Sometimes I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say, "You fucked up. You're a FUCKIN' IDIOT. For 15 years you've been busting your ass for an anti-religion religion. And to make things worse it's also anti-art art and anti-science scienece. But that wasn't stupid enough. Just for the icing on the cake, it had to even be an anti-business business.
And look where it's got you. You look like a bum, you're broke, you're addicted to 'frop, you haven't held down a normal job in YEARS, you don't even have a TIE, you haven't exactly given your kids their choice of colleges, and your wife thinks you might be INSANE.
*****
Now lately I've heard tell of a RUMOR that I, Rev. Ivan Stang, had somewhere somehow been hinting that I wasn't REALLY a SUBGENIUS. I guess somebody was "INTERPRETING" SubGenius writings as if they were some kind of art fag poetry for coffee house GIMPS. Now if what I just described isn't classic SubGenius behavior, if there is such a thing, I sure don't know what is.
Because late at night, when I look in the mirror AGAIN, I say to myself, "YES, I'm a fucking idiot, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, 15 years I've been busting my ass on an anti-religion religion, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, it's anti-art science and anti-science art, and anti-business business, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, I look like a bum, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, I'm addicted to 'frop, PRAISE "BOB!" NO, I haven't held down a normal job in years and don't have a tie, PRAISE "BOB"! NO, my kids don't need their minds destroyed by college any more than I did, because YES they can think for themselves, PRAISE "BOB"! and NO, I AM NOT INSANE, EVERYBODY ELSE IS, PRAISE FUCKIN' "BOB"!! FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!
And that's all there is to it. That is a TRUE THING.
*******
DID YOU EVER HAVE "THE BLUES?" Have you ever felt TOTALLY SLACKLESS? Like everybody in the world was out to GET you, and they were all ASSHOLES? Well, if you HAVEN'T, then you are probably NOT a SubGenius.
Some of you came to this place because you are DAMAGED. Some, because everybody ELSE is damaged. Either way, you feel ALONE.
You ARE alone. We will NOT bullshit you about that. But we are not here to all be "alone together" like cutesy little new age Pink Boys in some NERD SUPPORT GROUP. NAY! Besides, do you really WANT companionship from a bunch of your fellow SubGenius yoyos ANYWAY? Chances are, you'd just as SOON be LEFT A FUCKING LONE.
And, you lucky bastard, that's just what "Bob" is good for.
YOU CAN BE ALONE... WITH "BOB."
Yes, you can be ALONE with "BOB." He's the only Personal Savior you CAN be alone with. All those other Personal Saviors, hell they're always breathin' down your neck, WATCHING you, "Did you SIN too much today? Are you gonna be able to pay the bills this month? Are you doing your best? Did you remember to kiss my ass?"
With Dobbs, you don't have that problem, because "BOB" DOESN'T CARE. He could give a good golly gosh darn about you failures and your sins or even if you kiss his ass. He cares about your MONEY; but he ain't well enough connected to FORGIVE your sins, and even if he was, he doesn't consider your sins WORTH forgiving.
He will however JUSTIFY your sins! He will RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!!
Don't worry about being a FAILURE in the Conspiracy world. They WILL try to humiliate you but they LACK the sublime cosmic knowledge of the forbidden sciences, that the only thing that NEVER FAILS, IS failure. The only thing that NEVER WORKS, is PERFECTION. The only workable philosophy, the ONE RULE of the Church, is "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." You gotta stop blaming yourself for your failures, and get back to BLAMING THE CONSPIRACY. The CONSPIRACY tries to tell you that a failed experiment is BAD and that you're a LOSER if you aren't RICH and GOOD LOOKING and that it's somehow ABNORMAL and UNHEALTHY to be depressed, pessimistic, consumed with HATE, and DESPERATELY seeking SLACK in STRANGE PLACES. Those are actually APPROPRIATE RESPONSES to a world that's SO FUCKED UP, that even the CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS starts to make sense by comparison.
The idea that it's NORMAL for everything to be all cheery and hunky-dory and slackful and lovey is a LIE. They ACT like it ALREADY IS, so that YOU'LL STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT THAT WAY, someday, in the far future or 1998, whichever comes first... 'cause that makes THEM look BAD. As the old bumper sticker says, "I'D RATHER BE KILLING OPTIMISTS." That way lies a life of QUIET DESPARATION.
We SubGenii choose to lead lives of EAR-SPLITTING desperation. We MUST HAVE SLACK, but we're getting force-fed a gross pablum of FALSE SLACK, we ARE being ripped off every day, and we are NOT going to sit back and be POLITE while we're getting FUCKED. When they won't let you have the kind of Slack you need, then have they given you any CHOICE but to obtain SLACK THROUGH HATE?? The Christians and New Agers like to channel their false "LOVE". Well that's JUST FINE for them, since they comprise 95% of the OverPop. By the same token the SubGenius channels its TRUE HATE, tapping the pure HATE-FORCE of the Universe and transmute it from STUPIDITY into SLACK. Just like I have to transmute my mood from stupid to slack as the day wears on. Although Slack is the energy which powers the universe, it is equally true that invisible, seething, self-contained HATE PARTICLES comprise the MISSING MATTER of the universe, the hidden MASS for which quantum physicists still search.
