ATTN! MESSAGE FROM JANOR!!

From: phin@west.darkside.com (Phineas)
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 95

A tireless, desperate, shameless plea for funding:

My friends, I can't run this ministry on love alone. I'm
merely a humble Subgenius preacher seeking to spread the
word of "Bob". But recent setbacks (not working for the
Conspiracy for two weeks while working on a live show here
in Little Rock) have led us to the brink of financial
disaster. How can I expect to compete with the Conspiracy
and their megaglorp marketing techniques and entertainment industry.
Children, we are in danger of losing the entire
ministry! Remember that the Church of the Subgenius(tm)
and Janor Hypercleets Inc.(tm) receive no funding from any
university, corporation, certainly not from the Conspiracy
government. *100%* of our funding comes from YOUR purchas
es of our tapes, videos, and tickets to our humble devival.
All of our money comes form other people who don't have any
either. Only YOU can make the difference! We cannot spell
CHURCH without 'U'! The choice is yours. If you want to
see pinkness and normalcy spreading itself relentlessly,
leading to a complete PINK takeover, laws passed against
what few "rights" we have left, full employment, and
eventually YOUR extermination, then whatever you do DON'T
buy my tapes and products. If however, you'd like to see
the battle against pinkness spread itself, if you'd like to
see more head-launchings, more BEACH! parties, more anti-
pink hatred, and above all, more SLACK(tm), then dig as
deeply as you can. Don't think about me! Think about the
starving children in India! The starving children in
Africa! The starving children in Ethiopia! $10 will send
one Janor Hypercleets tape, $20 will send 3 Janor
Hypercleets tapes, $40 will send 9 Janor Hypercleets tapes
(etc. etc.) to these poor unfortunates! Give them something
to take their minds off their worries! We're asking you to
make out a check for the highest, the very HIGHEST, amount
you POSSIBLY *POSSIBLY* **P O S S I B L Y** make it out for!
And then double that amount! You don't EAT your seed! You
plant it!

In the name of "BOB".... AMEN!

-=-Janor Hypercleats

*******

Hi Folks, this is Phineas here. Since Janor doesn't
have internet access, or a computer for that matter, I
transcribed the above over the phone from him. He really is
in desperate straits. He has $7 to his name and the rent is
due. He had to hock his TV and VCR just to be able to eat
and is contemplating hocking the Bleeding Head of Arnold
Palmer(tm) as well! However this latter item isn't worth
very much at the local Pink pawnshops in the Little Rock
area. Weekends he can be found downtown clutching a tin cup
and wearing a sign saying WILL RANT FOR FOOD. Please don't
let economic forces of the Conspiracy crush this brilliant,
twisted, tiny mind! Email me for Janor's catalog of goods
and services and FOLLOW THROUGH! order some of these tapes!
They're REALLY funny! REALLY! Yeah, I wouldn't shit ya!
Please give generously! After all, a Janor's a terrible
thing to waste.

-=-Phineas

phin@west.darkside.com

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ATTN! MESSAGE FROM JANOR!!
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)

phin@west.darkside.com (Phineas) wrote for Janor:

> A tireless, desperate, shameless plea for funding:

And it's all true, and the address is:
Janor Hypercleats
c/o
8701 Evergreen
Little Rick, AR 72207

> My friends, I can't run this ministry on love alone. I'm
> merely a humble Subgenius preacher seeking to spread the
> word of "Bob". But recent setbacks (not working for the
> Conspiracy for two weeks while working on a live show here
> in Little Rock) have led us to the brink of financial
> disaster. How can I expect to compete with the Conspiracy
> and their megaglorp marketing techniques and entertainment industry.
> Children, we are in danger of losing the entire
> ministry!

