In article <9IoYzcEbldeV092yn@YGRI.net>, firstname.lastname@example.org wrote:
> email@example.com (IrRev. Friday Jones) sent bitwaves which read:
> }Every SubGenius should do as s/he/it feels like doing - partying alone in
> }the orgone chamber, nude in the dew at Brushwood, dancing in the hot sands
> }of Dallas - what does it matter? THE SAUCERS ARE COMING!
> BLASPHEMY. Which is, of course, why you are one of the Most Beloved of
> Dobbs Or At Least His Fillet Minions.
Actually I think Dobbs was thinking the DONATIONS more than the blasphemy.
And possibly the alabaster TITS of the good sister Friday. That's what I
was thinking of. And her extremely USEFUL SubSITE art of buttons and knobs.
Friday is good with knobs. Only G. Gordon Gordon has donated more money to
the Church. But his tits are sagging. If one were to nitpick about it,
SOMEONE ELSE OWNS the entire Church (INCLUDING the SOULS of ALL THE
MEMBERS!!)... she and Connie, technically. And their tits are fine. I could
probably CLAIM to have made "donations" in the past, but it really falls
more into the category of just plain LOSING MONEY and so doesn't count, in
fact would be shameful in Dobbs eyes, were Dobbs capable of shame. My
tits... man, I don't even want to THINK about MY tits and I'm sure you
> However, if such were the case, WHY THE DRILLS?
The Drills are mainly just an excuse to have a big party, and rope in more
Members before X-Day. I get to record lots of good Hour of Slack
inspirational material and shoot very very weird home movies of very...
interesting... people. The new, raw, unseasoned preachers get to practice.
Frank Barney and the Brushwood staff get a great vacation from the stodgy
Pagans. But Drills are also TRAINING for the SubGenii in "HOW TO BE AWAKE
AT 7 A.M.", something that many of our fellows need PRACTICE in.
I need practice too. Practice on not losing it. Only someone else knew how
bad it was, but Saturday night at the last Drill, from about 3 am to 5 am,
I was freaking out with Convention Host Syndrome, suffering from exhaustion
and not nearly enough drugs. I stayed away from everybody and paced around,
cussing to myself. Finally I got into "bed" and vibrated fitfully for
awhile and it wore off by 7 am, when I had to do... something.
Every Con Host gets Convention Host Syndrome, and it's a BITCH. I had hoped
to avoid it but... I guess it just goes with the territory. It MAY go
specifically with the territory of Sacred Scribe of this particular Church.
MANY ARE THE SUBGENII who have come up to me after their first hour or two
around A WHOLE LOT OF THEIR FELLOW SUBGENII, for instance their first
devival or Drill or con, and say, "Stang? I just want to ask you ONE THING.
HOW DO YOU STAND IT???" And well, that's what Dobbs pays me for, I guess.
In other words, I am not the only SubGenius who is crazy as a bessy bug.
They are ALL crazy as bessy-bugs. I just have to deal with more of them at
ONCE than anybody else, except possibly Jesus and Will O'Dobbs, and someone
else, who have also been on the "surrounded by SubGeniuses" train.
I will admit that I do freak out sometimes. I am not making excuses, I'm
just warning you. Some people have to inform you that they are epileptics,
or that they are in a wheelchair or whatnot. I have to inform people that
in certain conditions I am likely to turn into a monster, but that it will
be temporary. I should have a little card made up. "This person MAY BE AN
ASSHOLE. If he is, avoid him. Do not offer him a cigaret. Give him coffee
if you have any. Be careful; he WILL bite. Report his condition to
Speaking of both of which, it looks like our new domain names,
firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com, ARE now working. In theory,
soon I'll be able to Timbuktu into a Mac in North Carolina and set up that
domain name for anybody's email account. Jesus and I are still using
metronet.com, physically; I mean, email to us does not sit on that Mac in
North Carolina, it is merely bounced THROUGH that Mac and thence to Texas
Metronet's frequently-busted machine over to Fort Worth way. (However, I
can now switch to onramp or airmail or eyeball or com.com are anything, but
my email address will always be the same.) Likewise, if you bought a
subgenius.com "vanity plate," which is essentially what this is, you would
still be connecting through your local access company... firstname.lastname@example.org
would simply be an alternate address but it would still be your same
If you changed servers all the time, we'd constantly have to reshuffle your
subgenius.com thingie, which would be a pain in the ass, which is one
reason we'll charge for this service. Another reason is that we're now
paying a monthly fee for all this.
