I would assume that online sex is like flirting by mail -- A BIG MISTAKE if
it goes any further. I've been dipping in the fanzine/correspondence world
for 20 years and the first leson I learned was, you can't tell a damned
thing about a person from their TYPED WORDS. Even phone communication can
be misleading. I can't count the number of SubGenius relationships I know
of that started up all hot and heavy by phone or mail and then when the
physical plane intervened, KABLOOEY, all was shot to hell. Usually it's
because both "partners" are way wimpier in real life than they are
"virtually." Or it's the opposite -- somebody comes on real "gentle" and
"sensitive" and then turns out to be a tactless monster.
On the other hand, there have been some really productive (eh-eh-eh)
SubGenius matches. Most of these were not actually inter-SubGenius but
cross-posted relationships -- i.e., SubGenius boys with Pagan girls or vice
versa. You throw a big devival and the hard-core Subs run into the curious
fringe weirdos from other arenas, and the chemistry gets a-goin'.
GOOD SEX FOR MUTANTS DATING SERVICE was a terrible bust under both Buck
Naked and Katlady... it was a hundred insecure guys and 1 insecure woman.
And her date was a nightmare. The moral is, I guess, keep your options
open. Don't look for someone "like you." It's the INVERSE you want, after
Rev. Ivan "Been Everywhere, Done Everything" Stang
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Joshua C. Horton)
Date: 17 Feb 1995
Well, well, well, I finally made it on here, have surfed through
most of the lengthier textbook-style postings that came unexpectedly from
the Heirarchy and have only begun to scratch the surface of the rest of
this newsgroup. Young Rev. Joshua here at New York University has gotten
it from Rev. Nickie to get my ass a free Internet access while I can, and
it is good. Now I can keep up with Church gossip like the rest of you
while exploring all of the on-line weirdness that I developed while a
pimply teenager on the local BBS's (where I learned to BS).
I must be having another test of faith (TofF) since no sooner
than I waved goodbye to an old friend in town for the weekend, than I get
word of the Pittsburg devival. Having spent ALMOST all of my dough on
books, rent, food, and entertaining this dear friend, I naturally decided
then and there to blow the LAST of it on "Bob." It was no accident that
I was immediately thereafter offered a job at the library where I can
listen to a walkman, ALL THE TIME, even old Hour of Slack tapes if I want
to, listening to no boss and doing no hassling with the "public." No
more of the Southland Corporation's 'Have A Nice Day' and no more
fretting over spending my last nickel in Pittsburg. Hell, I might even
have enough now to buy one of Dr. Legume's coveted Dobbshead paintings,
which he will be selling off at a remarkable discount to those Subs lucky
enough to be first in line, cash in hand. The luck plane tilts as soon as
you make the decision to send in the money!
Now, all of this may seem like a freak occurrence or some bizarre
miracle (strange...as I am typing this out I notice that, as I type the
word 'miracle' in the above sentence the computer's line-justifier
inserts a $ just before the word...weird). I'm bragging to a friend
about how big the Church of the SubGenius is getting in such a short
time. I mean, recently it's been such a whirlwind that I doubt that
there are many complaints at EITHER end of the Heirarchy. And I'm trying
to convince her that all she needs is to put a little devival into her
heart and a little money into "Bob"'s wallet and she can buy her way into
heaven. Or hell, depending on her wants. This is all
well and good for "Bob" but as one of His ministers I am faced with a
strange sort of Crisis. Because I'm sitting in this coffe shop for the
seventh time this month, laying on the Kosmik Debris and discerning my
chances with this really hot Xtian babe, when she slaps me right in my
face with the Truth. My problem:
"I don't have Jesus in my life."
So my friend says. She believes this to be a good way of
comforting my anxiety over this Devival. She misinterprets my hormonal
over her as a sublimated request of her to remind me of my Mortality
and of my dependence upon the Holy Spirit for guidance. You know the
type; as in, "While you're sinnin' this week-end, remember that this was
made possible by a grant from Christ-Corp., etc. What does this mean to
me? Should I turn to Jesus??
To begin with I really do appreciate her concern over my soul. I
may even invite Jesus over to the devival, although he will probably be
busy with little old ladies' tupperware parties or something. But
chances are that turning to Jesus Christ won't help my chances of
getting in bed with her. Actually I don't really care about that but I
began to question reality when I noticed that my friend's stated
implication in this little lecture was that "Bob" causes
little boys and girls to think of themselves only,and that is somehow not
the point. SubGenius Doktors: is this true?
THE POINT seems to be, according to my friend:
Jesus wants you to think of the other guy.
Jesus is the only way to salvation.
Jesus and "Bob" are incompatible if what you want is salvation.
