Stang Report 6-9-BX


Just so you know that not every Sub is TOTALLY FUCKED right now... for I know that many are... in at least my own case, praise fucking god damned merciful "Bob," not to brag, but I have had...






I AM LISTENING TO THE GREAT NEW LAMPREY SYSTEMS CD! (via MP3 files posted to alt.binaries.slack ((

Did I mention that We/I successfully got MARRIED??

Did I mention that FRIDAY JONES made me FINGER A MONKEY'S BUTT for FIFTY BUCKS and some CANDY??


WEDDING PRESENTS. Let's cut to the quick. It has been a GUSHER of wedding presents. False Slack in its least false form. My dad built half a house's worth of furniture just by himself and hauled it up here in his truck. Every friend of Wei's Earth-Mom gave us a FANCY BOWL. I previously had no grasp of the RANGE of fancy bowl TYPES that are possible. I got the LAWN MOWER I prayed for. Princess Wei got a present TRULY fit for the Queen of All the UFOs, a SILVER SAUCER PEPPER GRINDER. W-BOB gave us a box of SACRED JAMS and JELLIES all made by "SLACK'S" in Wisconsin! DR. MISTER SISTER brought the MINIATURE Mister Sister, and HE left us his Mexican Sacred Weird FACE-PIPE!

And Friday Jones really did give us, among other things, a gorilla piggy bank STUFFED with candy, confetti, rubber vermin and cash, but stuffed in such a way that the lucky beneficiary had to "finger" its "butt" to pry out the goodies. The gorilla has an especially strange expression molded on its face permanently, an expression that looked appropriate only when I was giving it the rectal workout.

WE GOT SLACK!!! WE GOT MARRIED!! WE FINISHED MOVING! Our house kicks ass! Our friends kick each others' asses! This new software I just procured kicks Dame Inefficiency's lollygagging ass! The food stashed in the fridge kicks stomach ass! Lamprey System's new subtechno tunes kick eardrum ass! The pictures of the reception taken by anybody and everybody on the little disposable cameras that we set out in a basket, kick sentimentality's ass! These pitted prunes kick ass ass! And yet MY ass has gone practically UNKICKED for... for YEARS now, come to think of it! By Gobbs there MUST YET BE HOPE!!

I almost DREAD X-DAY!!!

BUT I shall wade forward naked into that unknown swamp of X-Day IV, with every bit as much faith and Love of Dobbs as I did in 1998. THAT time, I ended up knee deep in poo water, covered with tar and feathers, because THAT was the CON's idea of the year 1998, not the REAL 1998. BUT BY GOLLY GOBBS A GULLY GUSHIN', even that WASN'T ALL THAT BAD!! "The worst was wonderful." -- Brother Dave Gardner

AND, we kept THE HOUR OF SLACK cranking! There was a flood of new original stuff around Euclid Tavern devival time last month, and then for the last two shows I did revised recut remasterings of the ANCIENT but BELOVED shows of the distant past, Hours of Slack numbers 51 and 52, the "ANTI-DRUGS and ANTI-ANTI-DRUGS" specials.

Above all is the gigantic SLACK of becoming the AUTHORIZED consort of not only the hottest looking PRINCESS of all TARNATIA, but the most CREATIVE COOK on EARTH FARM ONE. No kidding, friends, I have been holding back about Princess Wei's cooking. She makes something different every night, and each dish is something ENTIRELY NEW TO THIS REALITY, something invented right there on the spot using the materials at hand -- NEVER the SAME THING TWICE, but always MMMM-MMM-good, SO good. And she LIKES to cook when she gets home from work. WON'T LET ME DO IT!! And SHE PUTS UP WITH MY CRAP!!! Can you imagine this, my fellow guys -- a girl who PUTS UP WITH YOUR CRAP!!! You'd put up with just about ANY kind of crap from a girl like that, right? I'm telling you, man, dude, homey, I have it MADE!!!

I have to admit, now, two weeks later, that I thought our wedding was as (*SNIFF*) BEEE-AY-YOO-tiful as everybody else did. And it was all Princess Wei's doing. And her mom's. The theater was their idea, the amazing food, the harp player, the cake covered with edible flowers, the antique tuxedo I wore and her dress, in fact she wrote most of the service. And then we were both so panicky that we screwed up things like getting the rings on, but even that was all "charming"-like because we're such a couple of human cartoons, and even the flubs seemed to "fit."