I don't know JACK SHIT about servers! I guess I'm gonna have to learn real
quick. McConville says to get me a Timbuktu (Mac program) and connect and
just start feeling it out. Apparently we can run majordomos and all like
that... auto-mailings, etc. etc. In theory we could have done that anyway,
I guess. But now we own the damn gizmos.... this is all part of our web
move from our charity home at SUNSite to a commercial server. We have
ordered a Sun Spark workstation(?? -- I don't even know what the heck it
is, McConville ordered it) and pretty soon, all the 6,000 "some-odd" files
of SubSITE will be copied over to there, all 700 mb, and that'll be
I guess I better buy that book on web servers. Heck, McConville WROTE part
of it (the VRML stuff). And meanwhile Steve Jackson is gonna suddenly dump
a load of script on me and I better be ready with ART GA-FUCKING-LORE!!
I cannot believe that I am learning about SERVERS. And 3D graphics. (I'm in
the manual reading phase.) Never would have imagined getting so totally
computer-geeky. It would be WEIRD except that it seems perfectly natural.
The other day I sort of "woke up" and really "SAW" the room I was in, for a
change. It's probably just like many of yours. Come to think of it, most
single guys I know, their whole PLACES look like my office. It's like this
vortex of jumbled beat up old media machines and wires, all converging into
some plugs on the back of this now-outdated 7500 "Power" Mac. EVERYTHING
goes into that now, it seems. I had to double my storage space and I know
full well that $130 JAZ disk is only a STOPGAP MEASURE. Yesterday I
permanently converted my broken video camera into a "poor man's scanner" or
copy-stand arrangement so I can start shooting art and photos. We have some
TRULY inexplicable photos in our Sacred Snapshots box. And Jesus says
somebody says they're donating an old B&W scanner? Cuhl. People have
volunteered to scan stuff for us but... I have become nervous about giving
out art originals. I had to give the ORIGINAL DOBBSHEAD IMAGE to John Zero
to scan... knowing that thing wasn't safe in its vault here, I could hardly
sleep, I had such anxiety. IMAGINE!!! The ORIGINAL Dobbshead. The one that
ALL the others are copied from. We got it back safe, and now it's in "FIRST
GENERATION" form at the Art Mines of SubSITE, but for awhile there... ugh.
It was like Linus not having his security blanket.
Mac users with Timbuktu, uh, well, huh.
Talk about a fucking NERD!! It's SATURDAY NIGHT -- and what am I doing?
Sitting here on the INTERNET looking at a damn SUBGENIUS NEWSGROUP!! Jesus
and his girlfriend Demonica, and someone else, they all went out
bar-hopping or art-looking or something. But not grumpy old spoilsport, old
nasty irrascible mean old scoundrelly muttering Rev.Stang! Nosir. Well,
that's the way weekends are for preachers! MONDAY is really the preacher's
day off, sort of like museums. Dobbs knows I could use a break. This Church
multimedia thang is actually a PRETTY DEMANDING JOB! I've already managed
to lock myself into monstrous routine... well I guess it beats working for
the Man. But... I'm just working for The Other Man. I like him BETTER than
the Man, and it's Slack work, but it's still WORK, if you understand the
Jesus told me from the start that He was always gonna take Sundays off,
lest He go crazy like me. Although come to think of it... He did work
today, Saturday. He and Nickie filled orders like crazy. There was a
serious shortage of CRUX Dobbswear, the orders had stacked up, and shipment
finally came in... so anybody who was waiting for a t-shirt or mug, I saw
about 4 boxes of that stuff ready to mail, over at the Factory.
