-= SHORT DURATION PERSONAL SAVIORS - A LESSON =-
BEGINNER LEVEL - CLEARED FOR ALL BOBBIES - BEGINNER LEVEL - CLEARED FOR
Shockingly, some Bobbies are still unclear as to what a Short Duration Personal Savior is. The concept of the Short Duration Personal Savior (or ShorDurPerSav, the proper Tibetian term) is a new one-- traditional religions tend to emphasize "unwavering servitude" over convenience. But is absolute devotion to one savior always best? Buddha is a wonderful role model for certain aspects of life, but when that po'bucker shoves you out of the way as he walks by, don't you wish that you worshipped George Foreman instead, if only for the next few minutes?
Well, you can! The Church of the SubGenius heartily endorses the concept of disposable saviors, or ShorDurPerSavs. Choose your messiah to fit the situation. If peace and compassion are what you need right now, follow the teachings of Gandhi. Later, when you need to cut a business deal, emulate the wisdom of Sam Walton. When you need a witty remark on the spot, let Samuel Clemens into your heart to inspire you. And when you need Slack in your life, sell your soul to "Bob".
"Bob" is the most frequently invoked of our infinitely varied Short Duration Personal Saviors, with good reason. He has Slack--he IS Slack. He symbolizes the "easy life", where one follows the Path of Least Resistance and gains Slack effortlessly. But no one is expected to worship "Bob" 24/7! If you're trying to get that PC to work, choosing "Bob" as your ShorDurPerSav will hinder you far more than helping you! "Bob" couldn't use a PC if he wanted to (though he sold more of them last year than IBM and Packard Bell put together)! Read through Stephen Levy's _Hackers_ and let the TMRC be your ShorDurPerSavs! There ARE no limits!
INTERMEDIATE LEVEL - CLEARED FOR ALL SUBGENII - INTERMEDIATE LEVEL -
Choosing your ShorDurPerSavs shouldn't be a difficult task. Whoever or whatever is most appropriate to the situation, whoever or whatever happened to last impress the hell out of you, whoever or whatever represents what you want to emulate! "Damn, I wish I could be like Nenslo." Well make Nenslo your ShorDurPerSav! Live up to his standards! Be like Nenslo! Follow Nenslo...at least, until you feel like following someone else! Convenience is the key. Quite often, we choose our ShorDurPerSavs on the basis of "What happens to be around?" That elephant at the zoo impressed the hell out of you the other day by sneezing a small child into unconsciousness? Then that elephant deserves to be your ShorDurPerSav the next time you're getting assertive toward some Pink. There are plenty of ShorDurPerSavs out there:
"Bob". Okay, this one should be self-explanatory. You know him, you love him, you're a little bit afraid of him. This guy is the center of the Luck Plane, the Man with a Plan, owner of all Slack. "Bob" is neato. Be like "Bob". Get stupid, get lucky, get rich. Or something. You don't want to get too close to him, but worshipping him from afar is usually a good idea. If you go totally blank while trying to pick a ShorDurPerSav, come back to "Bob". It's usually a safe bet.
Stang. Dudes, he got hit by a car for "Bob"! He gave up his life for "Bob" and the Church. He does all of "Bob"'s dirty work, and has to go through life putting up with dumb people calling him D*** [censored in case Stang reads this]. This man has sacrificed most of his convenience for "Bob", and deserves to be your ShorDurPerSav whenever you're letting someone sucker you into helping them. In this case, you want to remember your ShorDurPerSav's big mistake...that one day when he said, "Sure...I guess I could run the Church for a little while..."
Philo. The epitome of what we desire. He might not be the prettiest thing to look at, but he has more Slack than anyone on the planet except "Bob". When you're bumming out about being stuck in a cubicle in some job, think forward to '98 and the Rupture...when your old body will be left behind (pieces of it, at least) and you'll be "reborn" as an OverMan. When you're doing this, Philo makes a handy ShorDurPerSav, and he's much easier to relate to than "Bob".