Hate and failure are part of NATURE and must needs be UNSUSPECTED PATHS TO SLACK. The life of a SubGenius, marooned in a sea of humans, can be hard. You might think we Preachers of "Bob," we fishers of wallets have the most Slack-filled job in the world, next to "Bob"... but no, it ain't easy. We took on the job of PULLING GOD'S LEG -- and well, it's a BIG LEG my friend. A MIGHTY big leg to pull. I'm the first to admit, devoting your heart mind and soul to "Bob" won't solve all your problems. But it WILL help you BLOW THEM OFF. And sometimes, when they're bad enough, that comes FIRST.
Besides, you may not yet have any INKLING what Slack REALLY IS for YOU. Oh, you THINK you do. You think "Oh, if I had such and such then I'd have Slack. If she loved me I'd have Slack." And you actually start "WORKING TOO HARD FOR SLACK." You build up to an OBSESSED FEVER PITCH reaching for that gold ring of Slack... trying to smoke the pot of Slack at the end of the Rainbow... and you OD!! -- it BACKFIRES, snowballs out of control. It becomes "black" or "sullied" Slack, AntiSlack. And that's when "Bob" steps in and saves your ass. BY TOTALLY FUCKING UP YOUR PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANT DREAMS.
Not by answering your prayers. He didn't pay any ATTENTION to your prayers. He just makes everything BREAK DOWN. Not DELIBERATELY -- that's just what happens around him. Suddenly there's this WHOLE STRING of TERRIBLE BREAKDOWNS and DISASTERS and your CHERISHED PLAN is SHOT TO HELL. And you can do NOTHING, not a GOD DAMNED THING, your HANDS ARE TIED, and... best of all... it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You look down and there's that treadmill you've been on, broken down and SMOKING. For NOTHING. And slowly the Grin of "Bob" creeps over your face.
For at that moment "Bob" has enlightened you! And you think, "PRAISE BOB!!! Everything went TOTALLY all to shit in the VERY NICK OF TIME! Now I can RELAX! In fact I HAVE TO! I believe I'll go see a movie! And, funny, now that I've calmed down, I seem to see the INCREDIBLY SIMPLE SOLUTION to that SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE PROBLEM. It was right in front of my dumb-ass face the WHOLE TIME! Why, that glass wasn't HALF EMPTY at ALL -- it was HALF FULL and besides, I was looking at SOMEBODY ELSE'S GLASS! I have been DELIVERED SLACK FROM WHENCE I LEAST EXPECTED IT!! PRAISE HIS SWEET NAME!"
The is the newly revealed doctrine of INVOLUNTARY SLACK. Just when life looks intolerable, INVOLUNTARY SLACK may be your deliverance. Oh, it might not be the kind of Slack you had in MIND. It might even be FORCED Slack -- shoved down your craw against your will for your OWN GOOD by "BOB" -- but yet, it is true Slack all the same. Maybe it comes up behind you and whups you upside the back of the head, like a mugger, but if that snaps you out of your treadmill of False Slack, then by Gobbs you better be thankful for it. INVOLUNTARY SLACK.
Because you can't know what Slack is until you GOT it, nor can you SHARE it, or INVEST it rather. YOUR SLACK COMES FIRST. Just remember, it may not be what the Conspiracy, or The Church of the SubGenius, made you THINK it was. THAT'S between you and "Bob."
Dobbs said, You'll pay to know what you really think. We will sell you the knowledge of what you really believe. And I'll tell you what I believe. I believe I'm gonna get offstage and have me a damn fropstick just as soon as I can!
Let's face it. Society is breaking down. The world as we know it has been PINKING OUT on BORROWED TIME. The warranty on this planet RUNS OUT on July 5, 1998. Earth is DOOMED. Only J R "BOB" DOBBS has the EXTENDED SERVICE POLICY.
Citizens Common Law Courts... poebuckers declaring the U.S. illegal... people who haven't caught on that the Conspiracy WON hundreds of years ago and is just playing cat and mouse with them.
But I like the idea.
The Church should declare itself a sovereign nation. The Vatican did it.
Demand that the UN and the Geneva Conference recognize the Sovereign State of the state of mind of the Church of the SubGenius and the authority of JR BOB DOBBS, High Epopt; His Royal Highness King Philo; Prime Minister Ivan Stang; Commander of the Armed Forces G. Gordon Gordon; Pope Sternodox; and that they be accorded the same rights, privileges as any heads of state; the right to place tarriffs, enforce our borders, regulate trade, immigration, mint currency; and complete autonomy from all Outer Worlds. The right to declare war... we'll do all that first and then buy the land later.
THAT FACE IS EVIL GRINNING DEATH!! He pretends to be a holy man but he's just another RICH LYING FRAUD praying on the WEAK and STUPID, sapping away your MONEY!! He gets rich admitting that he's ripping you off!