The Foundation is truly insidious. It keeps sucking in new people. Our
latest part time employee, Sister Felia, didn't know or care a damn thing
about the Church before she started doing mindless labor for Jesus; she's a
first grade schoolteacher who works with my wife and was looking for a
moonlighting job! This innocent women had NO CONNECTION TO DOBBS AT ALL and
now she's one of his slaves in that sweatshop.
Those other people -- they can LEAVE though. Jesus cannot leave, and I
cannot leave. I don't "get off work" and "go home." I'm always AT work.
Period. And poor Jesus -- His office is starting to look just like mine --
with pictures of THAT FACE, EVERYWHERE YOU TURN. And GOUTS OF BLOOD all
over the CARPET. Oh, wait, no, that's only at MY office.
I expected Jesus to do more carpentry, but in this incarnation, He is more
of a stonemason. On Sundays lately, while I preach, he works in the
Foundation's GARDENS on the damn MASONRY! We have all these LARGE FLAT
WHITE ROCKS, with which someone else has her men build pathways and walls
around her organic Yeti garden. (There are big piles of dead Tibetan
holyman fertilizer and Yeti shi, laying around... she's going the
distance!) Anyway the Lord likes to sit out there, chipping and levelling
those large flat white stones. He sits there happily chipping away, in
childlike simplicity. And He really did actually join The Stonecutters, you
know. He has to go to secret Stonecutters rituals and all that stuff, wear
the little apron and everything.
I have the strangest gig coming up... really unexpected, and short notice,
and... weird. Rutgers University in New Jersey next Saturday. A panel and I
GUESS a lecture/devival? hosted by... now get ready for this... THE ROCKY
HORROR PICTURE SHOW CLUB of RUTGERS.
I shall try to go into this with an OPEN MIND.
That will be a challenge. I not a very Rocky Horror Picture Show kind of
guy, myself. I have had... bad experiences with Rocky Horror Picture Show
However, they certainly have excellent taste in SPEAKERS!! And they PAY my
MODEST HUMBLE FEE! And it's just one day. Although... those one day
preaching jobs... they're really 3 day preaching jobs, when you count the
packing and unpacking, travelling, etc. I don't just haul me, some tapes
and a preachin' Book. I have to haul 3 suicases holding 70 pounds of swag,
each (the airlines' limit). Now I'm not GRIPING. But do you have any idea
how EXHAUSTING it is to be POLITE at the SALES TABLE? When you're a MEAN
HATEFUL BASTARD? PLUS they expect you to be FUNNY. In fact they PAY you to
be FUNNY but INSIGHTFUL or something. Luckily, I can now recite SubG 101 in
my sleep, what they're paying for is in the can, I could probably do it on
drugs, not that I would ever want to. That's the problem...
It's living up to the LEGEND that's so tiring. I mean these kids, they're
expecting some kind of crazy pill-popping literary nutcase outlaw geek
weirdo, right? That is SUPPOSED to get off the plane drunk, and try to bed
all the student girls, and throw his drinks in the rich patron's face, and
toss TV sets through windows, and all like that. SO OF COURSE I (sigh) try
to live up to their expectations. But faking it just WEARS on a fella. HANK
would have understood. Probably all Hank Williams really wanted to do was
sit at home reading cheesy sci fi books and fiddling around on the Web. Do
you think I LIKE having this ridiculous long hair? It's a HUGE HASSLE. But
it goes with the territory. The grey streaks aren't real. I tint those gray
streaks. It's because in my job, my pay is directly based on greyness and
craziness of hair. It's a damn job uniform. You think I LIKE having all
these wives? It's just for the p.r. I don't actually sleep with ANY of
those women. I really could not care less. The pounds and pounds of 'frop?
I didn't inhale. The surgery? That was all from a childhood accident,
didn't have a damned thing to do with Apprentice Overmanship. The dicks?
Half of them aren't bigger than your finger. The godawful temper and fits
of madness? ACTING. Scripted. Jesus schedules those, actually.
However, no, I will not step down and let some EAGER YOUNG FOOL step in,
because I am TOO MEAN!!!
