Recently the Church Elders saddled me with the unwelcome task of being
God's (Not to be confused with JHVH-1) job counselor, as the ex-supreme
being hasn't been doing much since Mal-2 fired him for gross
incompetence.
Rev. Weird Frank was God's last counselor. "Rev. Weird Frank told me
he's REALLY pushy and always late. he turned the guy before me into a
Pig,
he may not be the supreme being anymore, but he still knows some scare
tricks" Exclaimed Brother Frank as I put our expensive luncheon on the
Church account.
So Monday morning found me waiting on the beach, with my friend Jenny
(who
I'm currently leading down the path to high weirdness) which seemed to
be
as good a place as any to expect him to show up. Jenny and I were talking
about It All and eventually about world peace.
"My Grandmother doesn't like any of that 'Peace Stuff'" said Jenny. "Great"
I replied "I agree totally! Let's get some of my friends together and I'll
mace her while they chain whip her, then we'll beat her till she bleeds
out
of both ears!"
She didn't seem very keen on the idea, and that seemed to kill our little
talk. Moments later, I saw him. An old man in robes, his beard brushed
back and forth by the wind, was hobbling up the beach toward me with a
wise
look in his eyes.
"Ah-ha! Not this time, pal, I'm not turning into a pig for nobody!" I
thought as I watched him approach. Suddenly I leaped at him with a
fierce
Viking roar that would loosen the bowels of a Sumo wrestler and maced
him
right between the eyes.
"AIIIIEEEGH! HOLY SHIT! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I only wanted two
dollars
for some cheap smack!" he wailed at me, weeping loudly.
"Shit. Sorry about that, I thought you were God" I said, handing him a
crisp fiver. He limped off vaguely muttering about "Evil Twisted Freaks"
on this beach.
Then the wind picked up and howled down out of the sky like a rabid dog,
and fire rained down out of the sky. A voice boomed out of the eye of the
storm, "WHAT DOEST THOU WANT, YOU ARE AN OFFENSE AGAINST THINE
SIGHT."
Of course the elders told me to expect just this sort of thing, so I yelled
"FUCK YOU TOO! I HAVE YOUR VERY LAST WELFARE CHECK HERE, SO IF YOU
WANT IT
YOU'D BETTER COME DOWN HERE AND PLAY BALL, YOU OLD DEGENERATE
PERVERT!"
NEXT ISSUE: HASSLING GOD ABOUT BEING A NO-GOOD SHIT WHO CAN'T
HOLD DOWN A JOB.
-------------------
POCAHONTAS -- the secret agenda
I haven't seen any other warnings, but I can't believe none of you
have seen those advertising posters that have been spread all over
the place. THINK, now! There she is, the sexy heroine, with
nostrils obviously set directly in her face without a nose, and
eyes like a lemur set slant-wise in her head. Yes, POCOHONTAS IS
A SPACE ALIEN!! And by presenting her as a sympathetic figure the
Disney Corporation is clearly collaborating in the propaganda task
of creating a clique of potential collaborators with the non-
humans. This is obviously the last step before the group now in
orbit calls the Mother Ships in from beyond Pluto and they *&^%$#@
NO CARRIER
$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$
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