A couple of people have emailed me to ask if this is for real, and if
Janor really is in such bad shape, or if it's just another stupid holy
SubGenius money-grubbing devotional. I'm afraid that yes, Janor is a guy
who lives TEETERING ON THE VERY EDGE financially, and to pull off a show
where a demo-tape could be shot, he had to miss two weeks of work. Ever
hear the phrase, "most people are two paychecks from being homeless"? In
Janor's case it's JUST THAT WAY. But HE CAN STILL DUB AUDIO TAPES, and
friends, I swear on Jane Dobbs' vagina, from whence sprang "Bob" already
needing a shave, that I am not "SHUCKING" anybody when I say that THE
JANOR DEVICE PART ONE is one of the classic SubGenius tapes of all time. I
editted that one myself from Janor's first 5 or 6 years of ranting, and
it's something that belongs in every SubGenius tape collection, right next
to Media Barrage #10. The subsequent tapes in the series are even more
esoteric. Last I heard Janor was only asking $6 a tape! Well, do him one
better -- send a tenner that way and say JANOR! Stang said your ass needs
kissing now like it has never needed it before! Here's $4 worth of my lips
against your horrible Janor butt, and $6 more for JANOR DEVICE #1!" Like
it says in the ads friends, "You'll talk like Janor for a week!" It's
true, you will, and your comedic mind will be FREED FOREVER by hearing the
very most distilled series of BOLD SURREALISM EXPLORATIONS in history.
Edgar Allan Poe, Will Rogers, Einstein, and the original pin-head that
Zippy is based on were all reincarnated AT ONCE in JANOR HYPERCLEETS!

YOU WILL LITERALLY LAUGH UNTIL YOUR GUTS BLEED!!

That address once again is
Janor Hypercleats
c/o
8701 Evergreen
Little Rick, AR 72207
(this is not where Janor lives; it's just his only stable mail-drop)

make checks to "Hathorn"

FORGET THE RAM! INVEST IT INSTEAD IN NEW "MEMORY" FOR THE JANOR DEVICE!!

JANOR SPOUTED FOR >YOU<!!!

--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: ATTN! MESSAGE FROM JANOR!!
From: anarch@cse.ucsc.edu (Anarch)

phin@west.darkside.com (Phineas) wrote for Janor:
>$10 will send
>one Janor Hypercleets tape, $20 will send 3 Janor
>Hypercleets tapes, $40 will send 9 Janor Hypercleets tapes
>(etc. etc.) to these poor unfortunates!

Anyone want to go in with me on a 59049 tapes for $10240 deal? Only 17
cents apiece!

anarch@cse.ucsc.edu +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ I could be wrong
D I S C L A I M E R : E V E R Y T H I N G I W R I T E I S F A L S E

----------------------------------------------------------------------

!HERE IT IS!-The NEW Janor Hypercleets Catalog!

From: phin@west.darkside.com (Phineas)
Date: Tue, 16 May 95

It's Here !
In Spite of Popular Demand!
The Janor Hypercleets Catalogue!
Can your mind stand it!?

*EVERYTHING MUST GO!*
*INCLUDING YOUR MIND!*
*PRICES SLASHED!*

AUDIO CASSETTES:

-THE JANOR DEVICE (PART I) "Worst of" Janor Hypercleets
1980-1984. The tape that STARTED IT ALL! Birth of a legend!
Actual, SUPERNATURAL trance channeling experiences recorded live
on tape! "Nine-inch Worms", "Cutting Your Dick Off to Prove
You're a Man", "The Thing With No Face," and more demented
concepts than you can handle!

"Some ranting so fast you can't follow it!"
-Ogyr Network.
"The funniest tape in the galaxy, probably over your head!"

-High Weirdness by Mail

THE JANOR DEVICE (PART II) - "I'm Too Busy Hating!" Scathing
anti-normalcy hate rants, Dr.'s 4 "Bob" in Outer Space, Cakin'
Smokin' Tokin', "Jokes You're too Stupid to Understand," and
more, more, more! As seen in Factsheet Five!

JANOR DEVICE PART III-Hurt 'im REAL *REAL* BAD! - When I heard
Boy George Singing "Do you really want to hurt me?", I just said,
"yeah, I'd like to hurt 'im real REAL bad!" And this tape
features 20 minutes of ideas of how to hurt 'im real REAL bad!
Also-Subgenius BEACH party!, a prank phone call to a 700 Club
prayer counselor, Dr.'s 4 "Bob", The Corruption Behind the
Corruption and lots more laffs on this hilarious FUN-tastic tape!

