Subject: Re: Prairie Squid-- ICE BORERS
From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)

Yesterday my kid showed me an article in the new DISCOVER
science mag about a NEWLY DISCOVERED ANIMAL that makes the undebeaked
squid and the FFBat look downright CUDDLY and MUNDANE by comparison.
Indeed, when Xan told me about it, at first I didn't believe him. Then he
showed me the reputable magazine... and it's still hard to believe. But
get this:

A wildlife biologist named Aprile Pazzo was in the Antarctic studying
penguins at a remotearea near the Ross Sea coast. She saw a group of
penguins fleeing something in extreme agitation. Stampeding. She found one
penguin that hadn't fled. "It was sinking into the ice as if into
quicksan," she said. Somehow the ice had melted and the [penguin was waist
deep in slush. Pazzo grabbed the struggling penguin and freed the bird --
and discovered a dozen small, pink, hairless molelike creatures had
clamped their jaws onto its lower body. She caught one, but the others
dropped off and disappeared into the icy slush.

She studied them for the next few months. She calls the strange new
species HOTHEADED NAKED ICE BORERS. "They're repulsive," she says -- and
there's a photo of one of their hideous fanged faces, PROOF that God is a
MALIGNANT BEING. Adults are about rat-sized and have very high metabolic
rates, with body temperatures of 110 degrees. They live in labyrinthine
TUNNELS in the ICE; there is a huge buny plate on their foreheads, the
skin laced with innumerable blood vessels. The monstrous creatures radiate
intense heat through their hot plates, which they use to MELT TUNNELS IN

A pack of ice borers will cluster under a penguin and melt the ice and
snow it's standing on. When the haples bird sinks down into the slush, the
ice borers attack, dispatching it with bites from their
mini-sabretooth-tiger-like incisors. They then carve it up and carry the
flesh back to their foul ice burrows, leaving behind only webbed feet, a
beak, and some feathers. Pazzo says they travel through the ice at a
surprising speed, "much faster than a penguin can waddle."

Pazzo suspects that the heroic polar explorer Philippe Poisson, who
disappeared in this region without a trace in 1837, may have fallen prey
to a pack of ice borers. An emperor penguin can be 4 feet high; Poisson
was 5'6".

((End of article I largely retyped from the DISCOVER mag. I shortened it a
little and added adjectives.))

I know, I know; it HAS to be a joke. But I don't think it is. DISCOVER
doesn't go in for haoxes and there's a photo of this disgusting little
squinty-eyed, dome-headed wrinkly pink RAT-MOLE-THING. If this is for
real, then the LORD GOD CREATOR has a far sicker sense of humor than even
Sterno on a bad acid trip. I believe the story, myself. Nature has truly
miraculous ways of helping her children adapt to a harsh environment,
especially if there's penguin meat to be had. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT
POOR LATE EXPLORER'S LAST SECONDS OF LIFE, as he found himself suddenly
sinking into icy slush, his flesh being rent and torn by creatures that to
him must have seemed like demonic piranhas from the bowels of HELL

But then we must also consider the sexual POSSIBILITIES raised by these
animals... no doubt there are people like Michael Jackson who could afford
ICE SKATING RINKS full of these hellish beasts. The sports of the rich are
many and varied and some are perhaps left best secrets of their

That's the April DISCOVER if you don't believe me. The cover story: ALIENS
ON THE BEACH! -- a story which features electron microscope photos of some
of the SICKENING LOOKING, newly discovered teeny little animals that live
in BEACH SAND. Some of these things will turn your stomach... like those
pictures of the things that live in your eyelashes. Some of these things
look like ARMORED PUSSY-DICK-MARTIANS, others like
TUBE-WORM-DEVIL-ANKYLOSAURUSES. Thank God they're too small to see except
in magazine photos.

While we're on the subject, I would highly recommend the Discover Channel
4 part TV special, THE NATURE OF SEX, if it is ever rerun. Truly
gut-wrenching footage of Vampire Bats fucking, Bonobo "chimps" going at
it, sea cucumbers biting each others' dicks off so they can become females
and lay eggs... lemma tell you, no SubGenius science fiction biologist
could ever improve on the wonders of Nature. Maybe the show is rentable by
now. If so, and if you haven't seen it, BOY do you have a Saturday night
cut out for YOU.

Copyright! 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang, 1st Orthodox Stangian MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Ressurrected, aka The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 USA, fax 214-320-1561... PRABOB


From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)

In article <3jm4sl$>, (Dennis
McClain-Furmanski) wrote:

> Rev. Ivan Stang ( wrote:
> : BUT MAN!!! Yesterday my kid showed me an article in the new DISCOVER
> : science mag about a NEWLY DISCOVERED ANIMAL that makes the undebeaked
> : squid and the FFBat look downright CUDDLY and MUNDANE by comparison.
> : Indeed, when Xan told me about it, at first I didn't believe him. Then he
> : showed me the reputable magazine... and it's still hard to believe. But
> : get this:
> I followed it right up until the part where they burrowed 'faster than a
> penguin can waddle'. Sorry, but I've waddled with those little bastards, and
> they go a bit quicker than a person can walk. And I've tried to poke a RED
> FUCKING HOT iron bar through ice, and it doesn't go but an inch a second.
> I believe you, man, I just don't believe that Pazzo person. They cannot go
> that fast.
> --

I know, I know... that's the part that makes me feel it MUST be a hoax.
But... would a fine Conspiracy science mag like DISCOVER, PERPETRATE A
HOAX?? Would a fine bunch of UTTER PINKS at some NEW YORK MAGAZINE OFFICE
possibility. But I swear the article, as such, is a real thing that exists
in physical reality.