Not a bad idea. Finally an HONEST preacher. Finally a religion that DOESN'T BULLSHIT YOU about how full of BULLSHIT it is! The ONE TRUE RELIGION! Can I get a WITNESS!
Moment of noise?
"Bob" Dobbs himself was to have addressed you tonight, but the great man has passed out backstage in the arms of strippers, reeking of gin. Luckily his right brain man, one of the biggest of his Holy Dicks, is here to cleanse your soul before you lose it.
(VIDEO #1 and AUDIO #1 START)
(STANG:)
Open your hearts, close your minds, unzip your wallets and BEND OVER, because here comes "BOB" !
PRAISE "BOB!" GOD DAMN IT YOU MAGGOTS, SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOT A PAIR! PRAISE GOD DAMN "BOB" DAMN DOBBS! Or fuck "Bob." You could fuck "Bob" instead. He don't care.
The fundamentalist fanatics all think there should be more RELIGION in this country.
Well, have we got a religion for them!!
The Church of the SubGenius --God's Answer to Fundamentalists
ETERNAL SALVATION - OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK
This religion has ONE RULE and ONE RULE ONLY and that is,
"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE." Words to live by.
It has one sin and one sin only and that is the sin of serving the Conspiracy of the FUCKING NORMAL PEOPLE. Well, 2 sins, the sin of not sending your $30 to Dobbs. Actually... there's 365 sins that we KNOW of, but we're looking for more.
We've gone WAY BEYOND SATANISM. "Bob" Dobbs can out-tempt the Devil. Where you go after messin' with the Devil, he don't care.
(PULL OUT CLOCK or watch AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT)
Amongst us in this holy place are just a few too many HALF-ASSED TRENDY NORMAL HUMANS, DISGUISED as mutants and weirdos. People that spent $120 on a haircut that's supposed to prove they don't care how they LOOK. We must CLEANSE this foul place of the STENCH of Normality and Trend-butt-kissing. We must PURIFY this pit of Pinkness for the SWEET DELICATE MAGIC of (BAND NAME HERE), that lovely ballet troup and string quartet.
(BURN a FISTFUL of CASH)
As long as the smoke from these dollar bills is still risin' up to Heaven, the INVISIBLE ALIEN MONSTERS ABOVE KNOW there's still SOMETHING left on earth worth saving.
This man "Bob" is the world's first disposable SHORT DURATION PERSONAL SAVIOR.
He ain't gonna DIE for your sins. He doesn't give a SHIT about your sins. He ain't gonna forgive you because you didn't do anything you had to be forgiven FOR.
"Bob" COMES ... he comes again and again, to JUSTIFY your sins! To RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!!
He 's selling you... SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. Your money... is NOTHING. Now SLACK -- THAT'S something. That's something far more palpable and concrete than MONEY or FANCY CARS. The money and fast cars ring hollow without the Slack. Ask Elvis.
"BOB" teaches a doctrine of PURE UNADULTERATED SLACK. TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!! DON'T JUST EAT THAT HAMBURGER, EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT!! The SubGenius MUST HAVE SLACK. WHAT MUST HE HAVE??? He must have Slack.
And "Bob" won't even tell you what Slack IS; you get to decide THAT yourself. Oh, but the CONSPIRACY will try to tell you what Slack is. BE THEIR GOOD WIDDLE CLOWN and you can have all the FALSE SLACK you want. Most people wouldn't know what Slack was if it crawled up their pants in the form of an evil snake. They think, Oh if I could get a RAISE, THEN I'd have Slack. Oh if I could be like WHITNEY HOUSTON then I'd have slack. If I could FUCK Whitney Houston then I'd have slack. For most of the world Slack is one decent meal.
(5 min -- CON footage starts)
(Bring out someone wearing suit and my SMILEY-monster mask )
These two beautiful little SubGenius children came up to me outside the Church the other day and asked me, "Rev. Stang, who do we hate?" Isn't that cute? And I said, We hate THEM -- THE OTHERS. THE ASSHOLES. THE PINK BOYS and FALSE PROFITS, the SHEEP in WOLF'S CLOTHING! THE BARBIES and KENS. The Mediocretins, the somnambulacs... the NORMALS ORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS. And worst of all our rival RELIGIOUS NUTS. You think they love God all that much? What they really LOVE is the idea of YOU going to HELL.
And those sweet little girls said, "Oh, "Bob" shall slay them all and reap their souls in his harvest on X-Day, Rev. Stang." Isn't that cute.
The normals, smug yuppies and poebucker Nuzis who are SEEMINGLY SHOPPING all around you in BLISSFULL IGNORANCE, actually form a VAST CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU.
PINKS: BOVINE MINDLESS STEREOTYPES... YET THEY COULD DESTROY WORLD!!
THINK HOW BAD THINGS ARE NOW... THINK WHAT THEY'RE NOT TELLING YOU!
AMERICA is a CULT ... Talking you into WORKING yourself to death, HOW ANY DIFFERENT FROM JIM JONES, 900 PEOPLE?
