A CONfusion of Corks and Boards

From: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com (SirWill1)

TarlaStar (bmyers@ionet.net) wrote:

: Sir Will, I was so excited after reading your post this morning
: that I ran out and disturbed the other sisters in the Sacred
: Sauna of Sallack! We here at the Convent of the Little Sisters of
: the Perpetually Juicy have been curious to know if our Pstench
: was making it through the aether and out to the faithful.
: Sometimes the mere peripheral vibrations from the pstench of a
: juicy UberFemme can cause an on-the-spot SubG conversion...or
: deversion, or diversion, or whatever...It'll make ya hornier than
: a four-peckered goat!

: At any rate, we immediately retired to the Holy Hottub of Sexhurt
: and sent out a grope...er group blessing on up to and including 8
: of your currently functioning penises. If you haven't got 8, then
: don't be surprised if things start getting a little crowded in
: your bvd's sometime soon...Sister Amy was sincerely moved by the
: spirit of "Connie" today. Her nipples were like jujubees! It was
: a religious experience for all of us. Ai ee Ai ee Ai eeee!

Hmmmmm, she might be a candidate for the position of Mitered Abbess of the
Convent at the Cathedral of CandorBury. I, along with my Bishops and
Abbots, am always seeking juicy female types with a penchant for a little
SexHurt. Well, actually even a penchant for a lot of SexHurt. Can her
nipples handle the Clamps of Candor? Can her wrists and arms survive
twenty-nine days and thirty nights in our Dungeon of Taut Slack? All
candidates wishing to become postulants may apply directly to me.

No postulant is ever held against her will. At the beginning of her test
she is given a secret word which she may utter once to obtain instant
release from her bondage. Those who stand up to the rigorous treatment
find themselves becoming even juicier by orders of magnitude as their
once "pink" flesh is progressively reddened to match the color of the
blood in her Yeti heart and veins.

Those who last through the test are rewarded with a special ceremony at
which I personally bestow upon them the rank of novice. This celebration
involves the oral ingestion of habanero chiles by the ArchBishop of
CandorBury himself who then bestows upon each initiate the hottest
genital kiss she has ever experienced.

Applications are now being accepted for our next bevy of pustulants, no,
I mean postulants, really I do.

Yours in Slack,

/ S'Will - SubGenius ArchBishop of CandorBury \
*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
* ObSig: SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com | ...and in the end *
* | the slack you take *
< Flying Saucer >> Flying Teacup >> Flying Teapot | is equal to >
* Tune in to pirate station radio.gnome.invisible | the slack you make *
* *
\ http://www.voicenet.com/voicenet/homepages/SirWill1/slack.html /


Subject: Re: A CONfusion of Corks and Boards
From: ricky@nerix.nerdc.ufl.edu (Anchovie Jesus)

In article <3l3shn$3h9@ionews.ionet.net>,
TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net> wrote:
: You boys have NO IDEA how sexist you are being

Oh yes we do!

: And one more thing, while I'm ranting here (completely under the
: control of my hormones). Why HASN'T the Con marketed a "beer for
: bitches" or something like that? Hmmmm? What's wrong with our
: money?

I would LOVE to see a commercial like :

<scene one> The Wellesley field hockey team scores the
winning point. All the girls hug each other
so strong as to lift the other girl off the
ground. Just like a typical male "jock" scene.

Large trophy being waved in background.

Girls look like Hillary Clinton.

<scene two> Same field hockey team girls celebrating at
the Golden Banana Lounge in a bad section of

Trophy on table

Girls have mugs of beer and they're shoving each
other on the shoulder like a bunch of drunk
male "jocks"

Chippendales dancing in the background

I'd love that.

But television doesn't want to promote the image of boisterous women.

Do you know that Plato was continuously proposing military service
for women? Yep. And women should exercise just like men after
the age of thirteen. Remember that Athena was a warrior-woman.


Subject: Re: A CONfusion of Corks and Boards
From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>

> From: ricky@nerix.nerdc.ufl.edu (Anchovie Jesus)
> I would LOVE to see a commercial like :
> I'd love that.

I'm sure you would, and I'm sure that it'd be even better if a
couple of the girls on the team ended up naked and somehow
covered in oil....but THAT WON'T APPEAL TO WOMEN
and that's just what I'm talking about.

> But television doesn't want to promote the image of boisterous

Nah..Roseanne isn't boisterous...neither is Murphy Brown.

> Do you know that Plato was continuously proposing military
>service for women? Yep. And women should exercise just like
>men after the age of thirteen. Remember that Athena was a

Do you know that you're addressing a female veteran and rugby
player?(But I was also a pompon girl, and in a sorority, so don't
go assuming nothing)

The way to appeal to women is not by having them do MAN things,
but to do WOMAN things. You don't show a bunch of unattractive,
women acting like men. We DON'T want to be that. You show women
doing things that are fun for women (not necessarily UberFemmes,
but women in general)

<scene 1> a shot of a bunch of women unloading their cars of
gifts and food, then walking toward a nicely appointed
upper middle-class house.

<scene 2> interior of house. It's a baby shower. Everyone is very
neatly dressed and polite.

<scene 3> one last woman arrives late, and flustered. She bursts
into the house with a large brown paper bag. The room is silent
for a second, then she pulls out a couple of sixers. The women
applaud, the beer is passed around, everyone starts jabbering at
each other and laughing, in the last shot, we see the guest of
honor, looking sadly at a frosty cool one, sighing deeply and
giving the finger to her protruding stomach.


From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>
Subject: Re: A CONfusion of Corks and Boards

I said:
> >Being a man would be so much simpler.

Dr. Lizardo countered:
> What do you mean? We have the same problem with male products.
> For example, "Budweiser:"

What do you mean MALE products? Budweiser can be used by either
sex...though the only use I can think of for a can of "Bud" is as
a buttplug. If I'm gonna drink beer, I want something that at
least resembles it.


From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)

Subject: Re: A CONfusion of Corks and Boards

TarlaStar (bmyers@ionet.net) wrote:
: Being a man would be so much simpler.

But then you would have to be SO MUCH STUPIDER! Didn't you ever
read that Eastern European Folktale about the day the husband and wife
switched roles, thinking it would be so much easier? Well to be a male
you have to PAY THROUGH THE BRAIN. I saw some Amazon (river) Indian
women on TV once who do ALL the work while the men spent the day shooting
blowguns at monkeys (no mean feat but not the same as grubbing for roots
with a dull stick etc.) who were asked if they thought the men ought to do
some of the work around the camp, and they LAUGHED AND LAUGHED, and said
are you kidding? we want it done RIGHT!

And that's why the "feminine hygiene" industry is so STUPID.
It's done by MEN.

Penis-pity victim NENSLO


From: TarlaStar <bmyers@ionet.net>

Subject: Re: A CONfusion of Corks and Boards

I suppose it's true...I would have to give up several IQ points
and jeopardize my genitalia with the vagaries of being exposed,
however I WOULD gain the right to scratch myself in public, hawk
up large wads of phlegm, and learn to recognize women by their
breasts instead of their faces. I'll think about it a bit longer
before I start making any calls to Sweden.


Back to document index

Original file name: corks.txt

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.