I should add that I was wrong about THE NATURE OF SEX (great bestio-porn
documentary) being a DISCOVERY CHANNEL special. Charles Herbig corrected
me on that -- it was a PBS special. Funny... the email he sent me this
morning seemed to be simultaneously an alt.slack post... yet it ain't here
on Metronet late this night... hmmm... I guess the flow-rates of posts to
and from different places must vary tremendously. And I can't see ANYTHING
on alt.binaries.slack except one of my two test posts. Must be the god
damned Post-Slowing Furry Wire Worms.

But I'm not kidding about that Discover article. I don't care if it's
impossible... I believe in the Hot Headed Naked Ice Borer.


From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)


Damn it, it FINALLY SUNK IN. I was laying in bed last night, drunk (an
unusual condition for me, but the Reds intercepted the Tibetan 'Frop
shipment), UNABLE to think about ANYTHING but those damn Ice Borers, and
the paradox brought up by Dynasoar, and SUDDENLY the realization sprang
into my mind:

The APRIL issue of Discover magazine... the biologist who discovered these
creatures, APRILE PAZZO...


The only question now is, in what language does PAZZO mean FOOL?

It's the ONLY TIME that a "respectable science mag" gets to PULL something
like this.

I just want you all to know that this occured to me before anybody emailed
me to tell me what a gullible sucker I am. At least it didn't take more
than 36 hours to sink in.

But, boy, am I let down. I was so looking forward to the PBS footage of
the Hot Headed Naked Ice Borers in a mating frenzy beneath the Polar ice,
and the bloody shots of an Emperor Penguin being torn to shreds as it
sinks slowly into the slush. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

Now that I look at the picture again, I can see it's nothing but a
stinking infant rat or something with a hot forehead dome and fangs
Photoshopped in. AND I FELL FOR IT!!!

But you know what? By god, I STILL believe in the Hot Headed Naked Ice
Borer. I BELIEVE IN IT!!! I still want to TRY A PACK OF THEM OUT for
sadosexual Bobbie-torturing purposes! If there ARE no Ice Borers, and it's
all just an April Fool's prank, why can't we still get those scientists
who created the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park to GENETICALLY ENGINEER a few?



Rev. Ivan "Easy to Snipe" Stang

From: (Lou Duchez)

Who says they don't really exist? What better way to hide a hideous
freak of nature (or religion) than to make like it's all a big joke?
Sure, people will laugh at the HHNIB, they'll wear HHNIB T-shirts and
buy "The Book of the HHNIB" but not really believe in it ... but one
day when the ice gets a little thin below their feet ...

"... And I tried believin' in Mark 11:22-23 but it just don't work.
I don't know a single Xian who can move his frigging beer can across the
kitchen table in the name of Jezzzus much less throw a mountain into the
sea as Jesus said ya could. It's a fake. Jesus promised big, bad in yer
face type miracles but not a single Xian can do one as promised."

-- Pope Charles of Houston


From: (Elayne Wechsler-Chaput)

Rev. Ivan Stang ( wrote:

: But you know what? By god, I STILL believe in the Hot Headed Naked Ice
: Borer. I BELIEVE IN IT!!! I still want to TRY A PACK OF THEM OUT for
: sadosexual Bobbie-torturing purposes! If there ARE no Ice Borers, and it's
: all just an April Fool's prank, why can't we still get those scientists
: who created the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park to GENETICALLY ENGINEER a few?

Uh, Stang? About those dinosaurs... no, on second thought, never mind.
You rest now. You've had a hard night.

- Elayne
"I am de Head of de Fireheads. I am de Head Firehead. I am de #~~
Firehead Head..." (E-Mail me for more information about the )#(
official Firesign Theatre newsletter, Four-Alarm FIRESIGNal!) ( # )

From: (sphinx drummond)

I've been away for a few days contemplating my next poster project. Did I
mention that there was time when posters freed me to express myself fully
AS myself because they were so unmediated? Anyway, you cool studly dudes
gave me a great poster idea. The Hot Headed Naked Ice Borer poster, this
alone justifies the cost of Photoshop. Thanks guys.

Col. Sphinx Drummond I always lie, and that's the truth.
Commander of S.L.A.K. I just think....Hell, I don't know.
Aspiring Film Maker

From: (John Foust)

April Fool? I think so. We need not bother to disprove this
with talk of calories, thermodynamics, etc. OK, go ahead,
pull the wool over your own eyes.

I've always been a big cephalopod fan, myself. Have you ever
seen the Discovery Channel special on them? These cuttlefish
have rapidly changing chromatophores (colored spots) along their
bodies, they sneak up on shrimp, bedazzle them with a light
show, rear up into striking position, turn on the lights,
and then snatch them with a spare set of arms. Works every time.

