Chubblebutt the Chimp Learns Philosophy

From: (Andrew J. Testa)

Chubblebutt was born in the jungles of Africa, but he doesn't remember
those days. He remembers diapers and his bottle, and the comforting arms
of his pale mother. He remembers the toys and games that the people in the
long white coats let him play with. Most vividly he remembers the hours he
spent watching those ugly animals on the television.

"Those are chimpanzees" his mother would say, "just like you! Aren't
they pretty?" But they weren't pretty. They were naked and loud. They
didn't wear colorful clothes like Chubblebutt wore, and they obviously
didn't get their hair brushed. They were ugly. But the people in the long
white coats made him watch these animals on the TV for a long time.

"Those are your cousins" his mother kept telling him.
"NO NO NO" he would sign. "BAD DOG BAD DOG" was the only sign he had for
an unpleasant animal. He used it often while watching the videos. He was
always glad when he could go back to his house and the PlaySchool toys.
They were familiar and safe, not ugly and scary. Sometimes mom would hold
him and stroke his hair. But now she mostly watched him through the glass,

One day The white coat people brought Chubblebutt to a new playground.
This one was outside, with grass all around and trees and rocks. He was
scared and wouldn't let go of the people. He had never been outside for
real, only watched it from the windows. The air made his hair move all
over and it was very unpleasant. He started to cry for mom, first with
sign "NO NO BAD ME CRY," then with a plaintive screech as the people shut
the door and left him alone on the grass, shivering with fright at the
scary place. Soon the people came back and he clutched hard to their white
coats as they carried him back to his bed. He didn't sleep until late the
next morning.

Every day for a week the people made Chubblebutt go outside after
watching the animal videos. At first he tried to fight them and throw his
toys and food. But still they made him go. After two days he moved away
from the door and took a few tentative steps into the yard. The wind still
bothered him, but he found that he liked the sticks that lay in the grass.
He would play with them a little, but eventually he wandered back to the
door and waited for it to open so he could go back home and sleep.

One day he watched a lot more video than usual, then went to the yard
early. It was still cool, and the wind was gone, so Chubblebutt wandered
out into the yard to find a stick. He found a good one, and enjoyed
hitting the trees with it. He reached to pick up another stick when he saw
something move. He froze and stared at the tree branch that just rustled,
and saw an ANIMAL! One of those dirty, ugly animals was HERE, right there
with no GLASS to protect him and it was MOVING! Coming closer and making
real loud NOISE and it was SCARY and he screamed and RAN AWAY as the other
chimp, a small female, approached him curiously. She ran after him, then
stopped when his odd behavior began to scare her. She started to retreat
when Chubblebutt reached the locked door and, with nowhere else to run,
picked up his stick and attacked her, blindly whipping her head with the
stick and then pummelling her torso as hard as he could, not realizing that
in his fury he was making the same shrieks that so repulsed him from the
animals on the TV. He did not realize that the door had opened, nor did he
hear the slam of the bolt or feel the stab of the tranq dart as it
penetrated his back. He didn't see, as the drug took effect and paralyzed
him, the look of fright and confusion mirrored on the unwashed, uncombed
face of his victim.

They didn't remove his overalls and shirt before they put his body in the
plastic bag.

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