FAMILY VALUES... WORRIED ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY. 9-5 JOBS...Mom, Dad,
LEGALIZE PORNOGRAPHY, and BAN WORK!
It's WAR!!! US vs. THEM
This is THE VERY LAST DITCH BATTLE FOR THE MIND! The final RESISTANCE against creeping NORMALITY!!
Unfortunately, belief in some old man in the clouds or a big Disneyland in the hereafter WILL NOT protect you. That's all PURE GRADE D BULLSHIT.
Want proof?
GOD?? I DARE YOU TO KILL ME! If you're there, STRIKE ME DEAD WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING!!
See?
WHO WILL SAVE YOU??
((10 min -- "BOB" FOOTAGE))
MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA, OPPENHEIMER SPLIT THE ATOM, BUT "BOB" CUT THE CRAP.
"BOB" was once a humble salesman.
He could sell ice to eskimos, hypocricy to Christians and Hate to a SubGenius.
That led him into religion and he founded this DO-IT-YOURSELF DISORGANIZED RELIGION FOR NON-JOINERS. SINNERS, MUTANTS, MISFITS, DISBELIEVERS, and THOSE WHO'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING, in 1953, not on a rock, but on a shifting, sandy beach of HYPOCRICY, when he discovered that there was a CONSPIRACY of NORMALS, STEALING AWAY the SLACK of ALL ABNORMALS.
And it's hard to get abnormals to band together. ALL SUBGENIUSES ARE DIFFERENT -- if any TWO or alike, ONE MUST DIE. Only thing we have in common is we have NOTHIN' in common with the Conspiracy of the Normals.
But we've been infiltrated. You see these silly ninnies, these BOBBIES STICKIN' TO THE TARBABY of Bob. All day long blabbering Praise Bob Slack Slack OK OK. An EMBARRASSMENT.
Oh, they got plenty of CHURCH, but they FORGOT "BOB"! Well, somebody SOMEBODY has to make the Church RICH.
Because to destroy, totally and utterly, THE CONCEPT OF MONEY... it's gonna TAKE money. A LOT of money.
See, "Bob" ain't no communist... he doesn't want everybody equally POOR. He wants everybody EQUALLY RICH -- but WITHOUT WORKING!!!
And that's where the Conspiracy FUCKS you. They've had their multiple tentacle dicks planted in your brain so long that they've got you thinking it's NATURAL to WORK for SLACK.
Now does that make sense?
"Bob" says to gain Slack you should surf the Luck Plane, and take PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.
You must PULL THE WOOL over your OWN eyes, and relax in the safety of your OWN delusions. The very fact that you are here tonight indicates that you are well down the path to enlightenment.
BOB isn't super-smart. He's SUB genius. He's for all intents and purposes UTTERLY MINDLESS actually. But he has Slack. He has a power the Pope would die for, the Power to FAIL! He's SUPER-fallible. He makes a million dollars every time he SCREWS UP! As "Bob" said, "I'd RATHER BE LUCKY THAN GOOD ANY DAY."
What good do BRAINS do you today, children? "Bob" sayeth, "IF YOU ACT LIKE A DUMB SHIT, THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL."
It's not the INTELLIGENCE, it's SENSE that counts -- common sense, sense of humor, and DOLLARS AND CENTS.
((14 min -- CON footage))
Some say "Bob" is a JOKE. But if "Bob's" a JOKE, what do you call THE EVENING NEWS??
What do you call PLAIN REALITY??
We're already living in a bad sci fi world.
They've ALREADY rounded us up like cattle, herded us into forced slave labor camps, and replaced our names with urine test result numbers -
ONLY MOST OF US DIDN'T NOTICE, because at the end of the day they still let us clock out, go home to our cell blocks, and punch in again for a few minutes of 'quality time' with the spouse and kiddies, or the drugs and TV, or all four.
Elvis is dead... Jimi, Janis, Jim, John and G.G.... And Kurt... Oh, they made it to the K's. ... the Marlboro Man has cancer...
Rock and roll is a beer commercial, punk is a hairstyle.
All the starving people in the world want back what they think you took, but you're supposed to work like a dog just to keep what you probably only think you have. You can't even die legally!
You look around and wonder, "Is everyone really this shallow, stupid, ignorant and naive, or is it me? Have I become so twisted and warped that I alone feel this hatred?"
...and you realize, "YES! It is me, and yes, I am a mutant, and yes, the Pinks are all doomed and MOST OF ALL, I AM NOT ALONE !!"
Not even humans could fuck the world up this bad, by accident. It had to have been a CONSPIRACY.
Is it the people who assassinated JFK? Or the Satanists? Is it the Crashed UFOs conspiracy, or the flouride in the water?
The real Conspiracy, isn't one of those clever ones. It doesn't even know it's a conspiracy. It's confederacy of dunces.
It is MUCH BIGGER than gods and demons, Republicans and Democrats, or Mom and Dad.