DR.'S 4 "BOB"-A LEWD SPECTACLE OF WANTON DEPRAVITY - Greates hits
of the most celebrated Subgenius band! "Told the Judge to Suck
My Dick," "Cut My Toe Off with a Lawnmower Blues," "you Can't
Hide From God," etc. Cover depicts Dr.'s 4 "Bob" being tomatoed
off the stage at their final concert in Little Rock, Arkansas in
1985! Dr.'s 4 "Bob" lets you KEEP your mind!

"ON AND ON ABOUT IT" - Janor H. and R.C. Guy live on Little Rock
radio station KABF. Torturous audience elimination experiment
admist a virtual avalanche of plaintive callers - to no avail!
This is one of most PAINFUL, mind-crushing tapes of all time!
For hardcore fans ONLY! No refunds for the unhip.

"WHERE VERMONT TOUCHES ENGLAND"-Jackie Hollingsworth. JANOR
Hypercleets interviews Jackie Hollingsworth, a demented elderly
woman, on the prospect of mowing her yard. Hollingsworth babbles
on for ninety minutes of classic Kook rants, sometimes hinting at
the existence of separate realities such as when she speaks of a
place "Where Vermont touches England" without ever quite reaching
a conclusion as to whether or not she wants her yard mowed.
Crazed Kook rants from Hell.

THE SOUTHLAND CORPORATION - "FORCED VELMA" - Greatest Hits of the
Southland Corporation" - A band that worships convenience stores.
Learn the truth about the convenience rock movement. Songs
produced in a real studio include: "Today Is A 7-11", "The King
of Women", "Headband's Bad Acid Party", and Roger Miller's
"Hitchiker". Conveniently priced, one size fits all.

JANOR HYPERCLEETS-"NO INTERVIEWS" Recorded live at Baltimore
Subgenius Convention, 1983. Janor H. explains to interviewer why
he can't rant, be interviewed or give any information out
whatsoever - For 90 minutes. Non-stop ranting.

THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE ENTERTAINMENT PROBLEM-JANOR HYPERCLEETS
LIVE IN BOSTON, 1993. Theory of Subgenius Master Race Explained,
What to do when a woman says "I like you as a friend" when you're
experiencing your 500th simultaneous orgasm, First Church of
cute, Young Girls Who Are Slaves To Janor Hypercleet's Cock
explained, TALES OF "BOBBY FREE", the ultimate dumb, mean
redneck. Worthless, but you can't live without it.

All audio cassettes available for a "Love offering" of
$7.50.

VIDEO CASSETTES

"STREAM OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS" - Janor live in San Francisco, 1989.
Master of ceremonies: Dr. Howl and special anti-musical guest
"The Band that Dare Not Speak It's Name". Anti-Normalcy Infinite
Hate Rant, You Can't See Your Own Eyes, Told the Judge to Suck My
Dick and Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer Launcher's Society.
Plenty of the best rants and routines all featured in this
classic performance. Order this tape OR KILL ME!

"JANOR CRACKHOUSE" - Janor live in San Francisco, 1991. Co-
starring Papa Joe Mama, Rev. Howl, Puzzling Evidence and Pamela
Pain. Humorous intro with Janor brought out in a wheelchair and
wearing a straightjacket and hockey mask, ala "Silence of the
Lambs". You won't want to miss the Church of "Don" Anti-
Subgenius hate sermon or Papa Joe Mama's "Z-Ists from the planet
Zion" speech. Also featured is Pamela Pain whipping Janor
Hypercleets live on stage. Joe Mama's closing statement:
"There's a lot of hate out there, we want to go out and spread
it". Extremely sick performance.

"THE MOUTH" - Janor Hypercleets live in Savannah, George, 1992.
Co-starring Keith Coselle, Papa Joe Mama, and Barney Hitler,
plageuristic ventriloquist, the usual insanity plus: Janor
Hypercleets attempts suicide live on stage, Papa Joe Mama
announces his Presidential candidacy, and abortion is performed
live on stage, and J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is assassinated by "Don".
Buy or Die!

"BOBBY" - A rock opera by the Southland Corporation. The saga of
the ultimate dumb, mean redneck. Songs feature "Cut His Butt
Off", "Can Cherry Come In?", and "They Liked His Ass".