O free will! I probe and I search, and I say NO! from the
heart! NO!NO!NO! There IS a way out of this mess and even if "Bob" is
not that way out he AT LEAST is a way IN! When I think about the
spiritual life of my childhood I think SECULAR HUMANIST. I think SEXUAL
DEVIANT. Before I bought THREE-FISTED TALES in the neighborhood comic
bookstore I would never have even considered CONSIDERING Jesus to be an
interesting topic of DEBATE, let alone something I might actually
BELIEVE IN. Or whoreship. But I find myself doing just this, friends:
Considering Jesus, in the light of "Bob". Understood from this
admittedly Christian point-of-view, a relationship with Jesus just might
be the ONLY benefit to salvation my soul will EVER reap by sending all of
my money to "Bob". If this is so,
then SO BE IT! Perhaps they ARE compatible faiths. For now, I will
reserve judgement on that which I don't understand until that time at
which I either accept it completely, or it pisses me off to a large
enough extreme to flush it.
Actually I have been ranting to this particular born-again for a
few sessions and she has been, quite literally, blown away with the
possibilities that I have put on the table before her. Confronted by a
True Yeti, most Xtians cringe and shudder at the amount of STRENUOUS
MENTAL LABOUR they must do if they wish to "Put their money where their
mouth is." My friend is jealous of my obviously over-zealous fanatacism
and reacts by strengthening her Belief that I AM WRONG.
I recognize this and amp up the onslaught to elicit this response from
her. The challenge pleases me. And the discussions we've had, the truths
we've pretended to and
the laughter that occurs between us as we berate this "Bob" or that Jesus
as a false path; friends...just feeling the temptation to convert from
SubGenius to Christianity, even for just a moment...Praise "Bob".
Dr. Joshua Ginsu
Subject: Re: Modemac's dangerous activities
From: email@example.com (Andrew J. Testa)
The entity known as Modemac (firstname.lastname@example.org) posted:
* As an operative in this cult's plan to infiltrate the Internet, I have
* been involved with the creation of a group that encourages sexual
* minorities to come together, thereby promoting "entheta" behavior -
* because, as L. Ron Hubbard says, homosexuality is an "aberrration"
* that is abnormal and must be "cleared." The name of this group, for
* anyone who wants to see for themselves, is
* soc.support.youth.gay-lesbian-bi. Horrors! I'm actually going after
* high school students with my enturbulation! Is there anyone on the
* Internet who will bebrave enough to bring me to justice?
* And perhaps I should mention my activities contributing to the spread
* of pornography across the Internet: I created a newsgroup called
* alt.biniares.multimedia.erotica. This newsgroup has become rather
* popular amongst sexual deviants, and disgusting, filthy, pornographic
* materals are posted there regularly, beyond the control of anyone
* (including me).
* How's that for a start?
When the saucers come, I'm gonna bust craniums to get in line for the
one carrying Modemac. This guy'll be fucking everything that move!
Even the machinery! Oh, man, pass the cheez-wiz, here I come. I can
see it now:
Xist: "That is enuff, hooman, the nav array is attention needing.
Modemac: <sweat flying as he robo-pumps the Xist's excre-hole> "SHUT
UP, you <pant> idiot, I'm <gasp> WORKING here!"
This SubG knows how to party.
Subject: Re: the Raelian Church
From: email@example.com (Matthew Carey)
In a previous article, firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark E. Smith) says:
>"Anything somebody throws out of a car window ought to be stuffed
>up their butt." -- Rick Reynolds
Tell that to Lorena Bobbit.
Rips on. Rev. Matthew A. Carey Rips off.
Vision Temple -- Tarzana, Calif.
"Words kill." Wilson/North '96 crunt
Sex Toys for TODAY!
From: email@example.com (David Lynch)
We live in a modern world, my friends. And in a modern world we need
modern food, modern clothes, but most importantly, modern fuck toys. I
just got this month's flyer from Spartacus, the world's largest fetish
dealer. This month, in addition to the latest in S&M and transvestite
stroke mags, they are offering The De-Luxe "TV Temptation" Transsexual
Doll! YES! The "TV Temptation features "A vibrating penis, big as life!",
a "solid head with winking eyes that say she\he wants you", "soft skin
you'll love to caress, ripe soft breasts, loving oral mouth", and a
"sexual anal hole that will suck you up"! Looks pretty lifelike, too. At
least, as far as I can tell from the pictures.
As you probably realize, this opens up a whole new world of
"specialty" fuck dolls. There are male and female dolls, transsexual
dolls, even sheep dolls, or so I've heard. Which means they can create
the most demanded fuck doll in human history... THE JESUS FUCK DOLL!!!
Yes, YOU can NAIL JESUS!Y he'He's helped many Christians overcome
loneliness before, now he can help YOU to get through the night.
Buff your rod with his long, flaxen hair! Play dice for his open-pud
panties! Ream his side with your long, rosy spear! Fur-lined stigmata
for EXTRA pleasure! Life-size vibrating penis! "Eat this in memory of me."
Comes w/ cross and crown of thorns for S&M fun. Satin Shroud of Turin and
cruciform dildo sold separately.
Hell, why stop there? How about a ripe, luscious, Buddha doll for
the size fetishists, or a Wotan doll for some REAL socket screwing? I
know, how about a L. Ron Hubbard doll for extra fun at your next audit?
Sprinkle flour around the nose for added realism! Maybe even a "Bob" doll
with an EXTRA DEEP PIPE, if you catch my drift...
Call now! Supplies are limited! Experience the Last Temptation TODAY!!!