Nenslo. When you feel like being argumentative and playing Devil's Advocate, there is no better ShorDurPerSav than this guy. He's a little too intelligent to be a SubGenius, but we love him anyways. After all, he's always right. Period. When you need that kind of self-assurance, open your heart to Nenslo (and while you're at it, send him a dollar).
Janor. If you've bought the tapes, you know what I mean. If you haven't bought the tapes, you NEED TO BUY THE TAPES. Nuff said.
All the other wacky Apostles and SubGenii out there. If I tried to list everyone, I'd be here until X-Day. Dr. Howwl, Palmer Vreedeez, Sternodox, Onan, GGG, Joe Mama, ad infinitum, all make damn fine ShorDurPerSavs for one reason or another...most often because of one thing they said, maybe a sentence or two, that stuck in your mind and helped you get past some situation. That's what they're there for.
"What? You mean actually pick some Pink or Bobbie as a savior?" Don't be so full of yourself! There are plenty of cool things out there. Just look at Barney.
Bo Jackson. Banished from his home planet of Krypton, Bo came to this planet and found that he had powers far beyond those of mortal men. Keeping his powers to an absolute minimum, he excelled in dozens of sports before exposure to a kryptonite kneepad took him down. Worship Bo when you wish that you could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Bo knows Slack.
They Might Be Giants. Or any other band. Does their music excite you? Stir feelings? Motivate you? Sounds like religious ecstasy to me-- make 'em your saviors when the CD is a-playin', and when that one song is stuck in your head. "Particle Man, Particle Man, doin' the things a particle can..."
Beavis and Butthead. Because it's fun to go "Huh-huh, huh-huh..."
Piers Anthony. Or any other writer, when you're trying to come up with that crucial chapter, a thesis for your term paper, or just a nice way to phrase what you're thinking while online. We're all writers in a way, so pick your favorite one and embrace her with your heart and soul.
But this is only a subsection of your possible ShorDurPerSavs...the true Yetinsyn asks not, "Who is out there?" but "WHAT is out there?"
'Frop. The only thing that can drop you into the wading pool section of your own soul while the lifeguard's body drips blood from the diving board into the water, creating a fractal pattern dictated by an equation which has been built into your DNA code since life began. Watch the pattern and learn next week's winning Lotto numbers.
Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner. See above.
Okay, so some of you actually eat FOOD, too. Hell, why not make that your Short Duration Personal Savior? "Bob" tells you, "Don't just eat a hamburger...eat the HELL out of it!" and Jesus tells you, "Eat this in memory of me." Who are you to argue with experts like these? Don't eat a Whopper(TM). Eat your savior! Worship that Whopper(TM). Make its essence a part of you. Let yourself become the Whopper(TM). Then eat the HELL out of it. Make that Whopper(TM) your universe before you devour it, and it'll almost make up for eating at Burger King.
Anything handy. Sometimes you need something that's THERE. I've made a purple balloon my ShorDurPerSav in a time of crisis because it was something I could hug and squeeze. I made that balloon my savior and let it share in my problems and experiences. It comforted me by being there. I poured as much of my troubled heart into that balloon as I could... then I popped it. Know what? I felt better.
The above also applies to any mate you may currently have. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." If you don't want to make the standard commitment implied in "I love you", then make the commitment of "You're my ShorDurPerSav". In other words, I love you, with all my heart, for the moment...this may change, but it means something while it lasts. If this seems like an imperfect arrangement, then learn to accept the fact that this is an imperfect world, and that Slack can fill in for love, when called upon to do so.
ADVANCED INTERMEDIATE LEVEL - CLEARED FOR ALL REVERENDS - ADVANCED
There is one advanced topic that we have yet to touch on, and it is one that's often overlooked. Yourself as your Short Duration Personal Savior.
"Is that possible? I thought the whole point of a ShorDurPerSav was to draw strength/inspiration/etc. from someone else!" True, but that concept can easily be applied to yourself. You are Yetinsyn! You are the true descendent of the Atlanteans! You have an ego whose powers are only barely imaginable by the Pink Boys out there! It IS big enough to support itself as an exterior source of strength/inspiration/etc. All you have to do is recognize it.
