BACON!

From: revjim@strangegames.com (Reverend Jim)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Oct 26, 2001 5:48 AM

I think that if I were to convert to some OTHER religion, that I could
probably handle giving up pork chops. Pork chops are good, but you
need a really good cook to do them right, and steak is better anyway.
And I never even liked pork rinds, or McDonalds hamburgers (which I'm
convinced are ground-up pig snouts). But even if "Bob" -- nay, even
if Connie Herself were to descend to me in a "chariot drawn by
sparrows" as Sappho put it, and offered me luxurious Paradise complete
with the 72 virgins in exchange for abandoning bacon on this mortal
sphere; well, I'll just say they'd have to be damn attractive virgins.

Bacon! What else is like it? Beautiful juicy sizzling strips, with
that unforgettable sensual moist taste. How does it manage to be so
moistly delicious, and yet so crunchy all at once?

You can't screw up bacon. Some people burn it black -- I hate that,
but it's STILL DELICIOUS. Some cheap-ass bacon is almost all
transparent fat and no meat, and some idiots undercook it so it's lean
and flabby -- and yet still ambrosial. Have it with eggs. Have it
with toast. Have it on the side with your dinner. You just can't
screw up bacon -- like Slack itself, the taste of bacon will soak
through all the Conspiracy's attempts to pollute and subdue and vilify
it.

You can't substitute bacon. My girlfriend's a vegetarian, and more
power to her. She's has no objection to my eating meat, and yet as I
reach my mid-twenties I already only eat meat once a week or so;
having a steak every other day just kills my stomach, and ruins the
enjoyment anyway. But a couple times she's tried to be clever and
give me some pasta with vegetarian bacon bits in it, thinking that I
would think it was real bacon. And I said "Honey, this pasta is
delicious, and these 'bits' are certainly nice taken by themselves.
But they're not bacon. They're just... not... bacon."

Now some people of OTHER religions tell me that bacon is bad for me.
I know that. It's a heart attack on a plate; the slime left over from
cooking it is plenty toxic. But we SubGenii appreciate our poisons!
We ENJOY the Antidote Pudding (which in Western Countries is partially
made of, you guessed it, bacon). And after all, I don't lead /that/
unhealthy a lifestyle. I don't take heroin. I don't work hard. My
promiscuity is for the most part purely intellectual. Dammit I put up
with the Conspiracy every day; I've earned my bacon.

There's been an argument on alt.slack about whether bacon makes you
smarter. Short answer: bacon leads to pleasure, pleasure to
happiness, happiness to thought, thought to intelligence. Such is the
answer to any "bad" habit. Why are SubGenii generally more
intelligent than everyone else? Not from having a better CPU, I
assure you. It's from bad habits. Same reason every great author or
thinker in history has been some kind of drinker, smoker, fucker, or
compulsive masturbator.

Ahh, masturbation. Wonderful masturbation. There's no substitute for
it (hey, like bacon!), and even when it's bad it's pretty damn good
(also like bacon!). Those OTHER religions are trying to tell me that
THAT is bad for me too. They say it's UNHEALTHY, that it's IMMORAL.
I'm so glad they care SO MUCH about my HEALTH. After all, they
wouldn't have any ULTERIOR motives, would they? All I know, is that
if you took away my bacon and my masturbation I'd probably be a
violent lunatic too.

BACON!

Your Reverend Jim
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: lyonderboy666@hotmail.com (Anti Pope Lupus of SI)

Yeah, baby!
Fukin' bacon, man.

Why is it a sin? I'll tell you.
Because most religions are mainly concerned with SPREADING.
Like that moldy peach you left in the "crisper".

And pork was a KILLER.
Yeah, back when we didn't have gas ovens and microwaves.
And a proper sewage system.

Man, the bacon dogma needs a rehaul.

-APLY
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: priestesspisces@hotmail.com (Priestess Pisces)

but here is the question.. if you HAD to give up bacon or
mastrubation.. one or the other.. to ensure you entrance on the
saucers...
which would it be??

for me it would be bacon.. yeah.. sure.. those sex goddesses will give
me all the pleasres of the universe.. but.. i still like to wank.. and
i always will... and i dont think i could give up wanking the wait
time for the damned saucers to show...

though bacon is damned good.. bacon, side of grits, and buttermilk
pancakes...
damn i am hungry...

but then.. i could always go wank to take my mind off it..

Priestess Pisces
(prefers the wankin)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: duke0uke <osama@bin.laden.org>

"BOB" bless the BLT!

I have a serious problem with vegetarian bacon/sausage products.
So.. it's not okay to eat an animal, but somehow it's okay
to PRETEND to eat an animal?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

One of the most wonderful things in life. I go into these crystalhead
stores full of aromatherapy that smells like fairy farts, and I think, GOD
DAMMIT, why should I think that sniffing a bottle of sage scented fairy fart
is supposed to make me want to get up in the morning and give me a purpose
in life?

There is ONLY ONE aromatherapy that pops my eyes open and makes me fly out
of bed singing Broadway grinning wider than NHGH, and that is the warm smell
waftelizing up from the kitchen of BACON and COFFEE. BACON and COFFEE are
the two things in the morning which are the only cure for waking up,
realizing that it's all a pointless put-on leading to entropy and
heat-death, and rolling back over. BACON and COFFEE are my BATTERY,
ALTERNATOR and TRANSMISSION for being a LIFE WARRIOR.

Hey fairy fart vegan aromatherapists: try beating BACON and COFFEE!!!!!!!

> Ahh, masturbation. Wonderful masturbation. There's no substitute for
> it (hey, like bacon!), and even when it's bad it's pretty damn good
> (also like bacon!). Those OTHER religions are trying to tell me that
> THAT is bad for me too. They say it's UNHEALTHY, that it's IMMORAL.
> I'm so glad they care SO MUCH about my HEALTH. After all, they
> wouldn't have any ULTERIOR motives, would they? All I know, is that
> if you took away my bacon and my masturbation I'd probably be a
> violent lunatic too.

Well all idealists want to be right. What better way to do it, than to keep
people unhappy until one of them snaps and makes a good show of
Freddykruegeresque fuckit, chasing the other unhappy ones to the arms of the
selfsame ideology that feeds the machine? The BEST WAY to beat that game is
to SIN and BLASPHEME in a PROFLIGATE and JUICY manner.

Juicy, kinda like waking up, masturbating, stretching, taking a shower, and
making breakfast with bacon, eggs, fried mushrooms and beans topped with a
grilled tomato and served with coffee, and getting on alt.slack afterward to
brag about it.

>
> BACON!

DAMMIT!

>
> Your Reverend Jim

alliekatt

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Original file name: BACON! - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:30