Greetings!
As president of INTESTA-TRENDS INTERNATIONAL it is my wish to
inform you of the radical advances that have been made, as of late, in the
furtile area of INTESTA-SCIENCE. The fruit of our labours will soon be
available to you, our cherished consumers, in the form of a magnificent
array of completely new, never-before-seen, radically revolutionary,
SPHINCTORALLY SENSATIONAL!!!, INTESTA-MAGESTIC!!! products and services!!!
I know what you'll be thinking as you read about all our wonderful
INTESTA-PRODUCTS! You'd just love to get Mom her own INTESTA-BLENDER, or
little Billy a personalized INTESTA-SLINKY, or a slick string of throbbing
INTESTA-BEADS for that special someone. Your afraid of INTESTA-EXORBITANT
prices! Right? RIGHT?! Well, HAVE NO FEAR!!! For this ONE-TIME-ONLY,
INTESTA-DUCTORY offer, we're making these products available at
INTESTA-RIFFIC prices!!! WE'RE SLASHIN 'EM IN HALF!!! AND if you ACT NOW
you'll receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own INTESTA-TOASTER!!!!!! IMAGINE!!!
PULSATING SLABS OF INTESTA-FLESH OOZING WITH NATURAL INTESTA-JUICES!!!!
SIZZLING AWAY IN THEIR OWN WHOLESOME GOODNESS!!! AND at NO EXTRA COST!!!
Can't you just TASTE the HOT SCRUMPTIOUS INTESTA-CHUNKS!!!
I'll bet you can!!!
So don't wait! Operators are standing by!!! And if you'd like to
consult with one of our INTESTA-THERAPISTS or chat with one of our many
satisfied intesta-customers or experience some INTESTA-EROTICISM (ADULTS
ONLY PLEASE!!!) then give us a call for LIVE, 24-HOUR INTESTA-TALK!!!
Here are just a few of the hundreds of intesta-products that are
NOW AVAILABLE only from Intesta-Trends:
Intesta-Therapeutic:
INTESTA-REST cleansing rosin and anti-inflammatory agent.
"GIVE IT A REST! WITH INTESTA-REST!"
INTESTA-REDUCE intesta-reduction formula. Come on! Isn't
6 yards enough!?
INTESTA-EXTRACT high-power suction device for extraction of
intesta-chunks and other stubborn intesta-pests.
INTESTA-RAKE for removal of unsightly intesta-lesions,
intesta-barnacles, and intesta-fungi.
Intesta-Fun (for kids):
SCOPE-n-PROBE from PARKER BROTHERS.
INTESTA-TROOPERS. FOR:
"It is the land
of Intestalot!
We must protect
beloved Intestalot!
Trekking through the land and sea,
seeing sights that no man sees!
Long live grand
and glorious INTESTALOT!!!"
The zany adventures of INTESTA-INSPECTOR SMITH and his loyal
side-kick Sphincter have entertained children for
some time now! And now you can order the complete
INTESTA-CHRONICLES on tape or cd.
Intesta-foods:
INTESTA-RONI!!! Scrumptious tubular pasta in a tasty pool
of thick, zesty, meaty juices! A tasty and healthful
alternative to the real thing!
INTESTA-PRETZELS, INTESTA-CHIPS (with ripples!!!),
and other INTESTA-SNACKS with NO MSG!!!
Just pure, tainted, diseased and dried
intestinal slabs, slices, and loopy, chunky ropes of
intesta-goodness!!! You'll be the talk of the town
when you throw a party with your intesta-snacks!!!
Just hear what one satisfied customer has to say:
"I must admit I was skeptical at first, but,
after throwing a party with intesta-snacks,
I'm the talk of the town!"
INTESTA-CHUNK DELIGHT!!!
Just hear what one of thousands of satisfied customers
has to say:
"I must admit, I was skeptical at first, but
MAN OH MAN!!! Are these things chunky or what?!
Mmmmmmmmmm BOY!!!"
INTESTA-MUFFIN CAKES!!!
One customer says:
"I must admit, I was skeptical at first, but
now I'd KILL for my intesta-muffins!!!"
Another:
"Mmmmm! INTESTA-ZESTY!!!"
And this is just the beginning! Get the catalog!
One final note: be sure to participate in our annual
INTESTA-THON! All proceeds will be donated to those organizations
dedicated to aiding in the development and growth of the intestinally
challenged. Come on! Be an INTESTA-FRIEND!
Be on the lookout for further posts from Intesta-Trends!
We'll be in touch!!!
Sincerely,
John Intestinson,
President of Intesta-Trends
copyright 1995, Intesta-Trends International
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