I, STANG, AM NOT IN DALLAS ANY MORE. I will be on the road until Nov. 7. I am going to have my email shut down for the duration. Don't send anything.
If you SENT any email here between Oct. 16 and 18, I NEVER GOT IT. "SOMEBODY" (ahem!) clogged my "mailbox" at Metronet and I didn't discover that until this morning. After we finally got that fixed, my computer started acting PERMANENTLY CRASHED -- it wasn't, but it sure acted weird for a couple of restarts there. I FINALLY got to sit down and write my new canned Stang rant, something I'd hoped to spend a whole WEEK on, and when I got it done at 1 am, I found that my TONER had chosen JUST THEN to RUN DRY. And I have 36 hours to pack, ship the merchandise ahead, rebuild the Hour of Slack web page, pay bills, say a brief hellogoodbye to my family, and oh yeah, sleep.
I know this GWAR tour is going to go fabulously, because every single second for the last 2 weeks leading up to now has been pure unrelenting hell.
Even though I'm still going to have to edit my script, AND re-edit the background videos, AND buy shoes AND the props in Cleveland, BY GOBBS I'LL SURE AS HELL BE GLAD TO GET AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING MACHINE and the PHONE CALLS and the NONSTOP BREAKDOWN OF ALL MACHINES, SYSTEMS and EXPECTATIONS CONCERNED.
#2. Now for the GOOD news.
Thursday, Oct. 19
The Hour of Slack is on NET RADIO! NOW!!!
SUBGENIUS INTERNET RADIO MINISTRY:
Thanks to the FAR-SIGHTED VISIONARIES at UltraPlex, you can now hear the latest Hour of Slack, or your choice of reruns and media barrage oldies, at any time of the day or night, from anywhere on the planet, if you have a halfway decent regular computer and a modem.
The I-Wave sound player program is downloadable at the site. It works on the average home pc with sound capabilities.
EXCEPT FOR MACINTOSHES. Rrrrr. But they're working on that. TrueSpeech, probably, until there's I-Wave for Mac.
Newly Killed SubGenius Kai Cherry, the UltraPlex maestro on this project, has been laying his webberizing on thick -- I've never a web page done quite this way before -- and it's one of those web sites where you KINDA NEED the GOD-DAMNED new Netscape just to SEE it right. (I hate that upgrade because they "fixed" what wasn't broken: the "bugs" that happened to allow all the COOL FLASHING SCREEN AND ANIMATED TITLES tricks!)
I REPEAT: these are not sound files that you must download first and then play. THIS PLAYS STRAIGHT FROM YOUR SPEAKERS IN REAL-TIME AS SPEWED FROM ULTRAPLEX. Your computer is turned into a cross between a radio and a phone, essentially... except that you can start and stop it, rewind it, fast-forward... I THINK... since I'm on a Mac I can't do this stunt, YET. I haven't done my homework yet on THAT big techno-angle.
I sure hope this Web Show-Biz crap doesn't turn out to be like HAM RADIO and CITIZEN'S BAND, i.e., obscure, for hobbyists -- NOR, UTTERLY TAKEN OVER by 3 RICH GUYS like all the MASS media, because either way I will end up having wasted a LOT of time! Sure is fun fiddling with these gizmos, though. You know how little boys love to assemble cool forts out of boxes, and then force-hop toy soldiers all over the place, making them die horribly? Well, IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT. That's what makes it FUN, not martyrful, to slave one's ass off for this ONE TRUE RELIGION.
#3. NEW HOURS OF SLACK FINALLY PRODUCED
(Wednesday, Oct. 18)
Four Hours of Slack in one day. Whew. That's a record. #s 503 through 506. They "came out" REAL GOOD -- there was some WELL magnetized tape on hand. KILLER radio and devival recordings from the Cleveland and Atlanta conclaves. GUT-WRENCHING prank calls to Christian talk shows.
