About 85 trillion years ago, even before there was dinosaurs, there
was this totally fucked up civilization where everybody always had
shit all in their mouths and on their tongues and stuff and so they
smelled real real bad. So this guy who was real smart who was a
college professor that had invented this time machine went back there
to see if they were really as completely fucked up as everybody in
the college thought they were. But he didn't know that a guy who was
sort of completely fucking retarded and ignorant had stowed away in
the back of the time machine where there was this little thing that
was like a closet where the professor usually kept a couple bottles
of whiskey and the rubber suit he liked to wear when Mr. Vikki beat
him with whips and chains after s/him tied him up in the dungeon that
they had financed through his credit union. So when they got back to
the past where this civilization lived they got out of the time
machine and looked at each other in surprise. "What are you doing
here," said the professor? "I'm stowing away so I can see if they all
really have shit in their mouths too," said the retard. "OK, but
don't get in my way, for I have much work to do," said the Professor.
"OK, I won't," said the retard. Just then the time machine
malfunctioned and exploded and caused sort of a rift in the time
stream so they were in the past where the people had shit in their
mouths and in the future when everyone had evolved into these
horrible semblances of humanity and actually LOOKED like shit and
they were in these two times and the same time. Well some of the
future humans who were in the shape of shit had invested in a program
that allowed them to retire at an early age and so they were on
vacation and playing a game sort of like golf when the time stream
malfunctioned and sucked them back into the same time the professor
and the fucking retard were trying to find out about the people who
were always putting shit in their mouths and on their tongues. "Look,
it looks like these people are like we were a long time ago but it
looks like they're eating some of us but they can't be because we're
all here," said one of the shit-shaped golfers. Suddenly an army of
people from not too far in the future from where the professor and
the retard were from appeared on the scene in about a million time
machine/army tanks and started blowing the fuck out of everything.
The main guy in charge of the tanks was named Larry and he thought
everybody in the past was a homo which he hated. "Kill everybody and
especially the ones who have shit in their mouths and the ones who
look like shit and are holding golf clubs," yelled Larry. "Yes, sir,"
his men said back at him. So they unloaded their atomic bullets but
before anybody could get killed God showed up on the scene and turned
everybody into very large puddles of vomit and turned the tanks and
time machines into vomit too so they couldn't kill anybody but
everyone was turned into vomit so it didn't matter if they killed
them or not. As the professor sank into his vomit-self, he stopped to
realize that this wasn't a dream, but was reality!
The End
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Original file name: War of the Ages
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