"Revelation X", on page 104, DEMANDS that we send unto the Church our experience
of Aliens. To whit, I present a brief sketch of the two alien species with which I
have had occasion to deal in the past.
Physical description: seven foot tall, shaggy, five-tentacled shambling
monstrosities. Usually at least two ray guns in each tentacle.
General behaviour characteristics: MALES - Like Y-ists with a sense of humour,
however morbid. If they find you more interesting alive than dead, they
try to keep you that way. However, this hasn't stopped them conducting
Grey-like experiments on innocent life-forms (and the occasional entire
*planet*) all across the galaxy.
FEMALES - (relatively) sane and/or sensible.
Sexual characteristics: two sexes, much like humans. Main (if not only
difference) - only the females can shoot straight.
Societal structure: Fascist/imperialistic "firepower democracy" (one gun, one
vote). Since only males are allowed to carry guns by tradition, this
also a highly sexist society. The males of the species, no doubt spurred
on by their inability to dominate the females (who can not only shoot
straight, but can even *count), they have been driven for eons to
establish a pan-Galactic empire - i.e, find other species to dominate
and enslave. Thus, the military aspects of society are under their
total control. Of course, every thing else (the economy, etc) is
considered "women's work" and beneath their dignity, so it's only
thanks to the females (FNADIES) that the planet keeps running.
Home planet: <CENSORED>. If its location were publicly released, every single
formerly subject race in the galaxy would gang up and beat the shit
out of them.
Origin and history: Fnords are past masters at forgetting things they don't
like to admit, like their ill-fated colonies on Earth and Ybux (qv).
Thus, their true origin is shrouded in mystery. The Fnords themselves
believe them to be the first-born children of the Great Galactic Lord.
Asked why they don't have any religion, they reply, "We killed him."
[Actually, it is believed that Fnords were evolved as a warrior species
for an even nastier former galactic empire, but no Fnord will admit to
ever having worked for another, and thus lesser, species.] Their empire
reached its greatest extent, 27% of this galaxy (including their
colonies on Antarctica and Mars) two million years ago - since then
it appears to have shrunk to a paltry dozen-or-so star systems. Of
course, reminding a Fnord of this is a ticket to disintegration.
Technological level: bloody advanced, especially in destructive capability.
Pastimes: shooting, quaffing intoxicating beverages, establishing domination
over whole galactic sectors, sex.
Lifespan: unknown. No Fnord is known to have died from natural causes, although
the fatality rate in their eternal civil war is very high.
What to do if you meet a Fnady: talk nicely to her, and you may well have a
friend for life.
What to do if you meet a Fnord: RUN LIKE FUCK. Of course, this probably won't
work, because Fnords are notoriously bad shots and will probably kill
you by accident while aiming at something in the other direction.
Famous Fnordish proverbs:
"The Bigger the Gun is, the Better the Fun is"
"We *ARE* the Superior Being!"
"Daleks are WEENIES"
"Wibbles? What Wibbles?"
Physical description: three foot tall, long brown shaggy fur, three eyes (one
in back of head, two in front), three dear little legs, a beak, and a
ten-foot long retractable green tentacle coming out the top ot the head.
General behaviour characteristics: Imagine Stimpson J. Cat crossed with a
Smurf, then add a libido that puts bunny rabbits to shame.
Sexual characteristics: hermaphrodites. Usually copulate by hanging from ropes.
All Wibbles give birth to a maximum of one litter of three (or four)
wibblettes in their lives. Extremely kinky - crowbars and gerbils are
preferred sex-toys. Wibbles regard "boinking" as a friendly gesture,
and proposition anything to a torrid sex session within thirty seconds
of meeting it.
Societal structure: fuzzy anarchy. All important decisions, like who gets to
wear the funny hat that week are settled by tentacle wrestling. "Tribal"
style economy - wibbles are very communitarian.
Home planet: Ybux. 120% size of Earth, similar gravity. 60% land, 40% water.
Northern continent (Fred) almost entirely under ice; Eqatorial continent
(Nelson) lush, tropical and biodiverse; Souther continent (Barney)
dry and cold. Most Wibbles live in Barney. Binary sun system (called
by Wibbles "Sun" and "Other Sun") and three moons, apparently called
"Yo", "Chilling", and "Dude". Why is anyone's guess. According to
the few Earth-based wibbles, Ybux is fifty light-years "thataway".