OH, you say, I DON'T WORK FOR THE CON... but they've GOT YOU BY THE BALLS!
OH, NO CON HERE! I can FORGET the CONSPIRACY HERE... BUT THEY WON'T FORGET YOU!!
You'll marry some bland dependable entity and bear a brood of snot-faced drug-snorting BRATS who can't believe what a doddering DULLARD you are and can't wait to LEAVE or KILL you as you sit there, exhausted and trembling, sweating blood and staring at some mediocre TV show, pondering your brain-wrenching degree of DEBT, desperately trying to drink yourself into a stupor, wondering, "What the hell HAPPENED?"
((18 min. -- "BOB" CRAZINESS footage))
Well, BY ALL MEANS, GO AHEAD, pal. It's YOUR soul.
WE'RE getting pretty god damned sick of the shit, ourselves.
Christians drink the symbolic blood of their quitter-god at the altar, OUR Warrior-Priests demand the REAL thing! And guess whose blood it is THIS time!
The Conspiracy has hogged fascism for too long. We're taking it BACK - for the PEOPLE, where it belongs!
FASCISM FOR THE PEOPLE! FASCISM FOR THE INDIVIDUAL!
PATRIOPSYCHOTIC ANARCHOMATERIALISM!!
SNAP OUT OF IT and realize that there REALLY ARE billions of TORMENTED SOULS BURNING IN HELL, AND YOU'RE ONE OF 'EM!!
((19 min. -- HATE footage))
(Of course this is the TOP FLOOR... WHEN DEMONS try to TELL YOU, YOU THINK IT'S SATIRE)
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SODIUM PENTATHOL!!
EARTH IS HELL WITHOUT BOB
There's but ONE THING that prevents us from EVER SURRENDERING, our ONE SURE WEAPON: our HATE.
OUR CREHATIVITY
Our hate is like a self-fueling cold fusion reactor... the Conspiracy itself is the "plutonium" which fuels our HATE DYNAMOS.
We're not talking about your run of the mill, panty-waisted, limp-wristed little "hate" - "Oh, I just hate taxes!" "Oh, I just hate the President!" "I just hate my hairdo today!" "I hate my job!" - or, worst of all, "I hate MYSELF!" That's a diddly-fiddly, namby-pamby kind of hate.
Our hate is not wasted on individuals, or nations; such vessels are far too small to hold our hatred. They would BURST.
Ours is an all-consuming, all-encompassing, all-pervading hate! A RADIOACTIVE hate! A BURNING, SCOURING, ANNIHILATING HATE!!
You BECOME the hate...
Some think, "I just can't HATE PINKS... it's not their FAULT. "
What do you think you're going to do? UNDERSTAND your enemies to death?
No - you must hate them to death! DON'T LOSE YOUR WILL TO HATE!
Hate is your Die-Hard battery, but it must be kept charged!
((20 Min -- Jesus, then SEX footage))
As for you LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO KILL US:
We're not so far apart!
You worship a dead guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick.
((Bring out BLEEDING HEAD OF ARNOLD PALMER))
Jesus is just alright with me... but not the Vindictive Crybaby Busybody Schoolmarm Prig Jesus - the Fightin' Jesus!
"THE SLOPPY SECOND COMING" --THE JESUS THAT DIDN'T GET NAILED
HE WILL TEACH YOU Pornological ACUBEATING, TIME CONTROL and MEMORY EDITING
LEARN TO MASTURBATE - without going blind!
PERFORM ASTRAL SEX WITH ANYONE YOU MEET!
"It's not pornography, ma'am, it's EMPOWERMENT!"
LIVE WITH YOUR SINS!!
UNBUCKLING THE BIBLE BELT... DROPPING THEIR PANTS... PRIVATE DESIRES!
FULLY EXTENDED NUCLEAR FAMILY
Mass Marriage and copulation
so you can go out and FUCK after the show without worrying about God, Mom or AIDS.
TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!
Don't just EAT that Hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!
But you better do it quick because
ALIENS WILL PUT US TO SLEEP LIKE COSMIC VETS.
((22 min. -- EOTW Footage))
THE END OF THE WORLD might not be aliens, heck, it could be boring -- like war, or nuclear accidents, or the greenhouse effect, or a comet, or ozone layer depletion, or drought, or epidemics, or typhoons and floods and tornadoes, or the New Ice Age, or the melting of the glaciers, or dust storms, or earthquakes, or falling radioactive space junk, or Third World barbarian terrorists with H-bombs in their luggage, or famine, or the mutant viruses, or insect invasion, or the contamination of the food chain, or the plutonium canisters rotting in the deep... or a hundred video channels clogged with the psychic silt of the Hollywood mind death delta!!
WHEN THAT HOT FLASH HITS... you'll say, IS THIS WHAT THEY MEAN BY THE CONSPIRACY?
SHIT will RAIN from SKY!!
YOU THINK JESUS HAD IT BAD??
