March 10th, 1944.
Well, "Bob" did it again; narrowly escaped death whilst bringing
that blessing to so many others. I got the letter today from Italy
explaining that he'd been making some deals in Eboli. The war was
creating incredible shortages, and I suggested that he'd make a bundle
if he could barter for fresh eggs, dairy products, and meat etc. then
take it to Naples to sell to the city folk. He took three hundred
cartons of cigarettes (Lucky Strikes, of course) to start the dealing.
Turns out he had to travel by train on a regular basis from Salerno to
Naples. Like many of the locals, he hitched a ride on the Balvano Ltd.
hanging onto the side or climbing on top of the cars. He tells me
there were regularly several hundred people who did this.
Well we know "Bob," and though I suspect that he left behind several
dozen dark-eyed future pipe-smokers, I KNOW he made friends with the
engineer and fireman on the train. Just outside Balvano, they stopped
to allow another train to make necessary maneuvers in the station.
"Bob" hopped off the flat car and walked up to the engine.
He says he offered them a pipeload of, "some stuff I'd been growing in
my apartment window." Well, they were waiting between two tunnels for
the "all clear" signal from up ahead, and got to smoking. During this
period, the lower 47 cars of the train were sitting in one of the
tunnels. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem. There was just
this one little thing. See, "Bob" had sold them some 3rd grade coal
because first quality was impossible to find. They were kissing his
ass up one side and down the other until they found out that the
substitute produced rather heavy volumes of carbon monoxide...
When the train started up again, "Bob" left the guys in the engine and
went back to the caboose to catch a nap.
Sooo, they get the all clear and move forward for about five miles.
Now this was a steep grade and the engine was loaded with extra cars
and almost 700 extra passengers(all sleeping peacefully at this time).
They entered the Galleria delle Armi, a tunnel almost a mile long. The
train stopped, slipped backward, pushing the last three cars into the
open air. When the train didn't move for two hours, "Bob" got bored
and walked back to Balvano. "I think you'd better go felch, er fetch
that train," he told them, "There's no one in shape to drive it."
They later tallied the deaths at over 600. I told him it was time to
go to Germany.
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
Back to document index
Original file name: Further excerpts from "The É
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.