History: although the Wibbles don't like to admit this much, they too are an
artificial lifeform. When the Fnords arrived on Ybux, it was a barren
planet devoid of all organic life. (Nelson was, according to who you
believe, a genetic expeiment that got out of hand, or hit by a Genesis
torpedo during a civil war.) The native silicaceous lifeform, the
Snelfs, proved intractable as servants, and the Fnords needed someone
to do the dirty work of planet-building. It is generally believed that
the final genetic blueprint for Wibbles was either a very sick joke,
or the product of drunken incompetence. The huge tentacle, which not
only unbalanced the creature when extended but left no room for much
brain; the tripod legs which made its natural gait an inchoate scuttle;
and the hellish genital arrangement which made hanging from ropes the
natural copulation format. Of course, all Wibbles now look on these
imperfections as a badge of pride.
It is estimated that Wibbles lived, if not happily, at least
*quietly* as Fnordish slaves, cleaning out toilets and nuclear reactors.
This all changed about a thousand years ago - a particularly nasty
Civil War amongst the Fnords, coupled with the rise of the first
Wibblish religion, led to the downfall of the colony. This religion,
led by a wibble with the imaginative name of "Long-Tentacle" (or
"Wilcox" in Wibblish), taught that wibbles could be free through
FUZZY. The concept of FUZZY is almost as ambiguous as that of Slack,
although it seems to involve pacifism, respect for all life-forms,
happiness and endless free sex. Good going for a species that can't
count above four without special help.
A campaign of passive resistance against the Fnords at first
led to utter devastation, as Wibbles were decimated left and right for
refusing to pick up menial pieces of paper. The final straw came when
a group of Wibbles led by Wilcox himself blockaded the main Fnordish
military base on Barney, singing happy little songs about being fuzzy.
This so infuriated an overenthusiastic Fnord that he launched a tactical
nuclear missile at them, not only wiping out all the Wibbles, but the
Fnord himself and the entire military base to boot. Soon after this,
the Economic Council (run by Fnadies) gave up the whole Ybux idea as
a money-loss and ordered the Fnords to leave the planet.
They left behind almost all their technology (already obsolete
by Fnordish standards) and, unfortunately, a few of their weapons. In
the chaos that followed as Wibbles began to come to grips with their
new freedom and responsibilities, various maladjusted Wibbles put on
funny hats, grabbed a bazooka and declared themselves feudal warlords
(or "King God Emperors. Fuzzy!"). Naturally, they all began fighting
one another - it was like a Keystone Cops version of the Fnordish
Civil War, with one notable overlord with the orbital laser drawing
a huge smiley face (the Wibblish symbol for "Fuzzy") on the continent
of Barney (still visible from orbit). Eventually, all these overlords
met their come-uppance when they ran out of ammo. They were overpowered
by armies of disgruntled Wibbles and made to give up their funny hats.
These hats, and their purely honorary Overlord titles, are given out
as prizes at wrestling contests these days.
Technological ability: absolutely zilch. However, the economic infrastructure
from Fnordish days is still 98% up and running, and Wibbles who are
prepared to use Fnordtech live a comfortably high-tech life. (Some
aren't, eg, the "Simple" Wibbles - their version of the Amish.) In their
now-antique flying saucers, they cruise their local galactic sector
(including Earth and Mars) looking for new people to boink. A small
Wibblish colony has been started up on Mars, which has a climate in
the Equatorial region similar to that of southern Barney.
Diet: small furry animals - pref. cats, gerbils, even ducks will do at a pinch.
Little Blue Trees (native to Barney) are apparently nice.
Pastimes: tentacle wrestling, tentacle dancing, singing inane songs that make
"I love you, you love me" look deep, boinking, eating, more boinking,
joy-riding in flying saucers, even more boinking.
Lifespan: Twelve earth-years are considered old. Wibbles are sexually mature
three days after birth, but never seem to get pregnanat before the
age of two.
What to do if you meet a Wibble: Above all, be fuzzy. Wibbles tend to two things
to people who aren't fuzzy; (a) go away and cry, (b) fling them. Don't be
fooled - THAT TENTACLE IS BLOODY STRONG. Be aware that they will probably get
their feelings hurt if you turn down their offer of a boink. If you can find
a Barney the Dinosaur video, it may well keep them quiet for hours, but
explicit hardcore porn movies usually do better.
"All this talk about food has made me *hungry*!"
"Are you sure you do not wanna boink?"
"Small furry animals are *tasty*!"
"Please do you wanna boink?"
If this isn't published in the next book, I wanna know the reason *why*!
Anthony "SCHWAibo" Hobbs Wellington, NZ email@example.com
President, soc.bi "Get a Life" society; Neutopian Minister of Propaganda
"The shadows reflect in windows, indirect..."
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