So after you've done a prairie squid, can you turn it inside
out and do it again?


From: (Tzimisces)

With names like Aprile Pazzo and Poisson in an April edition it
probably is a hoax: but I don't think that's important.

Doesn't this seem like what Vonnegut called a 'factoid' - it may not be
true but it's so real it OUGHT to be. Other than that, it could be a CON
trick to fool us into thinking that these beasts don't exist: just make
a joke out of it and no-one will even suspect that every ice-rink in the
country could host them.

Henceforth I'm going to open a farm to breed hotheaded naked ice borers. I
don't have a supply of live penguins but something like battery chickens
should do; they have the advantage that they can't run. I don't want my
prize HHNIBs wasting energy.

Rev. Stang, when I've bred a few dozen of these little darlings I'll
post a report of their sexual possibilities. I think they'll be ideal
for felching, plus you don't need to shave them first. I'll need to load
up with a garlic high colonic first, I guess.

John Tzimisces
* *
* John Tzimisces *
* *


From: (Doktor BoogieDown)

I must say, who the TANJ needs the paper-version of the Stark Fist
with an online smorgeshborg (yeah, like I'm gonna look it up) of
literary vittles spouting forth from online Fistulas! AIEEEE!

I've read just a few posts tonight, but audible laughs did LAUNCH from
my throat several times. That's a feat. Or efete. Or something.

Seriously, the Online Fist already exists, and it's here, the MOSH pit
of our personantellecualary lobes, a blending of MEMES (I told you I
wouldn't quit using that word til someone complained, and then
probubly won' stop anyway) built on zeros (0) and ones (1)!

Poke me with a red hot poker, and it surely won't go in an inch, I'll
tell ya that.

Semper Dobbs,
Doktor BoogieDown


Subject: Hotheaded naked ice borers
From: (Grand Clavister)

Cripes, I thought SOMEONE was kidding, until, in the garbage near my
temple, I found a copy of DISCOVER (April 95), and sure enough, on pages
14-15, the tiny article exists about the HOTHEADED NAKED ICE BORERS!
Someone has got to be shitting SOMEONE!! These creatures are really like
something out of a sci-fi/fantasy novel! And they put a heat-radiating
effect on the "bump" of a borer on the picture as though they were red-hot
pokers!! What a fucking load!



Subject: important ice borer news (fwd)
Date: 7 Jun 1995 03:05:43 -0500

The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's Newsletter
<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> BONG Bull <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>
Charley Stough, Chief Copyboy
Copyright (c) 1995 by BONG. All rights reserved.

For June 7-8, 1995. Still able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
because it never tried leaping a barricade on a stupid horse, the
Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild clears the wall with BONG Bull No.

In the May 30 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News, we
published an AP children's news brief about a new species of, er,
creature called an "ice borer," discovered in Antarctica by an Italian
biologist, Aprile Pazzo. The creature was said to have a lump of blood
vessels at the top of its head that could melt ice rapidly, allowing it
to tunnel through the ice pack and surface beneath penguins, etc., for
its food.
The day after we published this piece, a reader called to say
Aprile Pazzo is Italian for April Fool, and that there is no such thing
as an "ice borer." A call to AP's New York office prompted a flustered
editor to call 3-2-1 Contact magazine, which originated the story. 3-2-1
got back to AP with a statement that confirmed the whole thing was a
joke started by Discover magazine. 3-2-1, which had not yet published
the story, quickly yanked it. AP promised to move a correction on its C
wire but could not say when such a correction would move, as it was
"just the C wire" to quote the New York editor.
The Northwest Florida Daily News is left with ice borer poo on its
-- Michael Crew (, transmits from Blighty

Rev. Matthew A. Carey vision temple : tarzana california
18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 "WE ARE NOT AN OCCULT"
Tarzana, CA 91356 Dealers of fine religious materials.
-- protecting the first amendment through vigorous daily excercise --

Subject: re: Wow, and I thought "Wild Palms" was unscientific...
From: (Doktor BoogieDown) (Lou Duchez) wrote:
>gonna be like". (Though I've noticed that, on "Next Generation",
>they play cards and on "Voyager" they play pool. I wonder what sport
>they'll engage in on the next show. Dog-racing? Dwarf throwing?
>Cock fights? Bonobo mating?)

Bobbing for HOT_HEADED ICE_BORERS is what I say. I SAY IT ALOUD! I don't
deny that the little hotheads seem "ficticious" to some people, but I think
it's just the Con's way of really pulling the wool over our eyes! How many
OTHER SPECIES do you think they have cataloged, WITHOUT OUR CONSENT or

Eh hem.

Doktor BoogieDown
(frop frop frop the night away)

----- - Brian.D.Bisson@Miami.FL.USA.Earth.Sol.mway
Doktor, Church of the SubGenius - #include <ordainshipscription.h>
Excrimeditated Congregation of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard
HTTP:// for a dose of SubMediaBlasphemeWorship


Up one level
Back to document index

Original file name: ICE BORERS

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.