Another thing about the Drills -- you get to FINALLY SEE what your fellow
SubGenii are like when they aren't JUST TEXT but are standing there right
in front of you. It is frequently a SHOCK. I am extremely familiar the
syndrome from the previous 20 years of snail mail Church biz. The text
personality and the spoken personality... sometimes they are OPPOSITES!!!
Other times they MATCH EXACTLY. Some you KNOW must be ALIENS, REPLICANTS or
SOMETHING NOT FULLY HUMAN OR SUBGENIUS! Some of them are so SHY that the
whole weekend goes by and you're back home before you realize that that
lurking sulking silent person who wouldn't talk was Rev.
SUCHANDSUCH@THERE.COM, the life of the party on alt.slack! And that that
HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, charming, hale fellow well met, the one you REALLY
liked, was THE SAME ENTITY as "Rev. SO&SO," who would seem from his email
to be BARELY LITERATE and VERY POSSIBLY RETARDED. You will be terribly
disappointed that Pastor Craig isn't anywhere NEAR as ugly as you'd hoped
he'd be. You will be terribly relived to see that they DON'T all look
alike, after all, though some of them look, physically, quite normal.
The newsgroup will NEVER be the same for you after that. I don't mean this
in a BAD way. Alt.slack will take on a whole new DIMENSION.... many things
will make a lot more sense. You will have seen the men behind the curtain.
They are not BAD men, really, just very bad wizards. (Some of them are not
men but women.) Don't get me wrong. I LIKE most of the SubGeniuses I meet.
I really do. The best folks I've known in my incredibly long, tedious and
arduous life, I met through the Church. But... they're INTENSE PEOPLE. A
little of SubGenius goes a LONG WAY. You know how our video, ARISE, is
like being hit in the head with a hammer for 80 minutes, and how all our
reading material and tapes give you a headache? Well, imagine that going on
for 72 hours straight, from all directions at once. Imagine... THE PLANET
OF THE JANORS. Imagine a Janor Device with NO OFF SWITCH, and you CAN'T RUN
Speaking of Bad Wizards...
You'll DROWN in the WINKING LIZARD!!
at the X Day Drill 97
Winking Lizard Official Barbecue Sauce of the X Day Drill
But about those SubGeniuses. Really. Think about it. What "sort" of person
would this attract? The answer is, just what you'd think -- ALL KINDS, from
the best to the worst, but almost ALL ECCENTRIC in some way or another.
Hell, they're SUbGENIUSES!!! We aren't even really HUMAN! So yeah, you run
into the most PAINFULLY, EMBARRASSINGLY LAME, NERDY TWEEBY BAD-PUN-SPEWING
OBNOXIOUS PRISSY EGOMANIACAL BLABBERMOUTHs, and you run into THE coolest,
most alert, on-top-of-it, imaginative, well spoken, fucking HILARIOUS,
healthy looking, robust, spirited, passionate, incredibly talented,
Slack-filled, sexy, thank-Dobbs-you-met-'em, FRIENDS-FOR-LIFE -- and in
many cases, like MINE, you get BOTH, alternating cyclically.
Speaking of egomaniac cult leaders -- that shit about L. Ron that Anonymous
posted, and the Scientology vs. homosexuals bizness -- WHEW!!! That is
scary and sad and horrible. Where did we go wrong. We could have YACHTS by
now, like THOSE fucked up weirdos have. It's because L. Ron didn't crack a
SMILE while he was spewing his poisonous evil. We gotta get serious or
we're never gonna catch up to them. I guess I should see this as a license
for me to be even more of an asshole. I mean... that guy sounds like a REAL
asshole. I am a piddling half assed asshole compared to L. Ron Hubbard. But
then, I'm not really the L.Ron of this cult anyway, I'm more like the CEO
of the cult's corporate p.r. branch, who is in an L.A. ad office, not out
on the yachts with the Sea Org, and never talks to the crazy old man.
Dobbs is the L.Ron Hubbard of our cult, and from what I can tell there's
just no comparison. None. Apples and h-bombs. And the funny thing is, Dobbs
and Hubbard were old buddies for awhile there, right after the O.T.O.
murders and Parsons and all that mess.
Copyright 1997 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack
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