THEY'LL MAKE YOU NAIL YOURSELF UP... WALLET
THEIR PAYCHECKS SHALL CRUMBLE... CONDOS SHALL FALL, rock albums will melt
But "Bob" has a BETTER End of the World in mind - for US. We like to call it, "The Practical Joke that WE Don't Stick Around For."
((24 min. -- ALIENS footage))
July 5th, 1998, at 7:00 am, the Chosen Ones, the High Unpredictables of the SubGenius Church under The Last "Bob", would be rewarded in that great RUPTURE - X-DAY, Ragnarok, the Eschaton, Judgment Day, the Last Call.
"UNKNOWN SIGNS WILL APPEAR IN THE HEAVENS"
((OVERMAN appears, strides around )
The "Men" from Planet X will come, and we faithful shall be LIFTED UP in Power an Glory to the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses, fleeing (but enjoying on TV) the cataclysms on earth while being TRANSFIGURED into OverMen and UberWomen, SUPERIOR MUTANTS who will lead a NEW RACE - the MASTER RACE, because it comes in ALL COLORS - to the Promised Land of Dimension X, the Pleasure Dimension of ETERNAL SLACK and CYTORSPASMIC OOZQUIRT.
We will have bestowed upon us the PRIVILEGE of carrying out "Bob's" wrath on a sick and sinning world.
"Bob" hath said, "Do unto them as they have done unto you."
The lucky ones will die QUICKLY; but the moron majority WON'T DIE at ALL!
Their flesh will consume away while they stand upon their feet, their eyes shall consume away behind their $100 sunglasses, and their swimming pools shall be filled with blood (2 Dobbs 3:10)
Thousands of Slackless Pinks shall surge through this ghastly carnage heap, smashing into each other in raging, mindless panic, grunting, shrieking and clubbing at each other, the Great Pyramid will crack in twain...
They'll suddenly be compelled to fornicate the way SubGenii always have - and, feel excruciating guilt!
Oh, yeah, they told you all about Babylon, Mother of Whores... but they didn't tell you how good lookin' she was, DID they?? No, they SKIPPED OVER that part!
Yes, our sadistic VENGEANCE shall be like a sweet to be savored, a treat to gloat over, as we voyage to our promised land beyond the stars.
Sounds good, huh? And believe it or not, it isn't even very expensive.
((26 min. -- "BOB", X-Day, Sex footage))
There really is a Heaven and you can buy your way in. YOU MUST BE SAVED - EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU!
JOIN THE CHURCH - AND MEET YOUR CLANDESTINY
"Building a New Heaven and a New Earth - On the Rubble of the Old"
WHAT IF U.S. BECAME THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE... WOULDN'T IT HAVE TO SEEM LIKE JOKE?
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO OUR PREDECESSORS!
TURN IT AROUND! GIVE CON A BLACK EYE!
IF U.S. CANNOT SEE TRUTH, LET IT BE BLINDED!!!
WE AREN'T SO FORGIVING AS OUR CHRISTIAN BRETHREN
BOB SAVES THOSE WHO SAVE SELVES
TRIBULATIONS, SAUCERS, RUPTURE... But PROFITING FROM IT ALL,
WADING IN BLOOD OF BAPTISM OF FISTFACE OF BOB BURNING THROUGH THOSE TITANIUM STEEL FORT KNOX DOORS with the CLEANSING FIRE of his MIGHTY PIPE!!
((Whip out FLAMING SWORD)) ((27 min))
The Con has 50,000 NUKES -- yet we DARE TO FIGHT 'EM ANYWAY... Because it's ONLY THE CRAZY PEOPLE that are DUMB enough to stand up and FIGHT CITY HALL!
WE MAY BE BROKE... BUT WE CAN HATE 'EM! WE GOT BOB AND THEY AIN'T!
BOB IS COMING
BURN AWAY THE HATE, THE RADIATION, THE FIRE
KEEP HATE BURNING!
REPENT! QUIT JOB! SLACK OFF!!- while you still know how!! TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
((Whip out REVELATION X))
Today, the cover of this book is printed in red ink. Tomorrow, it will be printed in blood.
JOKE? The Church of the SUbGenius COULD be the GREATEST JOKE EVER TOLD... IF EARTH CAN MAKE IT TO PUNCHLINE!
USE their hate and fear, turn it around, use it to PUMP YOURSELF UP with MUTANT SELF-CONFIDENCE, and then FLAUNT YOUR ABNORMALITY in their pathetic, slack-jawed, uncomprehending faces. You can WAG YOUR WEIRDNESS right there in public.
I am a holy man and by the authority invested in me by J.R. "BOB" DObbs, YOU MAY NOW, AS OF THIS MOMENT, DO ANYTHING THE FUCK YOU WANT!!
(I don't practice what I preach...)
((30 min))
But until such time that the humans are reduced to the masturbating, shit-gobbling apes they refuse to admit they are, we the SubGenii have pledged to FIGHT!
We will fight together on the beaches! We will fight on the land, we will fight them in the air, and we will not stop fighting until every record company executive, every MacDonald's manager, every rude clerk and every DUMB REDNECK COP and POLITICIAN is left staring into their own RIGHT eyeball until we yank their LEFT eyeball out too.