"Taken as a whole lacks ALL artistic merit!"
-Little Rock
police
"If Bobby ever found about this SHIT, he'd KILL OUR ASS!"
-The
Southland Corporation

THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE ENTERTAINMENT PROBLEM - Janor LIVE in
New York, 1993 co-starring Jennifer Blowdryer. Janor explains a
national socialist Subgenius philosophy that presents the
Subgenius as the master race and advocates the extermination of
all normals. Also included: Janor Hypercleets psychologist
sketch. It's the Big Shocker!!

All videos available for a $15 Love Offering

Still available:

The Church of Don (pamphlet #7). Scathing, hateful parody of the
Church of the Subgenius. Crush your friends who think they're
hip because they worship "Bob". Are you Abnormal? Big Deal!
You're probably a talentless, whimpering art fag! The normals
are right! You are Subhuman! "Bob" is a picture and still
threatens no one! Loathsome. $1

First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Slaves to Janor
Hypercleet's Cock - Free to "qualified aplicants". Include a
letter of inquiry and recent photograph-preferably of yourself.
Applicants may have to wait 6 to 8 weeks on this one as we've
been flooded with requests for memberships. Please TRY to be
patient.

"How to Avoid Financial Exploitation" -This exciting topic is
thoroughly covered in this informative 3 page booket. -
$10,000.

Janor Hypercleets barf bags - Barf bags available for those who
are sick of hearing about Janor Hypercleet's products. 25 cents
each.

Brand New!

HATE CRYSTALS

Brooding, sneering, smouldering, hideously loathsome

HATE CRYSTALS

New Agers are always talking about how a crystal can be used to
amplify love and healing energy, but did it ever occur to anyone
that a crystal could also be used to amplify hatred as well? Why
visualize World Peace when it's 1,000 times more satisfying to
visualize a stark, righteous VENGEANCE? How satisfying when your
boss who always pushes you around dies in a horribly painful
automobile accident or when that girl who wouldn't go out with
you is paralyzed for the rest of her life! What a wonderful,
growthful hobby! And remember, only someone who does NOT hate
himself can truly hate everyone else! Fight back with HATE
crystals! Hate crystals are available in 2 different sizes $5 and
$10, depending on the size of your hate. If you're as inundated
with PINKS as I am, you'll probably want the $10 size. Special
requests for larger sizes will be honored. I UNDERSTAND, man.

Please make your check or money order out to:

David Hathorn (They're easier to cash that way)

Our mailing address:

c/o Janor Hypercleets Ministries
1209 W. 2nd St.
LIttle Rock, Ark. 72201

This in no way obligates you to pay me $500 a month for the next
two years. No salesman will call.

Why Get Ripped Off Somewhere Else When You Can Come Here?!?

Amen

-Janor

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I listened to the JANOR DEVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (the Grand Clavister )
Date: 17 Jun 1995

I sent away for the Janor Device. I got it. I listened to it front - to
- back.

Now I am hurting. My tongue is falling out and my rectum puckers OUTWARD
instead of inward. I am eating quiche RIGHT NOW! JANOR MUST BE STOPPED!

I can not right any more because my gramar is failing me and my spelling
and syntax to. Send Janor money so he sill stop and we can asll go bakv
tyog our lives...................................

the Granbd Cavuster

Cgelkp! EM!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I listened to the JANOR DEVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: christuck@aol.com (ChrisTuck)

You think YOU have problems???

Fuck You!

I have SEEN and HEARD JANOR LIVE AND IN PERSON!!

Do you have ANY IDEA what that DOES to a person?

Daily, nay, hourly, I PRAY TO JHVH-1 and any other "god" that may be
listening to STIKE ME DOWN DEAD WITH EBOLA VIRUS, so that I may die in
peace, to be resurrected come X-Day.

This is an unsolicited endorsement!

Buy the Damned Tape, so that we may not suffer alone!

***********************************************************
* Slack is The Candle *
* "Bob" is The Flame *
* And WE are The MOTHS! *
***********************************************************
* Chris Tucker 27 Terrill Street * Karl Marx Is A Dead *
* Rutland VT 05701-4157 USA * White Heterosexual *
* 802.775.6277 ChrisTuck@AOL.COM * Northern European Male *
***********************************************************

Back to document index

Original file name: Janor

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.