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OK everybody -- Democrats and Republicans -- let's all say a relieved farewell to "B-1" Bob Dornan, the brain-fevered extremist from Orange County, California.
You know the guy: bright red hair, scratchy voice, always on C-SPAN while you're channel-surfing -- the one reading strange tirades for hours in front of an empty House.
His mind is truly unique. According to Dornan, tourists watching Congress from the gallery are often spies; Vietnamese refugees really belong in Kuwait; and pro-choice men are just "looking for easy sex."
You'd swear somebody made this guy up as a parody of the right-wing fringe.
You want hypocrisy? Although he spews war metaphors and boasts about the Air Force, Dornan attended college to avoid Korea and spent Vietnam as a photographer. The closest he ever got to live fire was as a TV actor on Twelve O'Clock High.
You want stupid greed? Dornan earned his nickname in 1977, when Rockwell -- one of biggest players in Dornan's district -- won a contract to produce the B-1 bomber. Although it didn't work and wasn't necessary, Dornan insisted that failure to build a fleet of B-1s -- and line Rockwell's pockets, guaranteeing himself big contributions -- would lead to World War III. $25 billion later, the program was cancelled when one of the planes was wrecked in a collision with a pelican.
How's this for religious pandering? When caught in the House check-bouncing scandal, Dornan explained that he spent the money building a shrine to the Virgin Mary.
You want crazed personal behavior? B-1 is so "pro-family" that he carries a plastic fetus wherever he goes. Yet his wife has filed for divorce [four times], claiming spousal abuse severe enough she once even had to get a restraining order.
In 1985, Dornan also physically assaulted fellow Congressman Tom Downey, simply for not supporting the CIA's drug-dealing Contras.
Dornan's campaigns? Trailblazing sleaze.
In his first campaign, Dornan cast himself as the underdog, pointing out that his opponent was from Beverly Hills. [So is Dornan.]
In later campaigns, B-1 implied that Barry Goldwater's son enjoyed drugs and sex with animals (no kidding); linked another opponent to teenage hookers; and smeared all liberals by suggesting they win "by proclaiming you are a sodomite and engage in anal sex all the time."
Lincoln he ain't.
In 1992, facing his first female opponent, Dornan denounced her supporters as "lesbian spearchuckers."
That same year, B-1 masterminded the Bush campaign's goofy claim that young Bill Clinton met with KGB agents in Moscow. Evidence? Who needs evidence?
(By the way, historian Roger Morris has learned from several CIA sources that Clinton was actually informing on fellow students, probably as part of Operation Chaos.)
In May, 1993 -- [four months] into Clinton's term -- Dornan announced his candidacy for President in '96. Since then, B-1 has fought valiantly to save America from PBS, the NEA, and teachers' unions.
The result? In the California GOP primary, Dornan couldn't even carry his own district.
After eighteen years, Bob Dornan's legislative record is lamer than a Russian rocket to Mars. His biggest accomplishment? Naming December 5, 1986 as "Walt Disney Recognition Day."
That B-1 lasted this long is a major indictment of our political system. Even most Republicans are finally sick of the guy.
But while Dornan was eyeing the White House, Orange County changed. The land of Lockheed and Rockwell now sustains thousands of blue collar Latinos, most of them hard-working immigrants in the best American tradition.
Pending a recount -- Dornan's hollering accusations again -- it looks they'd rather be represented by Loretta Sanchez, B-1's worst nightmare: a liberal hispanic woman.
And a damn fine pelican.
As for Bob Dornan, he'll be OK. There's always talk radio.
[Post-script: At press time, Dornan has lost control again, this time at a fellow Republican who supported Sanchez: "You are a disgrace to your baptism! You are a poor excuse for a Marine! You are a pathetic senile old man! You are a slimy coward!"
Have some fun: practice those lines out loud, and imagine how insane with rage you would have to be to yell them at someone in public. Try it. Go ahead.
Then remember that Dornan wanted his finger on the nuclear button.]
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Bob Harris is a political humorist who has lectured at over 275 colleges nationwide.
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Original file name: THE SCOOP- Farewell Bob Dornan
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