WILL YOU BE READY? Will you be ready to kill your neighbor, kill me, and then KILL "BOB"? TO FREE YOURSELVES FROM HIS UNHOLY GRIP ON YOUR MIND??
"BOB" WON'T not tell you what to do. YOU decide what to do. He will only tell you what to THINK. And you will PAY to know what you really think.
YOU CAN LEARN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF - BUT ONLY "BOB" CAN SHOW YOU HOW
"BOB" SOLD IT, I SMOKED IT, THAT SETTLES IT.
YOU MAY NOW PROCEED
The Normals happily supply the obedience themselves. It'shuman nature:
the Hanna-Barbera cartoons, "infotainment" shows
Rush Limbaugh bumperstickers
Caucasian Christians for Commerce
the Turn In Your Parents program, "Barney,"
Fashion Fascists,
Professional Victims, Food Fascists, Steven Spielberg ...
BUT... Urine Test Required. Pee here.
This is what is meant in Prescripture by The Time of PeE - it is the time foretold, when people would be judged not by works, nor by family, nor even by looks, but by their urine.
It is written in First Irrigations, Book of Urinomics 4:12: "And the Beast said: "By their pee ye shall judge them, and by thy pee ye shall be judged. And all will be divided by their pee. And in the snow shall their names be written."
It's FUCKED.
All presidents are only bar-coded Tarot-card chessmen in the Conspiracy's ceremonial Monopoly Gameboard Earth. Elections don't need to be fixed; they're FIXES for the hopeless who want to deceive themselves into a sense of "empowerment" by standing in line for hours to put a little checkmark on a dead piece of Amazonian rain forest.
The American Dream is just a faded dull nightmare. Yes, you are free - free to be a consumption-gratified meat sack.
But you watered-down so-called "liberals," with your tie-dyes, Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts and bitchin' hairdos, you who think you're on our side, are even worse.
You KNEW from the beginning what was happening, and yet you bent over HAPPILY, offering up your aerobicised buns to the Alternative Conspiracy, saying, "HERE! TAKE ALL YOU WANT! WIDEN IT TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT!"
FACE IT: all this New Age clap-trap means is, now when you fuck over the next guy, you've got to have a smile on your face while you do it.
At least the conservative has the good sense to WANT to kill us, their only true enemies! Who we really hate are the IDIOTS who refuse to recognize that they should be trying to completely and utterly destroy us, before we destroy them.
((END OPTIONAL))
THIS IS REAL
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS TRUE
"BOB" IS THE PROOF
BE NOT AFRAID
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
"BOB" IS COMING
IT IS USELESS TO RESIST.
WEIRD? BAD? Not exactly a 'team player'?
Had enough "Have a Nice Day"? Tired of all that touchy-feely Cosmic Sweetness-and-Light CRAP? Get nearly irresistible urges to pound spikes into the eyes of namby-pamby gibbering religious nuts?
Hate everybody?
Always known there was something going on that THEY won't tell you about?
Do you find yourself questioning if existence is relevant?
If God believes in you?
If it's normal to be normal?
If reality should be what it is?
Do impure thoughts literally assail your being??
Ever wanted to have CRAZED SEX with BEAUTIFUL ALIEN BEINGS?
We don't seriously expect ANYONE to understand Dobbs, and WHOEVER CLAIMS TO IS LYING! Once a guy accused us of being DEVIL-WORSHIPPERS just because we said we think that Christianity, as it exists today, is the ONE WORLD ANTI-CHRIST SYSTEM PREDICTED IN THE BIBLE!! No, we're not supposed to even know that THE ADVERSARY is not some grimy weirdo cranking out crackpot rants in a filthy attic, or a Cult Leader wearing Mystic Symbols on an afternoon TV talk show. We're not supposed to know that the MANIACAL HATCHET-FIEND is that quiet, harmless person who brings us such lovely vegetables from their MIRACULOUSLY WELL-FERTILIZED GARDEN!!! THAT SATAN INCARNATE ISN'T A HIDEOUS ABOMINATION FROM HELL, BUT A CLEAN-SCRUBBED, PINK-FACED, NECKTIE-WEARING GOODNATURED TRUSTWORTHY SOUL WHO IS POCKETING HUGE AMOUNTS OF CASH FOR POISONING AND MURDERING MILLIONS, saying, "WE HAVE NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT THE TENFOLD ESCALATION OF HORRIBLE DEATH IN THE DIRECT VICINITY OF OUR PLANT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BLACK SLUDGE LEAKING OUT OF OUR WASTE DUMP ONTO THE PLAYGROUND OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!" No, we're not supposed to know that, BUT WE DO KNOW IT, and once you know something YOU CAN'T UNKNOW IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. YOU CAN ONLY SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WISHING YOU COULD FORGET!!! - Nenslo
WAKE UP IN FALSE SEX, FALSE MONEY, ... WHERE'S BOB?..