Right after the wedding ceremony, in the reception, and at the later parties and the housewarming, I got to experience the COMBINED presences of people I am now SO VERY VERY GLAD got combined. My KIDS and DAD hung out with EINSTEIN'S SECRET ORCHESTRA! FRIDAY JONES had conversations with Wei's mom, "MRS. DOE"! The Chameleon Club (Cleveland weirdos behind ACE) were thrown in with the Cleveland X-DAY veterans. (Don't be surprised if 9 months from now there's a "boom" of mutant brats being born around Northern Ohio.)

Wei and I especially thank the gentlemanly PATER NOSTRIL -- who has ALREADY reinfiltrated Brushwood, marking off the prime camping spaces for us, comrades -- for helping make both the wedding and the housewarming party so nearly nonhectic for us. And Jesus for being our Best Son of Man, and Jeff Rosenbaum of ACE for introducing me to the weirdoes of Northern Ohio in the first place.

And THANK DOBBS!!! It was that man DOBBS, it was HIS SMILING FACE that set EVERYTHING in motion. We're not living POEBUCKER style, NO MORE!! We are PROPERTY OWNERS!! LANDLORDS, PRAISE DOBBS!!! That yard out there encompasses the STANG KINGDOM and PRINCESS WEI'S DOMAIN! We were able to sleep SEVEN PEOPLE comfortably in our new place! SEVEN!! Well, one had to sleep on a cot next to "Bob" in the basement, where tiny clots of spider droppings fall on your face if anyone walks across the floor overhead. But we can arrange for clot netting next time. It is a veritable CASTLE!! By comparison. A SubGenius castle isn't necessarily all that BIG or FANCY, what makes it a castle is who it BELONGS to, and in this particular case, heck, I may be one of those tin cup despots, a little tin star vigilante, a poor ConMan of Oz, but my new WIFEY happens to be an actual, real, unquestioned, blue blood SPACE PRINCESS.

AAhhhhhh. AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhh. What a relief. We loaded up our truck and we moved to Beverleeeee.

And so, back to the Good Work on the Nameless Mission. "Onward through the fog!"

I feel like Legume did when he got married, though. I have lost my Hate. Well, I still have my Hate, of course, but it's abstracted, because my own immediate situation is so Slackful now. Luckily for the Foundation business, however, I have been "stockpiling" Hate for YEARS. Not just my Hate, but the Hate of HUNDREDS of SubGenii. I even have some unused Pure Unadulterated Hate of my own left over from when I was a teenager, which hasn't been opened in THIRTY TWO YEARS!!! Indeed, keeping all this Hate bottled up in storage for so long has fermented it to the point of bursting, and it is EXTREMELY ripe for reissuing.

So, I am going to continue tearing through old audio work, some of our collective best yet least-heard stuff, simultaneously making it worth buying again, so as to raise money for PRINTING, and preserving those elaborate mixing jobs outside of crumbling old magnetic tape. I have more of those "Best of ESO/SubGenius" compilations in the kiln too. Also I intend to reload older print material, like bits from the early 120-page newsprint Stark Fists that only Ministers from the '80s ever saw. There are a couple of small publishers who are interested in that. (Big Conspiracy media companies and The SubGenius Foundation have pretty much HAD it with each other, apparently. Otherwise you'd have seen a full color coffee table book called "The Internet Art of the SubGenius", and IMBJR and LeMur would be getting PAID!) There is unfortunately no $$ up front from small publishers, so those projects tend to drift towards the back burners as paying day jobs present themselves. My other problem is that I have to do this rerun-oriented work in between production of NEW CRAP, which never stops, seeing as how we have 4X-Day coming up, then Starwood, then Burning Man, and one of these days I will wade into the text editing required for another "Online Fist," i.e., another "Best of alt.slack and alt.binaries.slack."

Let's look at my to-do list(s)!

Call Mammy (done)
Dub 2nd Binny tape 4 Crawford, A-dam HoS CD (done)
Check XM Satellite Radio website
Look into better way of doing CD labels w/ templates in Photoshop
ART for 4X-Day t-shirt
Set up old Macs, can they run cheap CD burners??
Get power of attorney re: van registration , get Ohio plates before luck runs out
Xfer key SubG video bits (X-Day collage from X-98, MTV ad) to digital for Final Cut Pro experimentation
Upgrade to Syst. 9.1, try Final Cut Pro 2
Copy sound from Amsterdam II video to disk for HoS
Make X-Day HoS specials
Finish THREE FISTED TALES, HIGH WEIRDNESS reprint covers, and contracts
Blood Sugar Test (don't eat)
Find $$ to print Chris Li's FIST layout, do revisions
Scan Amsterdam snapshots, misc. scannables
Totally revise SubSITE from top to bottom.
Ad for XXX-Day MP3 set in scatalog (done)
Break down digital transfers of BAD DRS, MEDIA BARRAGE 11, MEDIA BARRAGE 5 for CD versions
Finalize BOBSONGS 3 collection (needs Little Fyodor's "Bob" song)
Edit headers, delete repeats in a.s. texts for Online Fist
Fix Art Mines link prob
Write SubGenius movie treatment
Answer email from last 4 months

