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The SubGenius Foundation announces an astounding breakthrough in Guerrilla Marketing!
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 1-888-669-2323
Chief Marketing Officer (214) 324-0993 (FAX)
The SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
Dallas, Texas-- The SubGenius Foundation is announcing to the public the dawn of a new era in product advertising that promises to turn the moldy and half-dead corporate ad agencies on their ears, with YOU, our customers, snatching all the money that falls out of those deep but far too conservative pockets! For too long your products, your company life-blood, have depended on traditional methods of product placement that range from the tired old media spots, which the public has long learned to ignore, to the downright embarassing arena of staged media events where even the sponsors are jaded. The truth is this: No one is seeing your product anymore! Your message is lost in a sea of media hype and consumer apathy while the traditional advertising agencies can only churn out the same old spots in the same old media.
The SubGenius Foundation can help.
We WILL get your product placed where no one has dared go before, yet is easily the most visible venue you could possibly hope for. We promise and can deliver a worldwide captive audience that cannot look away and will result in YOUR product being on the lips of every consumer who listens to radio, watches TV, reads a paper, or gossips at the office. We'll get your product placed center stage where everyone HAS to watch: Sensational random and senseless acts of violence and destruction. Just ask the first satisfied customer of The SubGenius Foundation: Nike footware and the Heaven's Gate account.
Shocked? The fact that you understand EXACTLY what we mean demonstrates the power of our techniques. When the world's eye was glued to the sketchy reporting of events unfolding in the Heaven's Gate cult "temple", what product was in their view? When photo after photo of shroud-draped bodies was plastered on TV, magazines, and newspapers, what company logo was prominently displayed? All over the world, in papers, on TV, on Usenet, the word was: "They were wearing Nikes!" THAT is what the public remembers. Not their dogma, not their names, not their faces, but the SHOES ON THEIR FEET! We at the SubGenius Foundation brought Nike that fame, and we can bring it to YOUR products as well.
How can we do this? By knowing the right people and by not being afraid to talk the bottom line. The originator of this gonzo marketing technique and mastermind behind the SubGenius Foundation, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, has this to say: "When disaster strikes, Everyone watches. News crews go live and the commercials get dumped. Special supplements are printed without an ad to be seen. Meanwhile, some punk with a rifle is getting all the attention. But...what if that punk was wearing a ratty old Tee shirt...with YOUR LOGO on it! Hell, you couldn't keep stock in a warehouse if you wanted to after that!"
And he's right. When two gunmen in California went on an bank robbing automatic weapon shooting spree, it was televised live. Scenes of their rampage and grisly deaths at the hands of lawmen were replayed for days afterwards all over the world. If you had paid money to advertise your products that day what kind of return did you get? How many potential customers even remembered your new jingle? NONE. However, if your corporate logo had been emblazoned on the front of their combat armor, you'd be sold out of stock right now. Those are the facts. And the SubGenius Foundation can bring that kind of recognition to YOU.
How can that possibly work? Simple. WE know the underworld. WE have the contacts. When terrorists are going to strike, WE'LL know it first. When Joe Public is about to snap and go on a shooting spree, WE'LL get to him first. When political or religious nutcases decide to kill themselves or their enemies, The SubGenius Foundation will make sure that they are wearing YOUR logo, drinking YOUR soda, and driving YOUR cars. When you open an account with us, we're on the lookout for destruction and will make the deal to push your product onto the imminent center stage. When your account goes active, we won't have to tell you. Your phone lines will be jammed with media attention and orders for product.
So call us now! Get into this high stakes and high return adrenalin rush while you can! As J.R. "Bob" Dobbs says, "The millenium is nigh upon us. Violence is the order of the day and king of the media. The Apocalypse WILL be televised, and its ratings will be unbeatable. Where will YOUR product be seen?"