Think about it this way. You have been other peoples' ShorDurPerSav. Even if no one's ever come up to you and SAID so, you have. How do I know? Because I know you. I know you because you're a SubGenius, and Pinks react to SubGenii in predetermined ways. First shock, whenever they realize that you're different in such a fundamental way. Second, fear, often indicated by laughter (laughter is, of course, the most common defense mechanism against fear). Third, and this is always when your back is turned, and often when you've left their presence entirely and they're driving home, is envy. They think about you, and part of them, deep down inside, wishes DESPERATELY that they could be you, because you have Slack. They don't know what Slack is (they can't know, even if you explain it to them), but they know that you are actually ENJOYING your life to some degree, and they find that incomprehensible. A Pink can enjoy a situation, or a vacation, but not LIFE itself. Life is hell, life sucks, life is horrible...so why does that one guy seem to LIKE being alive? He's weird. He's different. I hate him. I...wish it was me.
So, whether you know it or not, you, dear Yeti, HAVE been someone's Short Duration Personal Savior. If you're isolated, your followers may just be the occasional Pink and Bobbie. If you're luckier, you may have other SubGenii who look up to you. But no matter what, you ARE worthy of the honor. If you're good enough for all those other people, aren't you good enough for yourself? PRAISE "BOB", YES YOU ARE!
You want to invoke YOURSELF as a ShorDurPerSav when you HAVE the confidence and motivation, and want to multiply it a thousandfold. When you're walking down the street and others are looking at you because you've got that Dobbshead on your shirt or you decided to wear tin foil today or you're a growing-on-middle-age adult male who's going to work in a three-piece suit and a duffel bag instead of a suitcase--when you KNOW that you're different and you KNOW that you're better than then, and you KNOW that you could crush their little egos with a THOUGHT from your mind, THAT is when you are your OWN ShorDurPerSav and THAT is when you start to become REALLY scary. Because THAT is when >NO< Pink can stand in your way without suffering the wrath of your Yeti ancestors. Those Yeti are looking up at you from Asgard and cheering you on and you KNOW it! You HEAR them chanting your name and a crowd PARTS as you walk into it! Your Pstench almost becomes visible as your Ife swells and grows to mammoth proportions, towering over you, a mile tall! You walk into work and you tell your boss to tell his supervisor to tell the president that YOU want this thing done and you want it done NOW and bobdamnit, he DOES IT! SubGenii who perfect this trait and learn how to invoke it in on itself recursively and infinitely become the OverMen of today! The ones who bounce bullets! Who levitate to work! Who cause others to burst into flame at their whim! TRUE POWER! And that leads us to the final lesson...
FINAL LEVEL - CLEARED FOR HIGH PRIESTS ONLY - FINAL LEVEL - CLEARED FOR
["SHORT DURATION PERSONAL SAVIORS - A LESSON; FINAL LEVEL" lesson deleted for matters of national security.]
Reverend Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
From: email@example.com (the Grand Clavister )
In <1995May28.firstname.lastname@example.org> email@example.com (Matthew Carey)
>>starts dissing DEVO or Oingo Boingo!!!!
>I'm not a big DEVO fan, but I do in fact find Oingo Boingo to be
>E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y irritating. And not in a good way, as in, say for
>instance, that was their objective. It's more like they're trying to
>entertaining and they forgot that they were stupid.
>Danny Elfman should stick to doing his warmed over soundtracks for
>overbudgeted Conspiracy loving propaganda films.
And to think, I sent you $2! Fuck you ostjvt! I like Boingo A LOT! Hell,
I met them, and they were pretty fine fellows! Get their latest album.
It's good. :(
Tell us who YOU like, so we can insult THEM, too!
the Grand Clavister
(who also thinks quite a few Billy Joel songs are good stuff, too!)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Matthew Carey)
Please define "ostjvt."
I kind of quit listening to music. It's too linear.
