Untitled Autobiography (Maybe)

From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez, Pope of Berea)

Gilbert's brain was the prize possession of the strange little scientists
who lived in the tunnels beneath the Ferret Peoples' Crimson Citadel, and
who could blame them? The Brain had a ghastly pastel sheen to it that
caused vampires to drop their drawers and roll around in cat litter with
delight. So the snub-nosed pigs stared intently as the scientists took
turns cleaning the bell jar housing Gilbert's brain, singing the happy
Cleaning Song that the Brain itself taught them:

Spotless, spotless, let us strive
Work through mental jelly hives
Taste the bees and rock them socks
Only dust my little box!

Little did the scientists know that there was a railroad under
construction through the generator room, and it was all the nefarious
plan of a cartoon duck named Ike. Ike, once a brilliant genetic
experiment gone awry, was now twisted and bitter over the loss of a fax
machine that Lucky, the breakfast cereal leprechaun, won from him in a
card game. So Ike needed to harness the power of Gilbert's brain to
stage a coup and win the grammar bee at his school.

So one day the railroad was finally completed, Mayor McCheese drove in
the final spke, and the train zoomed into the scientists' lair. It was
only a mall hop from there to steal the Brain and take over the world,
which Ike did quite handily.

Unbeknownst to Ike, the scientists lived still, for the Brain didn't
reveal their secret hiding place, inside the carpal tunnel syndrome of a
giant. They planned night and day to recapture the Brain with a
collection of fishing lures made out of an old Buick. At last they
hatched their plan, only to discover that the Brain had sprouted wheels,
wings and gills, and thus could move through any medium except ball
bearings. Yes, the Brain was on the loose, looking for fun and adventure
in the seediest redneck bars it could find. "Hey, Stumpy", one grizzled
old coot or another would say, "Where's your mouth?" The Brain typically
responded with a complex calculus story problem, thus winning the good
will and sexual favors of the locals.

Ike quit putting conditioner into his aorta and listened intently.
"Without the brain and his aperture-wedge, I'm sunk!" he whined and
pressed the button on the nuclear boom box "reverse" switch.

As a nuclear reaction began to occur, the brain knew it was time to act.
Quickly, it prepared a bowl full of Duncan Hines cake mix and poured the
batter over the nuclear boom box, then put it in the oven. In one hour
and fifteen minutes it was done, thus averting nuclear catastrophe before
it could start.

When the people heard about this, they overthrew Ike and made the brain
and the scientists their new rulers, and out of love for their political
system, ate chalk every day for lunch. They felt it would teach them a
lesson. I sure hope it did, for I *was* one of those people.

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