HEAVEN'S GATE website mirror:
HIGHER SOUCES website mirror:
GREAT KOOK RANTS OF THE FALSE JESUS/DO(bbs) (from Pathfinder)
(ALL SUBGENIUS ARTISTS -- GO THERE NOW and START COPYING AND WARPING THEIR KILLER SAUCER GRAPHICS!!!)
THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE HALE-BOPP COMET!!
SPONSORED BY NIKE!!
"NO, NO, we said, "Wait for the COMMENT, Hail "Bob!""
ONLY 465 days EARLY, YA FRUITCAKES!!!
They call these amateurs a CULT? Buncha dead posers, couldn't brainwash their way out of a wet paper bag.
39 DEAD CULT ZOMBIES. Well WHOOP te FUCKING DOO and paint me red running! HELL, we had more people than THAT at the damned X-DAY DRILL!! We wouldn't even bother to SPIKE THE KOOL-AID for less than 1,000 corpses. (We Smiths like to keep up with the Jones, you know.)
DO(bbs) PREDICTED IT ALL!!! It's all been right there in black and white, in PRINT, for what, 15 years now! The Xist advance scout saucer hidden in the comet, even the NAME of the damned COMET!! NOT TO MENTION THE DATE, god damn it, the DATE!!! DUH!! Oh, but these BRILLIANT OCCULTISTS didn't think Dobbs' revealed word was GOOD enough for 'em! In fact, thought his LAST NAME was 3 letters too long! Didn't like the fact that he SMOKED! And most heretical of ALL, they SHUNNED SEX and DRUGS, but LOVED HARD WORK and SWEETNESS-AND-LIGHT BULLCRAP!!
Oh yeah, and they had their OWN JESUS!! Fucking bastard running around saying he's Jesus. CHRIST! Jesus is down in the garage right now packing swag for the SRL show in Austin! (I kinda wish we didn't have to leave tomorrow... these cultists had AWFUL timing, in more ways than one.)
Oh, sure, they called the Pinks "Norms" just like we do (though I'll bet they used "norm-worms" or something like that in private), and they talk about "casting off the meat shell," oh YEAH, they TOOK what they LIKED from the DobbsWord. But only the parts they LIKED.
Guess they found out the HARD way what we've been trying to tell people ALL THIS TIME:
THE GREYS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. DOBBS PREDICTED that this comet would PROVE that alien attackers were in route to enslave all the non-believers -- who SHOULD INDEED kill themselves to escape gruesome torture! And of course, this "Higher Source" was specifically mentioned in the prediction. But these GENIUSES thought they were gonna get to BECOME Greys! They actually WANTED to! That's like WANTING to become a BUG!
And the media calls THESE bumbling amateurs "cultists!" MARSHALL APPLEWHITE aka "DO" -- half-assed grinning monkey man, only thing that makes him any better than a Bob Dean is that Applewhite was a TEXAN cult leader (in fact he was a dues-paying member of our trade association).
HA! WE'LL show 'em a thing or two about CULTS. They want CULTS?? They want MASS DEATH and piles of GAILY BEDECKED CORPSES of grinning idiots with BAD HAIRCUTS?
Now, seriously -- IF, at the X-Day Drill, we suggest that everyone LAY DOWN in a giant star pattern in the field, and put these CLOTHS over your heads and just, oh, take a NAP, don't worry, and don't get all excited if you hear strange noises. We might film another one of those funny fake "Bobbies execution scenes" for the 700 Club, like we did last year.
Their graphics are pretty good, though... Jesus and I spent as much time as we could, looking at their Higher Sources "commercial" website (the only one you could get to this morning; id McConville had grabbed all versions by this evening). And those purple robes they wear when they die. That's pretty cool. And they had nifty patches on their "flight uniforms." Ya'll are gonna have to get crackin'. Luckily in OUR cult, you're expected to make and design your own flight suit, because we DON'T want to all look alike.
LUCIFERIAN LIBERATION FRONT -- YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT!!!
AND GUESS WHAT! I have had PRIOR ENCOUNTERS with this cult myself, so to speak. For one thing, about two years ago I TALKED A FRIEND OF MINE OUT OF JOINING THEM!! The guy had gone to one of their recruitment meetings in Dallas and was really QUITE TAKEN! He showed me their literature and I pointed out the BALDLY INHERENT FLAWS in their BASIC LOGIC and also explained that this was nothing but old BO of Bo and Peep (a 70s thing, you wouldn't understand), back up to his old tricks. I hope that tonight my friend appreciates that HE NOW OWES ME A LIFE!! (Luckily, he's a FROPMEISTER! So I'll take my pay in a 10% tithe.)
AND... WE'VE ALREADY RIPPED OFF THE BEST THING ABOUT THEIR WEBSITE!!!
McConville had been looking at their html source code while mirroring their site, when he noticed this incredibly long list of "key search words": the names of EVERYTHING WEIRD, ALPHABETISED. He was ranting at me about what a great keyword list it was and I REALIZED -- I HAD ALREADY STOLEN IT!! About a year ago when I was helping A.C.E. in Cleveland "get on the Internet" I was randomly following links -- something I rarely do, actually -- and found myself in a CLASSIC kook website that was unusually well crafted, technically. And well written bullshit, too! I remember telling Princess Wei R. Doe -- (D'OH! "DOE"! ANOTHER CLUE???!? What's THE QUEEN OF ALL THE UFOs' INVOLVEMENT IN THIS??) -- I told her, "Now THESE people, THESE people have the SECRET of the GREYS." And sure enough, then I found their keywords list and knew that THAT was the REAL secret, and... and I STOLE it for the main front index page of SubSITE. It's an invisible "meta" section -- you can't see it, but search engines can. WE'VE BEEN SIPHONING AWAY HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUCKERS, BY USING THEIR LURES!!