Actually, the music I listen to is very easily insulted. I don't listen
to it because it's great, I listen to it because I dig it. Unfortunately
everybody I know seems to have completely opposite tastes to mine.
So, I'm not really railing against all your specific favorit musicians
who I'm sure have granted you many hours of enjoyment. I'm attacking the
phenomenon that allows me to walk into just about any store anywhere and
invariably hear GADBLAMN BILLY JOEL or any other given half hearted
swindler of the people but never anything I LIKE. IT'S TASTE
DISCRIMINATION. It's a violation of my rights. I won't tolerate it.
I have a little secret rule that I live by. If I'm in any public place
and the piped in musak system begins to treat us all to a little Billy
Joel -- I must leave at once. No exceptions. I don't care if I'm having
I, of course, have to leave a lot of places.
Once when I was working at a shopping mall in Thousand Oaks, I was
outside having a smoke break and I heard a familiar tune on the musak.
On listening closely I discovered to my amusement that it was an
instrumental interpretation of "China Girl." Iggy Pop wrote that didn't
I just want one out of five songs played in public areas to be antisocial
death worship tunes that fill the populace unconsciously with dread and a
loathing of their own normalcy.
Either that or let me smoke after my meal.
Rev. Matthew A. Carey Send me cash and material goods.
18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 Thank you.
Tarzana, CA 91356 mnbvc
From: email@example.com (TarlaStar)
firstname.lastname@example.org (Matthew Carey) wrote:
>In a previous article, email@example.com (Joe Newman) says:
>>Does anyone want to trade Foreigner bootlegs?
>What do you have to trade for the Kenny Rogers 12 inch extended remix of
>"Lucile"? I also have some outtakes of Neil Diamond's "Jonathan
>Livingston Seagull" sessions on DAT, but those don't go cheap.
I can beat that...I have Kenny Rogers and the 1st Edition's concept
album "The Ballad of Calico" AND Rod McKuen's "Listen to the Warm"
but I wouldn't trade anything for them. One day...they'll be worth
their weight in Kruggerands.
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Elayne Wechsler-Chaput)
EFiasco (email@example.com) wrote:
: I think you folks have gotten a little off the track. So what if somebody
: thinks that Billy Jo-El is his ShorDurPerSav?
He's from Krypton too? Cool.
"I am de Head of de Fireheads. I am de Head Firehead. I am de #~~
Firehead Head..." (E-Mail me for more information about the )#(
official Firesign Theatre newsletter, Four-Alarm FIRESIGNal!) ( # )
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Lou Duchez)
Another Daxamite, I bet. Superboy thought he was a cousin, and they
met while a Jimi Hendrix song was on the radio, and so Kal-El decided to
call him "Jo-El".
(You get a big wet one if you understand the reference.)
From: email@example.com (StimpyNRen)
Mathew Carey excremeditated:
> >Look, do I put down YOUR ShorDurPerSavs?
> The better question is "COULD you?".
I wouldn't waste my time. Putting down someone else's SDPSs is against the
beliefs of my schismatic clench. You may think it's Bobly, and more power
to you, but unless it's all in fun, I don't waste my time telling other
people who they shouldn't worship. Suggest who they may want to choose to
worship, maybe. But if they disagree, that's fine too. The SubGenius
Church is made up of INDIVIDUALS, so to assume everyone has to agree with
your beliefs and choices is very self-centered and closed-minded.
> >starts dissing DEVO or Oingo Boingo!!!!
> I'm not a big DEVO fan, but I do in fact find Oingo Boingo to be
> E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y irritating. And not in a good way, as in, say for
> instance, that was their objective. It's more like they're trying to be
> entertaining and they forgot that they were stupid.
> Danny Elfman should stick to doing his warmed over soundtracks for
> overbudgeted Conspiracy loving propaganda films.
> You're probably an Elton John fan too.
I am. And you just confirmed my point. What goal to you achieve by dissing
my SDPSs? Absofuckalutely nuthin. Maybe personal pleasure that you've
blown off some steam that would be more productively blown somewhere else,
like at the Conspiracy, but that's about it. I'm still going to continue
to enjoy and worship Boingo, Devo, Joel and Elton all I bloody well want,
and your petty, pathetic excuse for insulting my pantheon of gods will
never change that. If anything, it makes you look small.