I should feel overwhelmed like I always used to, but back then, I didn't really BELIEVE "Bob" when he said that ONE TRUE THING that he said, that ONE TRUE RULE TO LIVE BY:


Slack comes first, so, I shall sign off here and, rather then do ANY of the above, I am going to ((FILL IN THE BLANK))

***** days later

Went to see that movie "Memento"! It's GREAT!! I would highly recommend it to ANYBODY. Maybe not the kids. Actually, come to think of it, Mr. Sister's kid might be the ONLY SubGenius who would truly understand it. My cousin Rev. Crawford had recommended it, though he said "Don't go stoned." See, not only is this film about the struggle of a man who has NO short term memory to avenge his wife's murder, and told from his point of view, but above and beyond all THAT, it's told BACKWARDS, or rather in chunks of plot, arranged in backwards chronology. This gimmick, which probably sounds pretty annoying to you, is actually very cleverly employed, and though I hate brain teasers for reasons that are probably all too obvious, I found myself pulled into the game, assembling a jigsaw puzzle in my head as the movie progressed. Since I have almost as poor a memory as the hero of the movie, this was DAMNED hard work.

The memoryless protagonist gets along by using an elaborate system of notes, Polaroids, and, for really important reminders, tattoos. Therefore, I identified with him completely. That's how I get by. My memory is still good enough that I remember all the really important things, so I don't require the tattoo on my chest that says "FIND MONEY AND GET IT", but everyone who knows me has seen the little folded pieces of typing paper that I use like miniature brain-memory books. Any reminders not scratched out by the time the paper is filled are transferred to a new sheet of paper, reprioritized in the process. If enough time passes, many once important things no longer need to be done at all! I love that particular form of Slack Magic.

I do not depend on computers or palm pilots for supplemental memory. I trust them even less than I trust myself. I keep elaborate back-ups of everything I do on my computer, scattered around geographically so that if one place is nuked there are still digital copies of everything in less "ground zero" places. But for everyday things like NOT losing car keys and NOT forgetting to buy food, or breathe, I depend either on paper notes -- ALWAYS kept in the same pocket, and I ONLY wear clothes with those pockets -- or on ingrained habits that I force-trained myself. Like never leaving any place without looking around carefully to see if there's anything I'm forgetting, which there ALWAYS is.

The single most important thing for the memoryless to remember is that they have a memory problem. If they can just remember THAT, ALWAYS, they are halfway to full functionality. So I keep this "security program" running in my head as much as possible, a sort of auto-back-up whereby, every 5 minutes or so, unless I forget for a few hours, I check my notes to see if I'm doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, or if instead I have gotten off on a senseless tangent. Generally, if I was aware enough to remember to check, then I WASN'T doing the right thing, because when I'm immersed "on task" as they say, all time evaporates and many hours can go by without me reminding myself to check and see if I'm still on the right task. That's an even more absent minded state for me to be in, but it's worth it, because I work ten times faster than normal human speed once I finally attain that level of concentration. It's just sad that sometimes when I come out of it, I have done a triumphant job at something that didn't really need doing. The rest of the time, in what's termed "normal" consciousness, I'm as dumb as any human, essentially just sleepwalking on autopilot through trivial chores. Many of which are, unfortunately, on the list, and require doing, even though a chimpanzee could do most of it, and probably does, in some countries.

I make my robot slaves do as much as possible, so that I may in turn be freed up to serve, wait on and pamper the Princess. My best robot slave is a G4 Macintosh with a bunch of drives and burners and lesser Macintoshes enslaved to IT.

Why am I kidding myself? *I* am *ITS* slave. You know what I'm really LOOKING FORWARD to for tonight? What I'm REALLY EXCITED about doing, tonight? UPGRADING from System 9.04 to 9.1. WHOOP TE FUCKIN' DO, right? But you see, this slight change will allow the new versions of a couple of fancy schmancy programs to work for me, and these programs are like a RETURN TO PELLUCIDAR for me, because they're VIDEO EDITING and EFFECTS programs (Final Cut Pro et al), and I used to be a FILM EDITOR, and sort of video producer/editing-overseer. I was never the guy that ran the video editing machines, or even the audio mixing machines, I was the guy who told those guys what to do on the machines. (Only because the directors I worked for were mostly too Pinky Winky to make their own decisions -- all those business films were really entirely done by the pot smoking writer, the pot smoking cameraman, and me the 'frop-upcrunting post production supervisor.)

