Someon Emus (thaves@aidt.hefoll.owing.com) said...
> have an orgasm?
Orgasms? Orgasms are for the MEEK! An orgasm is what you should
experience to let the waitress know that you enjoyed your MEAL! The very
name says something about it--how does one have an ORgasm? "Well, there
are all sorts of orgasms... the screaming orgasm OR the shaking orgasm
OR the bloody orgasm OR the implosion of the eyesocket orgasm...."
Seek ye the ANDgasm! Be not content with having one OR the other OR
the other but only ALL at once and BEYOND! An ANDGASM is not merely a
"screaming AND shaking AND bloody AND implosive AND liquidifying AND
etc" 'gasm, it is DEATH AND REBIRTH ITSELF!!! In the weeks leading up
to an andgasm, your body is pushed not just to the limits of its frail
Yetinsyn form, but to the very metaphysical limits of existence itself!
As the andgasm rocks through you, the essence of not only your IDGE but
all the others that you have ever been near or not even CLOSE to is
transubstantiated through you in such force that it quite literally
KILLS YOU! Your Nental Ife is OoZucked through you and OUT of you--
grabbing and ripping along with it your last vestiges of mortality! You
feel the life SHHHRIPP through your body as though you were the mighty
steel sceptre of WOTAN himself, the Godpiss flowing through you and
searing you, painfully and excrutiatingly, but at the same time it
fulfills your need--it defines what you are: YOU ONLY EXIST TO
FACILITATE THIS FLOW OF GODFIRE! IT >IS< YOU! IT >MAKES< YOU! IT
>BECOMES< YOU! And this powerful realization, this REBIRTH, is the power
that RESURRECTS you. You find yourself being REBORN--nay, REINCARNATED,
a godzillion times over! You BECOME every man, woman, Yeti, and squid on
this planet! For just a moment, you KNOW what it is to be as a god, and
you FINALLY realize just why you'd never WANT to be one! Your feet
swell, your spine twists, and your head explodes, only to be seen
imploding back together and exploding again as if some cosmic entity
can't refrain from playing with the "seek" buttons on his UVCR control!
Ooooooooooh....
Eventually... unfortunately... it's all over. If your partner had an
andgasm, your Ives will be exchanging phone numbers and promising to
"keep in touch". If your partner didn't have one, s/h/it will be dead.
If you didn't have a partner, "Bob" himself may be there to congratulate
you, for that's a hard way to do it, and to offer his condolences that
you'll never walk again. You may find yourself slipping into a coma, or
you may suddenly have so much energy to blow off you find yourself in
Saskatchewan before your head clears (if it ever does)! It's all up to
your foot gland; after such an experience, IT is the only part of your
body qualified to make the decision of when you will be physically able
to do such difficult and tasking feats as walking, thinking, etc. Trust
it! After putting your body through the excrutiating profusion of an
andgasm, not only your foot gland, but your entire body will LOVE you!
Athletic prowess beyond your wildest dreams! Perfect balance! Climb onto
oil-soaked, marble-covered telephone lines in the middle of a hurricane
and PRACTICE CARTWHEELS! Levitation! Spontaneous combustion! All that
you've dreamed of and more, and you won't even notice, because your mind
will still be focused on that ANDGASM... that moment of such exquisite
prostration that is now forever burned into your mind. Oh lord... oh
man... oh SWEET JESUS will you remember that feeling. That's all that
you'll remember.... Your work performance will go straight to hell. At
this point, you won't even be able to HEAR. Your ears will be whispering
directly to your brain, "Oh lord... oh man... oh SWEET JESUS do you
remember that feeling? Oh, WE do... oh lord yes we do. We know we only
got the bare peripheral of it, but oh SWEET LORD MAN JESUS do we
remember that FEELING! PLEASE do it again! Oh PLEASE do it again!" The
HELL with your job! FUCK your job! You WANT this! You NEED this! Oh god,
where can I find a prairie squid? Why did my last partner have to die?
Hell... a light post, a gerbil, even an assistant manager would do right
now! Fuck, where ARE they? Maybe I could find them if my eyes didn't
keep turning around to plead with me... I'm TRYING to give you another
one! Why aren't you listening to me? Hell, I don't need my eyes! I don't
need a partner! I can do it myself... there... okay... wait... oh god...
I think... I think... oh... oh, OH SHIT! MY EYES! MY FACE! OH DEAR LORD
MY FACE! IT'S... IT'S ON FIRE! I'M BURNING! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THIS ISN'T
HOW IT WAS! THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! OH PLEASE "BOB" OH MAN
OH MAN PLEASE "BOB" PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT
STOPPPPPohfuk....
Of course, this will all seem like a pleasurable hiccup when we're
transformed to OverMen. Prepare yourself for the OMNIGASM... I don't
know how, but try to prepare yourself....
Reverend(1) Pee Kitty, Rantrash Collector(2) of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
(1) Okay, not QUITE yet, but I send the check in! I swear it! HOW LONG
DOES THE POST OFFICE HAVE TO X-RAY MY PACKAGE BEFORE SENDING IT IN?!? We
shouldn't send this kinda stuff through Conspiracy post offices...
(2) Okay, so I happen to subscribe to the theory, "If you can't find
something interesting, write it yourself!" Damn it, I'm just trying to
inform everyone...<sniff>...I didn't mean to stop traffic, officer, I
swear...
--
Meow!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: Orgasms are for the MEEK! *THE ANDGASM*
Pee Kitty, it was my mistake to peg you as RanTrash Collector (though you
do damn fine at it). You're obviously a boner fide RanTrash CREATOR and,
also, and too. A freath of bresh air to beholden. Carry on. And on.
Poingant, pertinent, clear, concise, grace and style with no streaking or
messy residue. Another name worthy to be written in the snows of the
Tibetian mountain tops. Seriously, that could be an insert page in one of
the books. Ask Stang for a "standard contract". Don't worry about the
'pound of flesh' clause. He won't keep it.
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
There are times on alt.slack when lighting a cigarette seems entirely
appropriate.
Pee Kitty...Sister Merry Latrina is knitting you one of her patented
"Holey Jock-straps"....it's squid lined...I think she likes you. Be
afraid.
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
My eyes watered up and I WEPT. It reminded me of my first beer. I CRIED
LIKE A BABY.
GREAT JOB. HERE HERE. Gives the kids something to strive for. Keeps 'em
off the streets. A little innocent experimentation never hurt anybody.
They SHOULD be teaching this stuff in SCHOOLS.
That goes in the Science section... Hall of Science ... you'll someday see
it there engraved in a huge iron plate.
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
Original file name: Orgasms are for the MEEK! *É
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