You look just like the fundamentalist conservatives that HAVE to believe
if you don't believe in their god, you're gonna burn in THEIR hell. See,
it is the denial of other people's belief systems that gives them
rationality and validity to their own. That kind of belief is founded on
misdirected faith and is built on a sandy shore. It will crumble and fall
to dust. Only when you can tolerate other people's belief systems without
jeopardizing your own, can you truly find slack.
Of course, that's just my belief, and a part of my SubGenius Schismatic
Clench. You don't have to believe that way if you don't want. It works for
me, and I'm sticking to it. Whatever works for you is fine with you. If
your belief demands that I believe in what you believe, then you're just
being a sheep in a wolf's clothing. Give up being a SubGenius and go back
to the pansy fundamentalists. You'll fit in nicely there.
---==*This message brought to you by*==---
THE REBORN DOKTOR Zachary Carleton
One and Only New and Improved Official Clone for "Bob"
and little known fourteenth apostle.
The First United PatrioPsychoticAnarchoMaterialistic
Juxtapositioned Church of Latter-Day SubGenii and
Prepatory Academy for South Dallas (and other places)
otherwise known as The Church With The Long Name for short.
Exploring the Forbidden Sciences since 1985!
Short Attention Span Research Laboratories (ShAtSpReLa)
Don't Ask Me Studios, located in a dimension not very far
from your mind
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (David Lynch)
Joe Newman (email@example.com) wrote:
: I think Elton John rules. "Island Girl" was more badass than anything
: G.G. Allin ever did, and his Diet Coke commercials always ran my gonads
: through a food processor.
You know what really burns my ass? The Lion King soundtrack. For about 6
months, there was no avoiding it. So until Elton John issues an apology,
he can rot in hell. Where could I get a copy of the G.G. Allin Diet Coke
commercials? And what does the G.G. stand for?
: Elton John is even better than Meatloaf.
This goes without saying. Meatloaf is the only person I hate 24 hours a
day. Meatloaf is a fucking plauge on the music industry, and I'm tired of
him waving his stinky ass in front of everyone's faces. Meatloaf can kiss
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Pastor Craig)
In a previous article Gunther says that he wants to see if anyone has
(wants?) Forienger Bootlegs to trade.
Pastor Craig sez:
You know, my kid brother WALDO has some really weird tapes from the Rude
Swartz Projects. I haven't listened to them, but I'd bet that their
some ghetto nonsense (you know, projects). Waldo is always trying to
change the channel on me to watch corn dog theater while the Dallas
Cowboys are driving for the touchdown score. It would serve his
pew-packing behind right if I traded his stuff for some real music.
From: email@example.com (Pastor Craig)
The last Boingo (FKA Oingo Boingo) release was actually great and
garnered much coverage on the Hour of Slack. Stang however refered to
their previous two relases as half-butted.
btw: even if Billy Joel sent in his 30$ bucks and wrote a song called
"Bob" Dobbs, it's not likely it would be played on the Hour of Slack.
(I could tell you some of my favorite bands but you probably haven't
heard of them)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Joe Newman)
In article <email@example.com>, firstname.lastname@example.org says...
>You know, my kid brother WALDO has some really weird tapes from the Rude
>Swartz Projects. I haven't listened to them, but I'd bet that their
>some ghetto nonsense (you know, projects). Waldo is always trying to
>change the channel on me to watch corn dog theater while the Dallas
>Cowboys are driving for the touchdown score. It would serve his
>pew-packing behind right if I traded his stuff for some real music.
I would if I were you. Waldo is a miserable little prick. He can't
piss his own dick. He can't run from his own legs.
That said, Corn Dog Theater has run some worthwhile films this year.
I'm reminded of their recent Ernest Borgnine triple bill; I've still
got a hard-on from that scene in "The Adventurers" where you can see
the crack of his ass.
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