Whence came the Prairie Squid?

Whence came the Prairie Squid?

From: modemac@netcom.com (Modemac)

My knowledge of the secret, forbidden scriptures of the Church of the
SubGenius is sadly limited (maybe I should channel L. Ron Hubbard and get
him to "clear" me). So when I look for references to prairie squid in the
Holy Books, I find nada-zippo-zilch except for that cute picture of the
farmer winking as he peddles his "Farm Fresh Prairie Squid." (Also
available as a T-shirt - send your money to The SubGenius Foundation P.O.
Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 today!)

Could someone - Dr. Drummond, Slacks-Daddy, Dynasor, Saint Duchez, Rev.
Sternodox, or someone - please enlighten me as to the history of the
Prairie Squid and its entanglement (ahem) with the holy rituals of the
Church of the SubGenius? Don't email me; post your spew here and let
others see the truth as well. Thanks.
From: tabst22+@pitt.edu (Tod A Beardsley)
Subject: Re: Whence came the Prairie Squid?

There is a 1-2 page scene in _Three Fisted Tales of "Bob"_ (Simon &
Schuester, Ed. by Rev. Ivan Stang), detailing close encounter with a
prairie squid in the tale, "The Third Fist."

Just in case you hadn't picked this one up.

There's a couple sentances around that picture, as well, in Revelation X.
But one doesn't usually learn of the joys of this beautiful creature
simply by reading books... My grandpappy took me aside one Thanksgiving,
away from the rest of the familiy, when I was 12, and introduced me
properly. An oral tradition in _every_ sense of the term, one might say.

| W.W. Don Fnordlioni, Cap'n of the Fnordian Rangers |
LISTEN. And understand. tabst22+@pitt.edu is out there. It can't be bargained
with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear.
And it absolutely will not stop, EVER, until you are dead.

Subject: Re: Whence came the Prairie Squid?
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

Sorry, bub, I was spawned in one of the inner city murder capitals of the
world, Gary, Indiana. I had no contact with prairies, much less the loverly
squid thereof until I happened to hide underneath a truck hauling slag out
of the stell mill belt and dumping it in a state park. By that time I'd
developed some hefty xenophobia and tended to kill and eat anything not
clearly of Yeti extraction. I haven't had the pleasure of pleasuring one of
these beasties yet.

dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.


From: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend)

And I'm from the burbs of New Jersey. Praise WFMU! We got off on plenty
of WFMU, but not a prarie squid to be found in the entire Metropolonian
area. Sorry.


From: Sternodox <glatter@delphi.com>

Just make damn sure you de-beak that motherfucker before having your
WAY with it. But after you DO, prairie squid squirtin' will SPOIL you
for anything ELSE. Ask Stang about that time at Dokstok II. Speakin' of
what: Dokstok XXXVIII is in the plannin' and anyone with a QUID 'O
FRAPPY is invited. You heard it first HERE! Yup, Northern Arkansas is
the FACE-PLACE, man. Yer grand-mother's foreskin will be YOUR ticket
to sheer DOK-TRAUMA (with at least 8 certified Doktorbands in attendance)
at the HAPPENING of the century. We got CHAINSAWS, we got PILLS, we got
is the way all previous Dokstox have been PLANNED. Fucking SPUR OF THE
MOMENT, man. Can you dig it? Yeah, Subs from all over the fucking WORLD
comin' together at a remote, tick-infested FIELD in ARKANSAS!!! Yeeee-
Hawwwwwwwww. I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT! Talk about yer CHURCH AIR! Talk about
yer fucking THREE-DAY SQUID-FEST! We're talkin' some DAMN SUB-In' here
my fren'. Binny's dead but YOU DON't HAVE TO BE. More later.

Rev. Sternodox


From: tom@nucleus.com (Thomas Terashima)

Hhhmmm, hhmmmmmm...that oozin' mollusc. Perhaps the best comparison is
that when a mere "human" is giving you head, their brain case is *above*
their oral cavity...when a Prairie Squid is giving you head, their
brain is *around* their oral orifice.

=W= /// Rev.Cmdr.Tom, sLACk sTATIOn zEBRa (tm) ///

Subject: Re: Prairie Squid
From: clavis@mindvox.phantom.com (J. Victor Stark)

Well, (I'll accept your apology for not including me amongst the supposed
"higher-arkey" of alt.slack later) the prarie squid was created by the
great First "Bob", the one who hung out with Ra as He created the animals
and the plants and all that combustible shit. "Bob" snuck off while He
was busy sewing the flaps onto a flying squirrel and "he" made such
nasties as the pushme-pullyu, the snark and the jabberwock, the geese
that laid golden eggs and the swans that laid live snakes. "He" also made
such familiar SubGenius buggies as the face-fucking bat and the prarie
squid. Now, when Wotan came around, He was pretty fucking angry at "Bob"
for messing around with the Grand Sandbox, and He zapped pretty much all
of the weirdo aminals that "he" had made. Fortunately for the
legend-writers, enough of the creatures had already slithered, flown and
teleported into the underbrush to survive until at least the beginnings of
recorded history.