The last time I really had my film maker hat on, though, was the MTV-SubGenius ad-video. We sell several X-Day videos that I cut on VERY primitive home Video 8 pause-button gear, and helped shoot, but those I consider more as home movies with the boring shit removed. BUT I HAD BEEN THINKING... what if some whiz kid like my son helped me completely revise ARISE and the X-Day footage, and parts of other "underground movies," recompressing it all and jazzing it up with cheesy '01 effects (as opposed to the cheesy 1986 effects you see in ARISE)... but now, see, I don't have to depend on the brat to help, I have discovered that despite my incredibly advanced age, I can work these proggies, no prob.

This all started because our wedding was shot on a Sony digital video camera that belongs to ACE. But somebody had lost the proprietary cable that lets you dub a plain video signal to a VCR. We couldn't look at it on a TV. We REALLY wanted to see it. The instructions described some kind of "iVideo" or iDub" or some such thing, a special cable for going from camera to computer. My SON finally clued me in that this was Sony's term for "Firewire," a term that Apple won't let anyone else use, or something like that. Well, I HAD me a damn Firewire cable. I had never had anything to CONNECT it to, though. Well by gobbs I plugged that camera right into old Muleskinner II's fire-butt.

But then I learned that Apple Video Player was not the thing to use to import that video with anymore. So I downloaded the newer Apple video editing program for children and humans, "iMovie." (Sometimes I would like to iFuck these iNames.) MY GOD MAN, it WORKED!! Not only did it work, it worked for REAL. Back on my old 7500 Mac, Muleskinner I, I could only import teeny bits of video, with dropped frames, and I could only view it and work with it "Internet style," that is, as those teeny little compressed Quicktime videos you see on websites, crappy looking RealVideo and the like. Suddenly, on the new deck, with the donated 20 gig second hard drive, I can work with FULL RESOLUTION sound and video!!

DUH, you say. Of course my SON had already been doing so, SLICKLY, for a couple of years! But I am still giddy as a tittering little schoolgirl in Shirley Temple make-up, simply from the fact that I can produce audio digitally for HOUR OF SLACK.

Anyway, although I had started out just wanting to be able to view the DV of my wedding that a friend had shot, I ended up throwing together a 4 minute edit of the Wedding Best Moments complete with spiffy transitions and titles. Which took about an hour. I bumped that back to the DV tape in the camera and then, when we finally located a cable for it, to the VCR, and I was able to send my Mom an EDITED HOME VIDEO, just like EVERY PINK TWENTY-SOMETHING has been doing for the lst couple of years!

I always end up having to catch up to shit real fast after ignoring the film business, or what the film business has now turned into, in order to fiddle with other aspects of life and biz. BUT I DIG IT!!!!

And for the last 2 weeks before the world ends on 4X-Day, I'll have CABLE MODEM SERVICE!! I'm hoping that'll help make the jump from 56k modem to MWOWM less shocking. We'll be able to email OURSELVES to each other in about 3 weeks.

Oh, and, just a reminder, folks, for when you're aboard your Escape Vessel:

Skinjobs are people too.

I dunno, I just thought I'd mention that. I'm afraid some Subs will treat their skinjobs like they would Pinks. But you have to remember, though your new slaves may look like humans, they're really more intelligent and yet only a few hours or days old, and are thus quite innocent. In fact, they'll pretty much be your creations, really -- so save your cruelty for REAL Pinks, and treat the inhabitants of your new planet as you would simple children in need of guidance.


I will try to answer the stacked up 4 months' worth of email before 4X-Day, but if I don't, I'll have the MWOWM-ME take care of it all shortly after the Rupture. Basically, if you sent me something, I DID get it, I DID read/hear/view it, and I DID put it in the right place for it to be used when the using time comes. But I only had time to do THAT much because I didn't stop to actually REPLY to it and butter you up properly. If I had had a PROBLEM with it, THEN you would have heard from me. But I must not have had a problem with anything lately because I haven't sent off any email in a long time.

Philo & Sphinx Drummond, G. Gordon Gordon, Jesus, Magdalen and I will be there early. See you there. Or, to quote our fallen comrade, if I don't see you no more in this world, I'll meet you on the next one, and don't be late.

pic by "Christa"



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