#503 is the LEGUME MEMORIAL Hour of Slack, with death-rants by Papa Joe Mama, Rev. Susie the Floozy, Dr. Nolan Voydd, and even some from alt.slack, plus (grotequely censored versions of) the Last Two Sermons of Dr. Legume. #504 is the "I'm Glad He's Dead" follow-up plus perhaps THE SINGLE BEST ESO/Lonesome Cowboy Dave/SubGenius collaboration chunk ever -- a REALLY SCARY one. DON'T listen while tripping. #505 self-evolved the theme of "Drugs, Sex and Mental Illness", starring Papa Joe Mama and Janor Hypercleats on Susie's "Bob's" Slacktime Funhouse on WREK Atlanta. (The rest of us were there too but Janor and Papa Joe were so "ON" we just STEPPED BACK and watched 'em go.) This also has OBE's "Groatclusters," Dr. Bizarro's "Zappa Copy Band," good stretches of Dr. Howll and Puzzling Evidence from RECENT KPFA Show, Rev. Susie the Floozie's SEX AND SLEAZE soundbite collage plus an amazing sequence in which she LITERALLY MAKES PHYSICAL LOVE TO THE SUBGENIUS MAILING LIST FOR THE SOUTHEAST, LIVE ON THE RADIO!!! AND A Cajun Prairie Squid Gumbo recipe on the ESO Radio cooking show.
PLUS drug war songs from the Maine Vocals CD.
#506 was JUST DONE AN HOUR AGO and it features PRANK CALLS ON CHRISTIAN RADIO sequences from Brother Russell Ministries (that tape has NEW LUCIUS TATE (!!!!), you collectors, not that I used any of THAT on the radio). Played some GWAR, Zoogz Rift (Hi Mom I'm Home, which prompted much cutting and a pissed-off spontaneous rant about having to censor cussing), but the bulk of the show is a HORRIFICALLY WELL RECORDED sequence from the climax of the last Cleveland devival, with Einstein's Secret Orchestra driving my ass to do some CLASSIC ranting if I do say so myself. Starts with the "Streets of Laredo" "BOOTLIPS FROM KISSING "BOB'S" BOOTS" rant, then "Take Another PIL" (a cute little ditty) and finally the obligatory, but no less heartfelt, MAIN SERIOUS ANTICONSPIRACY RANT. #506 is also spiced up with some QUITE STARTLING SAMPLER-HELL-EFFECTS MUSIC by a new Hour of SLack contributor, Rev. Toe Frophauser. Roll that name over your tongue. Rev. Toe Frophauser. Kind of a LIKEABLE name, isn't it.
4. ESCAPE, or MORE TORTURE??
In two days I'm OUT OF HERE, first to Devilacqua's Legume Wake (BE THERE!!!!!) in Cleveland, then (PRAISE DOBBS) another session on WCSB with ESO Radio (Einstein's Secret Orchestra, Lonesome Cowboy Dave, Chas Smith etc.), then by Gobbs the GWAR tour REALLY DOES START there in Cleveland with a mini-devival every damn night, and living on a bus with guys in fake-sperm-soaked rubber monster suits. Except... I'm starting to wonder if they really ARE suits. Between dubbing tapes, fighting with taxes, fixing everything broken, fending off the BATF investigators, striving desperately to complete The Experiments, ordering merchandise, answering email (last Sunday when I pushed SEND, it said, "Now sending 77 messages), helping Kai Cherry build the upx.net SubGenius Internet Radio Station, punishing the slackard Bombies, and printing out mailing labels in zip code order using a printer that has to be HAND FED BITS OF FLESH for fuel... between the hammer blows, Devilacqua and I were occasionally plunged into the GWAR universe. The GWARbarians I've encountered look and talk exactly the same way in real life as they do on stage, which would have me nervous except that I'm used to SubGenius Doktors. Oderus can stare hungrily at me all he wants and it ain't gonna psyche me out. If I could do the 'Frop Circuit with Legume I ought certainly to be able to handle the GWAR tour bus. I just gotta remember to pick up some ear plugs and nose plugs. And a butt plug to fend off those slobs if the supply of sacrificial groupies gets thin. These "musicians" are FUCKING SERIOUS. I mean, they REALLY ARE DANGEROUS and the maces they carry are REAL IRON. But Dobbs gave me his Lucky Rabbit's Foot and THEY KNOW IT, the CONTRACTS are SIGNED, Sleazy P. Martini and Steve Devilacqua have their "understanding," WHARGHOUL and NHEEGHEE have accepted the Signs and Sigels (we ASSUME), so it should be smooth sailing, even though I have one day left to compose the rant and recut the video backdrop. And one to pack.
