Many people have never asked me exactly what the ZPK Unit is
researching. Well, there's a lot of material in preperation. But in
the course of investigating the properties of ZAtypic Lateralattices
(a central element of Project YETI) we stumbled across some ZPK
answers that reveal some of the essential features of
slack. Therefore, we have decided to release this information to the
SubGenius community immediately.
(Following material transcribed from Rhetorical Device MG-6)
It has been suggested that slack is not a substance, not something
that is an inherent quality of objects. That's just a half-truth
designed to stop you probing too deeply into things that could prove
more than a little bit dangerous if they were tampered with by
well-meaning but misguided idiots. But what's life without a little
risk? So, I want to set things straight. Slack damn well IS a
substance/force/essence, measurable, detectable and extractable. It's
like a perfume emitted by every eyebrow quotient (see ZPK Primer) in
the universe, a heady and intoxicating perfume that causes
AROMASTUBATORY AROUSAL. The Nental Ife performs a process of
QUANTA(UM) MECHANICAL AROMASTICATION to lock that fleeting fragrance
into the Pstench (occasionally, a glut of slack causes the Nental Ife
to become bloated - this requires "blowing it out").
But we're all only attuned to certain smell frequencies. And if you're
not picking up the whiff of slack at the moment, you're just on the
wrong stinking channel. Well, you can't force everyone to smell the same.
Only "Bob" gets to sample the pure *white noisomeness* of slack,
snorting it up across the entire bandwidth simultaneously. Everyone
else is only able to pick up the barest whiffs in comparison. But
there are processes that allow you to get more of a sniff at these
olslacktory pleasures (e.g. "opening the third nostril"). SubGenii
are lucky - they are able to twiddle their dials to sample a wide
range of SCENTIENCES. The pink has a nailed-down dial and is generally
only able to latch on to the *pink noisomeness* of False Slack, the
lingering stale smell after true slack has evaporated.
Bobbies are located somewhere inbetween - accumulating a bunch of
"rotten" slack. The reason this happens is that they don't pay enough
attention to the QUOTES of "Bob". If those quotes weren't there, the
Bobbies would be trying to cabalistically divine "Bob" essence in
everything. And while, of course, the hebephrenic state of devotees
would be a glorious thing to behold, they'd be quivering in such a
Nirvanic wreck that it would be IMPOSSIBLE for them to get their
chequebooks out. The quotes are a "cage" to keep the REALITY-FUCKING
slack he has from permeating everything and stinking the place up:
they act to induce IRONICAL STERILIZATION of the reek that even his
name gives off.
"Bob" is so glutted with slack, he is nearly continuously "blowing it
out" (that's the reason he's so damn elusive, and one of the functions
of his pipe). But Bobbies don't realize this. They unknowingly try to
uncage the essence of "Bob". Their Nental Ives pick up his foetid and
rotting traces. This is what gives the Xist blend its "special
tang". If you are really picking up slack, your Pstench is
(probably) much too over-ripe to make a good blend: that's why
SubGenii aren't included in the deal. This also explains why the
Church urges you to kill "Bob": Rev. Stang is desperate to get rid of
the foul stench Dobbs seems to carry around.
We can see the psychic drop-out all around us. WHO DO YOU THINK SPAMS ALL
THE MAKE MONEY FAST AND PHONE SEX ADS ANYHOW? It's a futile attempt by
those trying to lure Dobbs with offers of fast cash and sex, desperate
to get an ever stronger dose of rot-slack.
--
"It's IMPOSSIBLE to cross dress too provocatively."
[Pseudo-Official DogTrine of the ZPK SubGenderist X-Group]
--
The ZPK Unit [Eyebrow-raising preterscientificoherency] contactable via:
petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk & http://www.cogsci.ed.ac.uk/~petehip/home.html
Up one level
Back to document index
Original file name: SCI.48
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.