Which brings us to the prarie squid. "Bob", from the beginning,
knew exactly what "he" was creating this particular critter for: ESS EEE
ECKS. SEX. That's right: "Bob" knows that the Sex drive is often at odds
with the Stuff drive (the drive you have to do other stuff). And so, to
prevent SubGenii from constantly spawning half-man-half-woodchuck-hole or
-beer-bottle or -wooden-crate or whatever it is that the poor horny
SubFolk can't help but ooze on or squirt in, he created the Prarie Squid.

These squid are designed to wrap their "mouths" (to call what a
prarie squid has in there a "mouth" is to call what Kitten Natividad has
"tits" or to call what George Carlin has "a sense of humor". Jeepers!)
around whatever is placed before them. This helps them suck the necessary
nutrition out of whatever is nearby, but oh man do we get to exploit THAT
particular adaptation!

They suck. They caress. They lick. They wiggle. They vibrate like
paint-mixers and they slide like axle-grease. They produce the most
mind-ripping gut-fucking eye-smearing dog-walking cat-dunking 99-cent
deluxe combination platter of sensations that one SubGenius with one
brain full of rapid-fire neurons can possibly HOPE to endure! The word,
in all honesty, has not yet been invented to describe what prarie squid can
do to a genetalio. The word "orgasm" is describing what knowledgable people
have when informed that they are probably going to get a chance to watch
the front door of a house in which a total stranger is listening to an
old LP of someone NEARBY someone fucking a prarie squid!!!

"Bob" is one of the few people on this shitty planet that has a
clean and constant supply of pedigree "octopussies" and "crust-stations".
Everyone else has to wait in long, shivering lines outside the cemetary
in which "Bob" keeps his Prairie Squid Dumpster, hoping that one will be
thrown out BEFORE it is 100% dead. Let them hope.

After all, joining the Church of the SubGenius is the only REAL
way to get on the Prarie Squid waiting list... just ask me!

Uh oh.... hold on.... aehideh03y5j*GG^YR#*#GR#@^%$*# e 34 )

Oh, yeah... nothing like fucking a hole cut-out of a picture of a prarie

Send KEYS and SASE for info to:
P.O. BOX 2559
NEW YORK, NY 10163-2559

Because the Grand Clavister is active again... !!!


<{[(0)]}> <--- This is the All-Seeing Eye of the O.L.I.N.Y.K., and
is designed to scan your system for fish.
The A-SEotOLINYK is under liscence of Fred Aluminum-Alloy, Grand
Clavister of New York City and Inventor of the Brainbox (nTM)


From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)

Ol' Modemac, that ol' codger, was asking about the mighty Prairie Squid.
Stark didn't do too bad describing the act itself. However, there are MANY
TYPES of prairie squids, and about HALF of them will hurt you VERY VERY
MUCH if you have your way with 'em. And I don't believe that Clavister
said ANYTHING about the BEAK. If you don't debeak those critters,
you're... well, you just go ahead and try it.

The single most extensive descripitons of and paeans to the Squid are to
be found on the early Hour of Slack tape, HoS #40, the all-squid show,
which is mainly G.Gordon Gordon and myself discussing the biology,
habitats, and the endangerment of the P.S. That show is $6.50 on cassette
from the Foundation, and I would recommend it to anyone. It's one of the
few that I've replayed on the show every year or so.

And then there're the Face Fucking Bats.


Subject: Re: Whence came the Prairie Squid?
From: ricky@usenet.nerdc.ufl.edu (That Pope-Hatted Man)

D:WINSOCKKA9QSPOOLMAIL (fud@fudriff.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: yeah er isn't there that joke in "BoB's favorite comics"

: hmm something like

: ...So the .... Farmer threw the dead prairie squid out the window and
: said ....

... And so the Skull Farmer throws the dead prairie squid out the
window and sez, "If THAT'S your Johnson Rod, then --

My God... Hoo, Ha Hee.... **SPLANCH**

Now here's a question for the Church Heriesarchs and Hierophants:

In the comix starting on page 15 titled "One God? Too Many!"
the main character gives his (wife?/girlfriend?) a Dobbshead
pendant and

She: It's _nice!_

He: I knew you'd just love it, honey! Promise me you'll
always wear it!

She: ...OKAY..


What gives? Did someone *censor* what he actually said?

Anyway, everyone should buy a copy of "Bob's" Favorite Comix
because the price is right and you'll spot some great art
like that Dobbs in the jungle with fangs on the last page.
And I love the Bulldada of Senator Kidney's Double or Nothing...

Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK. [SLACK OFF] Licensed to blaspheme the Gods!
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside! Inquire for free estimate.
Ob-Bulldada: Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214


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