Some of you people haven't caught on that I'm not just ACTING like a mad scientist out of a movie, I REALLY AM THAT WAY. POPE STERNODOX is NOT just ACTING like a DANGEROUSLY INSANE REDNECK. Papa Joe Mama isn't just PRETENDING to be a FIENDISH SADIST. G. Gordon Gordon is not a FAKE retired mercenary and Dr. Legume was not a FAKE BLUTO. Brother CLEVE DUNKAN is not a COUNTERFEIT beatnik jazzmaster holy man. Steve Bevilacqua is not a DECOY sleazy show-biz "agent" with Mafia connections. Sister Susie the Floozy IS a real stripper, Dr. Philo Drummond IS a Doctor and an arms salesman, Zoogz Rift IS a REAL pro wrestling manager, the list goes on and on, and I'm just naming folks whose names pop up in SubGenius mass media a lot. You do not PLAY GAMES with GOD, my friends. This is SERIOUS BUSINESS. The fate of the planet hangs in the balance and TIME... is tick... tick... tickin' away, as Dr. Legume pointed out just before a drunk driver spread him all over I-95 like jam on a slab of toast.
I actually got email and phone calls GRIPING that I hadn't been lounging around on alt.slack and PARTYING. Well I ENVY you people that GET OFF WORK. Can you imagine having one of these Xist collars around your neck? Oh sure, I get 19 PERCENT OF THE SLACK come X-Day, but apparently between now and then it's BETWEEN-HAMMER-BLOW-SLACK ONLY!!! I got all this email. "Are you sick?" "Are you too busy?" "Are you getting too much email?" Hey, don't ask and maybe you won't HAVE to. I hate to be that way but my shell is getting so thick it's about to make an Ankylosaurus look like a no-account box turtle by comparison. It's because of the HAMMER. The ANVIL of the Conspiracy is NOT a nice place for a SubGenius to be. Sometimes I wonder if I should be running around preaching Slack, but then Hypocricy is the sandy, shifting beach upon which this Church was BUILT!! Darn that old "Bob's" endless perfect irony.
Those 4 shows sure were overdue and they ARE "good," and by Gobbs we managed to prop up a web site to LAST THE AGES -- hey did McConville post the letters where the IDIOTS were FALLING FOR THE VIRUS GAGS, and WHINING at SunSite about it, after running out to BUY virus elimination programs??? IT WORKED!!! The FOOLS. They think it's a COMPUTER virus!!! They'll never even GUESS the truth -- even though we SPELL IT RIGHT OUT!
I did have to sell that last 10 percent of my soul to the Devilacqua, that's true, but Dobbs told Philo to tell me it was okay. Anyway that's what I figure since Philo didn't call me back. Besides, Gordon and Dobbs already have the rest of my soul and I sure haven't noticed a difference. BIG LOSS!
There are still a few GAPING HOLES in the website, not to mention the 500 illustrations waiting to be used. The other day I thought of SubSITE as an elephant. The elephant's head is fully fleshed out, down to the little whiskers. It's shoulders, though, look like part of a life-size plastic artificial elephant. Then in patches, there are places where the elephant's muscles show through because he has no skin, and he looks like a medical illustration; other patches are just elephant skeleton. And whole parts are missing, like his tail, his hind leg and a puzzle-shaped piece right out of the middle of him. Odd way to visualize one's "under construction" website, I suppose. I guess those missing parts will just have to stay mysterious for another month. And oh yeah, that printed STARK FIST encyclopedia... maybe we better set our sights a little lower. Sometimes I wish print WAS dead, because these ELECTRONS sure are CHEAPER!! Probably because they're non-union.
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