I also saved their RANTS and MANIFESTOs... and to tell the truth I can't for the life of me remember if I ever bothered to put any of it in SubSITE! I haven't even checked to see if we already had a link.
Their commercial web design site, HIGHER SOURCES (why do I keep wanting to write HIDDEN Sources??) is a FONT of inadvertent hilarity, with phrases like "The individuals in this group have worked closely together for 20 years" (yeah, in the same room, in 24 hour shifts)..."We try to stay positive in every circumstance." (Like mass suicide.) Their demo artwork is quite good and VERY revealing... AFTER THE FACT!
Another "weird-DOE" thing about it -- the HIGHER SOUCES site looks SUSPICIOUSLY SIMILAR to the NEW A.C.E. WEBSITE!
When Jesus first heard the news on the radio -- mass suicide of a house full of cult members, all male, all dressed alike, working at computers in rows, a website full of aliens and saucers -- He had His fingers crossed that it was SubGeniuses. He was PRAYING to His Father (which believe me, He rarely does!) that when they lifted those purple shrouds, they'd find everyone was wearing Dobbshead t-shirts.
There's an email address in their website. I sent 'em a letter -- "Way to go, brothers! See ya on X-Day." Mainly as a "howdy" to the FBI I guess.
Certainly, death is tragic. And I certainly wouldn't make fun of these DUMBASSES if SOMEBODY ELSE had done it to them. But one must consider the "Good Riddance Factor." One would have to be a pretty spoiled, self-centered asshole to begin with, to feel so VASTLY SUPERIOR to everyone else, that he or she would even START to fall for this "YOU ARE A GOD" line of bullshit.
Uh... present company excluded, of course.
-- Rev. Ivan Stang
FROM PAPA JOE MAMA:
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997
Subject: talk radio
Just wanted to give you a heads up about the call I made to Talk of the Nation today on NPR. It was the usual Religious Right Baiting so many of us love to pull. But I admitt, with the recent death of 39 cultist, it was in bad taste (and thus, irrestistible).
I told them I had seen all this on your Web site last year, before the comet was discovered, a prediction that a Comet would be found (before 1998) and named "Hail Bob". Then how amazed I was when they actually discovered "Hale Bopp". But the other part of the prediction was more sinister: That this comet would prove the Alien attackers were in route to enslave all the non-believers and they should kill themselves to escape the gruesome torture. And of course, this "Higher Source" was specifically mentioned in the prediction. But I didn't think anything about it until after I heard about the recent deaths. Another caller said the Subgenius was only a joke, and I responded that I had heard that too, but that I had also heard that the Joke part was just a gimmick to escape serious screening by the government.
Anyway, they laughed it off (fools that they are) but it was a fun plug for the web site and done totally deadpan and might have raised a few eye (uni-) brows. I'll send the tape in case you want to toss it in the show sometime.
That's the news. I didn't want you to be caught unawares if someone asked you about it. (If the Men in Black show up, I didn't do it!) Hope everything else is Archie!
Yours in Jughead,
JANOR'S NEW CULT JUMPS GUN!
Janor Hypercleats, aka "Father John R. Harperclotts", previously of The Temple of Yes and before that The Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer Launcher's Society, vanished today after talking 39 people into both giving him a dollar and committing suicide.
The group members apparently committed suicide in the belief a UFO, shielded
behind a comet, would take them to heaven. Cult experts speculate that some cult members did not commit suicide willingly, but to escape the sound of Hypercleats's voice.
"We also were able to determine, based on their physical appearance and some
of the characteristics of their bodies and liquid found at the scene, that
they may have ingested drugs," Lt. Gerald Legume of the San Diego County
Sheriff's Department told CNN. "They had little speakers chained around their necks and tapes of this man's voice were emitting loudly from them."
Milton Bevilacqua, a lawyer for the owner of the house, was quoted by local
TV stations as saying it had been rented to a religious computer group led
by a man called "Father John" and that its members, who did not drink
alcohol or smoke and were celibate, believed they were sent to America as
In Washington, U.S. President Bill Clinton said he was shocked and sickened
by the deaths.
"It's heartbreaking, sickening ... shocking," Clinton said when asked his
reaction to the deaths. He claimed he did not know any more about the incident than he had seen in media reports.
The bodies were discovered by Beverly Hills computer expert Nick Mavrides
received a packet from the group Tuesday night saying its members had committed suicide.
According to a letter and the videotape, he said, the cult members
believed "that they were going to be taken away by, as odd as this sounds,
I'm just telling you what I heard, by a UFO, that a UFO would come by and
pick them up."
He said he had met about 15 members of the cult, which designed computer
Internet web pages, and they told him the UFO was hiding behind the
Hale-Bopp comet as it neared Earth.
He said the pre-suicide videotapes showed the victims "were quite
jovial and excited about moving on to this next stage, this stage without the voice of Father John R."
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