"Scientology is my business and business is good"
Member, 1st Church of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard
Send $1 to: PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
Subject: Re: Quotes from supermodels
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (StimpyNRen)
> It's so that when you jack off to their Pinkness, you'll forever be
> reminded what you're actually DOING.
That does it. I've just sworn off jacking off to Sports Illustrated.
Well except for Kathy Ireland, and Elle MacPherson... Oh, and of course
Paulina Perestroika or whatever her name is. Oh hell! BOB FORGIVE FOR I
KNOW NOT WHAT I HAVE DONE! I HAVE SPILLED MY SEED UPON THE GROUND IN THE
NAME OF DECADENT PINKNESS! MAY IT RUIN ME THE REST OF MY SLACKLESS DAYS!!
Praise my wiener!!
Ah, the hell with it. Pass me a Hustler, will you? I gotta go to the
Slackfully Yours, Doktor Zachary Carleton
One and only New and Improved Official Clone for "Bob"
(Can clones jack off? I wonder...)
Church With the Obscenely Long Name
Subject: Re: Now Taking Orders!
From: email@example.com (Joe Newman)
>Thanks to you people, I've gotten NO orders for Gravity Pets. Well, that
>and the fact that the word has leaked out that they're nothing but
>ordinary stuffed animals that come with a manual instructing kids how to
>drop them on the ground...
>So, is anyone interested in our new product, the Hat Full Of Teeth?
Are the teeth mounted properly, or do they just fall out when you
put on the hat? This has been done before you know. Typically, the
hat is loaded with molars, bicuspids, incisors, and a smattering of
wisdom teeth. But the canines are always conspicuously absent. And
it doesn't take a fucking bat sperm scientist to figure out why. The
canines are saved for those "Snappin' Cat" action figures that always
come on the market around Halloween. Then there's the usual assorted
maimings and reports of satanic ritual abuse, and everyone forgets
about it for another year. Of course, you bastards at the toy company
are never held accountable.
I think anyone who manufactures toys should be forced to sleep with their
genitals and teat flesh inside of their own toys for a night, and if their
genitals are too big, they should be forced to make the toys bigger. I
would support legislation in this regard.
Masturbation laws passed on inmates: PLEASE READ!!
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ben Miller)
Date: Sat, 20 May 95
this is an article that we ran across in the birmingham news today. it is
reprinted sans permission, but verbatim, if you can believe that. it is quite
hideous, but hey, that's alabama for ya'!
"a former psychologist says the alabama corrections department's plan
to shame misbehaving inmates may backfire.
under a plan being implemented by the department of corrections,
inmates who habitually expose themselves to female guards will be forced to
wear hot-pink uniforms.
but psychology professor stan brodsky warn that might encourage masturba-
tors if their goal is to irritate female officers. brodsky worked at fort lea-
avenworth military prison in kansas before coming to the university of alabama.
"to show they are shocked is only an encouragement," he said. "if the
women officers don't react, i suspect it's a behavior that will diminish on
corrections officials said thursday that nothing else has worked, so the
department has ordered 50 of the garish outfits.
charlie bodiford, spokesman at holman prison in south alabama, said
masturbating inmates have been a problem ever since women began working inside
prisons three or four years ago. he estimated 20 or 30 holman inmates were
habitually creating the problem.
"it's a problem. we take disciplinary action, lock 'em up, and they go
right back down the hall and do it again," he said.
"we've even taken disposable cameras and taken a picture of them and
told them we were going to send it to their mothers. they don't care,"
prison administrators are hoping the sexually aggressive inmates will
be bothered when fellow prisoners see them being forced to wear pink pants
and shirts. the idea is being tried at holman and draper correctional
institute in elmore county. it will be expanded to other facilities if it
proves effective, according to the department of corrections.
plans for the uniforms were revealed just two weeks after alabama
became the first state to bring back chain gangs. that program was part of gov.
FOB JAMES' attempt to make prison so unpleasant no one will want to return.
a spokeswoman for an inmate advocacy group that criticized the chain
gangs was unsure of what to make of the pink uniforms, which officials plan
to begin using in about two weeks. they are being made in a prison shop.
"it may not be all that bad if it stops them," said jenni gainsborough of
the national prison project in washington."
i have been an alabamian my entire life, and up to this point, i labored
under the grand delusion that we were actually making progress in human
rights as a state. today, 19 may, 1995, that idea has been dashed to hell
and back. while this article may seem comical, which it is if you don't live
here, it is the most regressive piece of bullshit legislation i have ever
heard. this asshole governor served a term once before on the democratic
ticket in the late 70's/early 80's...but when he saw the shitstorm brewing
in the demo party last year, he jumped ship and headed for the rep light at
the end of the tunnel. he is one of the dumb/bigoted/mean spirited/ good ole
boy network assholes that somehow seems to embarrass the south every few
years...ie-david duke(la), newt gingrich(ga), jesse helms(nc), ad nauseam.
if you get arrested here for anything, just make sure you are packing 3 to 5
years worth of salt peter!
Sir Chan destroy
Vaginal Blood Farts
From: Sternodox <email@example.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 95
Rev. Sterno (Sin? No Thanks) Dox
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