The Coast Guard RantOpus VI - by LesLucid
Fuckin' believe it or not, I worked for the God damn Coast
Guard for two mother fucking years. No shit. Those
shitasses are some of the most foul-mouthed cuntheads you'll
ever fuckin' meet in your entire cocksucking life. Fuckin'
all I fuckin' ever fuckin' heard was "fuckin' this" and
"fuckin' that", as fuckin' though "fuck" was fuckin' like
re-fuckin'-quired punctu-fuckin'-ation for fuckin' every
fuckin' thing every mother fucker ever fuckin' had to
fuckin' say. Fuck if the shit doesn't rub off on your ass
either. A mother fucker can easily take on the assholic
mannerisms of the shit-suckers around him. Like in, "Waiting
for [fuckin'] Godot." Remember when Vladimir called
Estragon a "... [fuckin'] pig" in the second act, an
expression he got from that asshole Pozzo? It's a good God
damn thing I fuckin' got the fuck away from those Coast
Guard piss heads before fuckin' picking the hell up on any
of those turd-faced sons of bitches' habits.
As usual, as in any setting, there was a special case, one
guy who stood out from all others. In this case it was a
Chief who was an absolute genius at constructing
obscenities. I couldn't even begin to give a representative
sample of his entire repertoire but take the common
expression "mother fucker" for a small example. No big
deal. The expression "mother mother fuckin' fucker" is also
common. That's nothing. This guy could put the most
amazing mother fuckin' expressions together. For a simple
example, he might come up with, "mother mother fuckin'
mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker". It makes sense, if
you think about it. Or he might say, "mother fuckin' mother
mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker". That too makes
sense. On the other hand he would never say, "mother
fuckin' mother mother fucker". That wouldn't make sense.
It is not even syntactically correct. He was always both
syntactically and semantically correct. It's not as easy as
you think. For starters, it's not as easy as matching the
number of "mother"s with the number of "fuck-whatever"s. I
tried to analyze it and here's what I came up with.
First, let's look at the structure of simple expressions
like "mother fucker" and "mother mother fuckin' fucker". I
prefer the list notation: (mother fucker) for "mother
fucker" and (mother (mother fuckin') fucker) for "mother
mother fuckin' fucker". Notice in the second example that
I've grouped the middle phrase "mother fuckin'" = (mother
fuckin') in parenthesis. This grouping is semantically
correct. It is correct because the middle expression
"mother fuckin'" = (mother fuckin') modifies "fucker", the
last element of the list. Things can get a little ambiguous
as in the expression, "mother fuckin' mother fucker". Does
the first phrase "mother fuckin'" modify only the word
"mother" or does it modify the entire last phrase "mother
fucker"? Apply common sense; the second choice is clearly
correct. (mother fuckin') modifies (mother fucker).
Therefore,
"mother fuckin' mother fucker" = ((mother fuckin') (mother
fucker)).
If you say, incorrectly, that (mother fuckin') modifies only
"mother" then (mother fuckin') would be grouped with
"mother" like this:
((mother fuckin') mother).
So, in that case, the whole expression would look like this:
"mother fuckin' mother fucker" = (((mother fuckin') mother)
fucker).
This second choice is clearly wrong, semantically.
Let's assume that "mother" can never be modified by any
subexpression. This is a sensible assumption in light of
the above example. The only things that can be modified are
"fucker", "fuckin'", and other subexpressions, not "mother"
by itself. So then, looking at the examples in the second
paragraph above,
"mother mother fuckin' mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker"
= (mother ((mother fuckin') (mother (mother fuckin')
fuckin')) fucker).
Also,
"mother fuckin' mother mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker"
= ((mother fuckin') (mother (mother (mother fuckin')
fuckin') fucker)).
An easy way to think about it is that things on the left
modify things on the right, except when the thing on the
left is "mother". "Mother" needs special treatment, ha ha.
Maybe it's easier to see in symbolic notation.
Let m = "mother".
Let f = "fucker".
Let f' = "fuckin'".
So, here's a list of all the examples used above:
"mother fucker" = (m f).
"mother mother fuckin' fucker" = (m (m f') f).
"mother fuckin' mother fucker" = ((m f') (m f)).
"mother fuckin' mother fucker" is not (((m f') m) f).
"mother mother fuckin' mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker"
= (m ((m f') (m (m f') f')) f).
"mother fuckin' mother mother mother fuckin' fuckin' fucker"
= ((m f') (m (m (m f') f') f)).
Get it?
An example, from above, of an invalid "mother fuckin'"
expression is
"mother fuckin' mother mother fucker" = ((m f') m m f)???
OK, it takes a little practice. It looks a little like
mathematics, doesn't it? Well, I guess it is mathematics,
sort of. However, the real power of mathematics comes to
bear only when processes like the one above are reversed.
It is no big deal to be able to take a mother fuckin'
expression and analyze its structure. What counts is to be
able to reverse the process. Instead of going from the
expression to the list structure, can you go from the
structure to the expression? Sounds easy, huh? It is, as
long as the list structure is valid. ((m f') (m f') (m f))
is just "mother fuckin' mother fuckin' mother fucker". But
what if the structure is not valid? How would you translate
(m m f')? "Mother mother fuckin'"? Makes no sense, does
it?
So it's not really a question of going from structures to
expressions. As I said, that's easy, given valid
structures. The hard part is defining which structures are
valid. Can you come up with guidelines for creating valid
mother fuckin' structures? Can you formulate rules for
creating these structures which always translate into valid
mother fuckin' expressions? You would call the guidelines
"mother fuckin' axioms", I guess. If you had guidelines you
could generate valid mother fuckin' structures endlessly.
From these you could translate to all the mother fuckin'
expressions that you needed, with ease.
The Coast Guard guy did it, apparently. My guess is that
that was how he could infallibly come up with amazing,
always correct, mother fuckin' expressions. Actually, I'm
not giving him nearly enough credit. This would be child's
play for him. He skills were far more well developed. He
wouldn't simply work with the set {mother, fuckin', fucker}.
He used to split the syllables in the words. For example,
he might say, "moth-mother fuckin'-ther mother fuckin' fuck-
mother fuckin'-ker." Or "mother moth-mother fuckin'-ther
fuckin' fucker". In other words, he could work with the set
{moth, ther, fuck, kin', ker} instead of just {mother,
fuckin', fucker}. Now that's really impressive. It takes
an advanced mind to put it all together. I'll be fucked if
I can do it.
L.L.
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Subject: Re: The Coast Guard
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Les Lucid wrote: the best gosh darn piece on cussin' I've read yet.
Nenslo would like to suggest for the cussin' afficionado the
rental of a space/sex/comedy called GALACTIC GIGOLO. It's a movie that
really works with its inherent dumbness and is pretty funny in unexpected
ways. My reason for mentioning it in this context is a sequence in which
the maincharacter, who has won a FREE VACATION on earth, finds himself
among Hassidic Hillbillies in the wilds of Connecticut. One of said
Yiddish Poebuckers is one of the world's champeen cussers, and gets some
real jawdropping cussing in, of which I can only recall the term "Jesus
Bill Damn." First and last time I ever ran into the use of the word Bill
in the profanity field.
Like.... uh... check it out. man.
Mother Nen fuckin' slo
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.
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