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My fellow citizens, it is our great fortune that time and chance [and a lack of indictments] have put us on the edge of a moment that will define our course. [Besides the Paula Jones thing, I mean.]
Guided by the ancient vision of a promised land [which we stole, but heck, it was our vision], let us set our sights upon a land of new promise. [Chile, which I'm bringing into NAFTA, and there's not a bloody thing you can do about it.]
At the dawn of the 21st century, a free people must now shape the forces of the Information Age [provided AOL ever lets them connect again], and yes, form a more perfect union. [Just not a labor union.]
When last we gathered, our march to this new future seemed less certain than it does today. [But now that I've sold out completely, we're set for life. Your mileage may vary.]
Today we can declare government is not the problem. And government is not the solution. [Government is whatever Goldman Sachs and ARCO want it to be. ]
We need a new government for a new century, humble enough not to try to solve all our problems for us [I already tried that, and some Dittohead sprayed the White House with bullets], but strong enough to give us tools to solve problems ourselves. [Except automatic rifles. You understand.]
Each of us must assume responsibility not only for ourselves, but for our neighbors and our nation. [That's why I'm expanding the domestic surveillance budget.]
The divide of race has been America's constant curse. Prejudice cloaked in the pretense of political conviction torments the lives of millions all around the world. [And just look what it did to the Republican Party.]
We shall overcome them. [Hello there, black people. Gimme a hug. OK. Now piss off.]
Now we are building bonds [and sweatshops] with nations that once were our adversaries. Growing connections of commerce and culture [e.g. www.coca-cola.com] give us a chance to lift the fortunes of people [who are already rich] the world over.
Can we hope to surpass the achievements of the 20th century? [Can I beg Michael Beschloss to rank me alongside FDR and Truman?] Every American must answer a resounding "yes." [Or else. Remember the spy budget and the new federal death penalty.]
APPLAUSE
[Very good. You may rise.]
The promise we sought in a new land, we will find again in a land of new promise.
[What the hell just came out of my mouth?]
In this new land, our schools will have the highest standards in the world. [Never mind that this shindig here wasted $44 million -- enough to buy basic computer labs for ten percent of all the public high schools in America.]
Parents and children will have time, not only to work, but to read and play together. [They'll all be working side-by-side at McDonald's.]
We will maintain a strong defense against terror and destruction [unless you work in a black church or an abortion clinic].
Our land will be a nation where our grandparents [whose Social Security I'm gonna shove into Wall Street] have secure retirement and health care [at least until the market tumbles like Greg Louganis].
And in this land of new promise, the voice of the people will speak louder than the narrow interests. [Whoa, I better wrap. AT&T's reception starts in an hour, and I still gotta sign off with two dozen pens for each of my bankrollers.]
The American people returned to office a President of one party and a Congress of another. Surely they did not do this to advance the politics of petty bickering. [I'm perfectly willing to make nice with that lying, tax-evading, pot-smoking deadbeat dad Newt Gingrich.]
My fellow Americans, this is much to dare. [One more whopper and you'll hip to my whole scam.] The demands of our time are great. [I've got fourteen parties to hit tonight.]
May God strengthen our hands for the work ahead, and always bless our America. [Now let's duck this sack race, toss on the party clothes, and start the Inaugural Pub Crawl.]
___________________________
Bob Harris is a political humorist who has spoken at over 275 colleges nationwide. [The Scoop] is archived at www.goodthink.com. To hear [The Scoop] in spiffy RealAudio, visit www.webactive.com/webactive/yeah.
Original file name: THE SCOOP- Clinton's Speech
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