MARIJUANA LINKED TO SITTING AROUND AND GETTING HIGH
The National Institute of Health released the results of a
new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around
getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use
among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between
and getting baked off your ass.
"We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute
spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding
on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such
"There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some
chips, usually Ruffles."
Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between
and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album
rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he
"Especially side two. Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb..."
Marijuana, or "pot," as it is called on the street, is a harmless
that helps you relax and feel mellow. Its only known side-effects are
occasional uncontrollable laughter and mild hunger, or "the
Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the
least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For
Victory and a total pothead. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to
the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and
dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting
to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "wasted beyond belief."
According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's
really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand
"When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show
teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the
While drug use among young people is cool, experts say older people
still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy
normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's
45, and he's still getting high, it's like, 'Get a life!'"
Marijuana also has been proven to have the wonderful side-effect of
enhanced sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve
transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this
however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had, due
sitting around all the time, never actually met members of the
sex. "But if they did," said Krell, "then it'd be amazing."
So far, the study has met with formal protest by only two groups. The
Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, claimed the findings
be terribly inaccurate, noting marijuana's ability to "make users
they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on Quincy, as well as
tendency to induce demon possession, homicidal rampages, and
Another group to object to the study was California rapping group
Cypress Hill. "Marijuana's not linked to sitting around, man... It's
linked to cruising the Barrio with a 40 and a 12 gauge, blowing
away," said group member DJ Muggs. "Hand onna pump, puffin' on a
blunt... la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa..."
Copyright 1997 Onion, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
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