich...What's, uh...What's
wrong with it?

Germany: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's
what's wrong with it!

Hitler: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

Germany: Look, matey, I know a dead Reich when I see one, and I'm
looking at one right now.

Hitler: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable Reich, the
Thousand Year, idn'it, ay? Beautiful uniforms!

Germany: The uniforms don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Hitler: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Germany: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at
the cage) 'Ello, Mister Thousand Year Reich! I've got a lovely world for
you to rule if you show...

(Hitler hits the cage)

Hitler: There, it moved!

Germany: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Hitler: I never!!

Germany: Yes, you did!

Hitler: I never, never did anything...

Germany: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO REICHY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm

(Takes Reich out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws
it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Germany: Now that's what I call a dead Reich.

Hitler: No, no.....No, it's stunned!

Germany: STUNNED?!?

Hitler: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! Thousand Year
Reichs stun easily, major.

Germany: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of
this. That Reich is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not
nine years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due
to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Hitler: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for Nuremburg.

Germany: PININ' for NUREMBURG?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look,
why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Hitler: The Thousand Year Reich prefers keepin' on its back! Remarkable
Reich, id'nit, squire? Lovely uniforms!

Germany: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Reich when I got it
home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its
perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Hitler: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that
Reich down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Germany: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Reich wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Hitler: No no! It's pining!

Germany: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This Reich is no more! It has
ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff!
Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch
it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory!
It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal
coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!


Hitler: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind
the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop,
and uh, we're right out of Reichs.

Germany: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Hitler: I got a corporation.


Germany: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it rule the world?

Hitler: Nnnnot really.


Hitler: Look, if you go to my mate's pet shop in Italy, he'll replace
the Reich for you.

Germany: Italy, eh? Very well.

(The customer leaves.)

(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false

Germany: This is Italy, is it?

Hitler: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Moscow.

Germany: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

Subject: Re: Hitler's Pet Shop
From: Legume <legume@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Mar 21, 2000 1:25 AM
Message-ID: <38D715D7.14D6@subgenius.com>

A guy walks into a bar and sees Adolf Hitler sitting at the bar arguing
with the bartender.

He walks up and says to Hitler, "Holy shit. you're Hitler, aren't you?"

"Jah, I am."

Just then he notices a huge pile of maps, and diagrams and plans spread
out before Hitler. "Um... so, uh, Hitler whaddya up to?"

"Vell, I vill tell you. I shall take over Europe, kill six million Jews,
und shoot vun circus clown."

"Shoot one clown?! Why the hell do ya wanna shoot one circus clown?"

Hitler turns back to the bartender and says "Zee? No vun gives a shit
about ze Jews."

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