(with creative inspiration from Janor Hypercleets)
Warning: This story is EXTREMELY sick. Don't read it.
Little Billy strained to look out of the crack in the
rotted wood of the slowing train as it entered the camp.
Aunt Bertha stood next to him peering out the window slit he
was too small to reach.
"Let me see! Let me see!" yelled Timmy excitedly.
"Oh, okay you big baby" said Billy, and moved aside so
his brother could see. Peering out, he could see little
animatronic children with grotesque smiles on their faces
lining the tracks as the train rumbled by. Their little
index fingers sawed back and forth mechanically over their
little plastic throats.
"Wow! Cool!" said Timmy.
After a few minutes the train lurched to a violent stop
and almost sent the people in the boxcar sprawling. Billy
grabbed the hem of Aunt Bertha's shawl and steadied himself.
"Now boys," Aunt Bertha said reprovingly, "I want both
of you to be on your best behavior. Remember, JESUS is
watching you and will judge you accordingly and might throw
you into the pit of vipers and scorpions."
"Okay, Aunt Bertha!" they both chimed.
Billy and Timmy skipped down the ramp and into the cold
"Look, Billy! It's snowing!" said Timmy happily.
"That's not snow, stupid. Look! It's coming from
Billy looked past the seemingly endless rows of
barracks in the camp to the towering smokestacks that
dominated the scene. A deep rush and tremble of some
nearby, profound inferno enveloped everything as the smoke
poured out in gray torrents from their tops.
"Just like in the movie!" said Timmy.
"Stick your tongue out and get one on your tongue!"
said Billy and Timmy complied. After a second or two,
several ash flakes landed on his outstretched tongue causing
Timmy to giggle.
"Ha! It tastes like bubble-gum cotton candy! Can we
go to Oven-land first, Aunt Bertha?!" said Timmy.
"Now boys, let's go through in proper order. We have
to be selected first."
The trio made their way with the crowd past ornately
sculptured shrubbery, mostly of some variation of the
swastika or iron cross theme. Little loudspeakers barked
out harsh words in German but Billy and Timmy couldn't
understand what was being said. It sounded like the same
verbal routine repeated over and over after awhile.
Finally, it was their turn and Aunt Bertha stepped up
to a black-uniformed employee who took their tickets and
admitted them into the park. Billy and Timmy got stamped on
their arms with a blue ink series of numbers as they passed
through the gate.
"Look, Aunt Bertha! I got a tattoo! Four... uh, 5, 8,
7, 6... 6, 2, 3!" Said Timmy.
"Mine's 624!" Said Billy.
"Those are just temporary tattoos, boys. They'll come
off in a day or two. But for today, you'll be able to get
in the park again if you have to leave."
"Cool!" chimed Timmy.
Showerland was next and Timmy pulled Aunt Bertha's arm
to get her to move faster so they could get in with the next
group. They were able to make it in just before the heavy
metal doors slammed shut behind them.
"Are we going to take a shower with our clothes on?"
asked Timmy. Then the lights went out and plunged them into
utter blackness, goading a delighted yelp from the crowd.
"Aunt Bertha... I'm scAAAIyred!" whimpered Timmy, not
completely seriously. He was having fun. He knew it was
part of the show. Aunt Bertha held and patted his little
hand comfortingly and then the gas exploded from the
showerheads and everyone screamed.
But after a few seconds, something very strange
happened. The pitch of the screams rose all at once making
them all sound like little birds or monkeys. Billy covered
his ears for a second but then grabbed onto Aunt Bertha's
"Oh my goodness!" said Aunt Bertha, but her voice
sounded like Mickey Mouse! Timmy burst out laughing,
chattering like a chipmunk.
"Helium!" Timmy said in a little cartoon voice. "It's
Hearing Timmy's voice made Billy erupt into laughter
like a giddy Castrati, which made Timmy laugh even harder.
"You sound like Woody Woodpecker!" said Timmy.
"So do you!" said Billy and laughed some more.
After a minute or so, the exit door was opened and the
crowed poured out of the shower area and into the open air.
Billy and Timmy loved their new high voices but after a
minute or so the helium wore off and things were back to
Next was Workland and Aunt Bertha gave Billy and Timmy
some Deutschmarks so they could play such video games as
DIRT whereby they competed to fill a hole with dirt, and
then to empty it again, before the other could. The winner
was awarded with an electronic version of Deutschland Uber
Alles, while the loser's man got shot in the back of the
head with a luger.
After that, the boys had worked up an appetite, so Aunt
Bertha took them to the commisary next and they got some
lukewarm water which tasted slightly like raw potato and a
stale crust of bread full of little candy maggots. Aunt
Bertha had the gruel.
Aunt Bertha then took the boys to the gift shop.
"You can each have one toy, boys" she said.
Billy wanted to get the Hitler doll but it was way to
expensive, as was the Nazi Medical Experimental Examiner
Action Set(tm). Timmy decided on a Klaus Barbie Doll(tm)
which had Kung Fu Nazi Grip(tm) and which said things like
"Raus! Schveinhundt!" and "I Vass Only Following Orders!"
when you pulled the string. When you pressed the button at
the small of his back his arm would spring up in a salute
and he would say "Heil Hitler!" and you could make him do a
Billy got a Juden doll(tm), a skinny little stick doll
that wore a greasy rag for a costume. When you pressed the
button on the back it said things like "Can I eat this
month?" and "No, that's okay, I don't need a shower". He
also got a t-shirt that was made to look like it was made
out of human hair that said:
MY PARENTS WENT TO AUSCHWITZ
AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY
Aunt Bertha got some cosmetic soap and a nice lampshade
that had a tatoo and a belly button on it.
By the end of the day, Aunt Bertha and the boys finally
made their way toward Ovenland, the grand finale to the
park's many wonders. The line was long, but after about 40
minutes of waiting Billy and Timmy went through while Aunt
Bertha waited in the parents waiting area. A black and red
uniformed guard grabbed the boys by the scruff of their
necks and threw them in the ovens that looked red-hot at
first but it was clear after a few delightful seconds it was
only because of the red and orange bulbs inside. The metal
door closed behind the boys sealing them in the long cramped
space. The boys clung to each other in frightened glee as a
deep, cacatenating, utterly evil, spooky voice intoned
something in German at them and then erupted in fits of evil
cackling laughter. The inside of the oven suddenly tilted
and with shrieks, the boys slid downward as the back of the
oven lifted and sent them on a wheeling, twisting slide
ride. They zoomed through the shafts of the oven, laughing
and screaming, through colored strobe lights and eerie sound
effects. It seemed to go on forever! But after awhile,
when they least expected it, the slide ended at a sheer wall
and Billy and Timmy went tumbling end over end falling at
least 20 feet, and landing safely on a huge pile of latex
stick-corpses at the bottom of the ride.
"Yaaaaaay!" Cried Timmy. Billy grinned broadly and
jumped for joy. "Yaaaaaay!"
As the sun set on Auschwitzland, and Aunt Bertha and
the boys boarded the train out, she reflected that the day
hadn't been cheap, but, oh well, it was a once in a lifetime
kind of thing. Looking at Billy and Timmy's happy, smiling
faces, she knew it had been worth it.
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Original file name: Day at Auschwitzland
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