You mean... THERE WAS a CONSPIRACY? I COULDA had SLACK? And BLEW IT? THERE IS A BOB?
HOLOCAUST FLASHLIGHT BATTERIES
IF ONLY I'D READ THAT BOOK CLOSER...
SOUL LAID BARE... to REAL Fist...
NAKED TO WOTAN... BELIEF ALL YOU HAD LEFT!!
Dobbs is here to POUND THE PULPIT UNTIL IT IS REDUCED TO SPLINTERS if that's what it takes to make you understand just what's at STAKE here, to make you feel just an IOTA of that Slack that he has been given to feel by the grace of the FRICTION INTERFACE of HOT COSMIC OOZQUIRT between him and Connie, to make you feel one billionth of the FIERY PASSION that SHOULD be coming with EVERY BREATH, once you really start TAKING FOR YOURSELF THAT SLACK WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS, which is your INHERITANCE, which is your DESTINY, under Dobbs!
You must learn to BASK in the GLORIOUS ALL-SUFFUSING LIGHT of the LOVE of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, and your blood must learn to BOIL with equally passionate HATRED for the HIDEOUSLY BLAND NONENTITIES, shadow people, and PINK BOYS, the BLANK FOOD TUBES that live around us and are trying to make us like them!
DAMN The Others!! For they FEAR the Slack; they haven't glimpsed the sheer LUST FOR SLACK that draws us forward, that keeps us off our butts and on our mental foot-glands, that drives us, punching our way through their mundane and tedious CRAP, hacking away at that jungle of mealy-mouthed boredom and half-assed minor comforts, as if with a MACHETE of SEXHURT, oh hell yeah, our arms might get tired, but by the sweet name of "Bob" we shall KEEP A-HACKIN' and A-WHACKIN', keep dragging ourselves ahead across that field of broken glass until we GET OUR GREEDY HANDS on that COSMIC HAMBURGER of FULFILLED DESIRES, till our DREAMS COME TRUE, dear friend, till our DREAMS COME TRUE.
Attention Pinks! - Insensate Meat Puppets! If you can step away from your numbness long enough to really look around you... does what you see excite you? Does it give you Slack? Does it do anything for you but prolong the numbness? "Oh, it's okay," you say. "Everything is okay. In fact, I don't like things that are more than okay, because then that makes me think that there might be things that were less than okay. As long as everything's okay, that's good enough! You can't have your cake and eat it too. Don't make waves. Okay? We're free enough - we can indulge in the properly ritualized 'bad' behavior, like going to the lake, watching the game, getting real drunk and beating our dogs, but that's understood - we all do that. Now, going to the lake and launching golfer heads, while chanting and levitating, naked, 'Fropped to the gills, and performing acubeating rituals with each other's dogs... NO WAY!! And it's okay to sublimate our sexual drives into things like despoiling the landscape at the expense of health and self-awareness just for money, because the only thing that gives our tired, twisted old nervous systems a thrill is the thought that we can buy MORE THINGS."
Your body keeps clocking in, functioning on 10% of your life essence, while the Con gets the rest. YOU MORON... they've got you thinking it's perfectly natural to "work" for a "living!!" What you WANT to do is real work - nothing wrong with that - but what you have to do is slavery. No matter what they're paying, you're selling TOO CHEAP.
In the Middle Ages, they called it The Obscene Kiss; kissing Satan's bum was the way a sorceror was initiated. Today, we have corporate-style butt-kissing... bestowing that submissive kiss upon the posterior of the Chief Executive Devil.
The "work" ethic is SATANIC!! Mark "Bob's" words - it will be our doom! Our little aquarium Earth is turning into a toxic toilet soul farm, controlled by aliens and their stooges - and day after day slips by, time that you could have invested in saving the Universe with "Bob," but instead sold cheap to the Conspiracy - like a SUCKER! Years out of YOUR LIFE, with nothing to show for them but lots of paid household bills. YOU'LL NEVER GET ANY OF THOSE PRECIOUS YEARS BACK... you'll just get older and older, and develop more and more chronic aches, pains and regrets, and when you die, the Con at large will just say, "Well, there's plenty more where that one came from."
It may be too late to stop being optimistic - but it's never too late to start being bitterly pessimistic.
Remember, things could be much, much worse. That's the consolation. You could SUDDENLY, ONE MINUTE FROM NOW, be screaming, in unimaginable pain, half burned to death and trapped inside the white-hot twisted metal and broken glass and charred wood of wherever you are when IT happens...
...or you could be lying on parched ground with bones so brittle from malnutrition, and a brain so ruined by disease, that ALL LIFE for you has become that one dry, vermin-ridden grain of rice at the end of your tongue...
...or you could be rich but afflicted with something caused by your own lifestyle that bites deeper and deeper into you, but ever so slowly, so that you never stop thinking of killing yourself... ("THEN they'd be sorry!")
...or you could be so wrapped up in your job that you haven't noticed that you've gone crazy, that you've only been hypnotized into thinking that "everything's okay," but actually there is starvation and misery all around that will catch up with you sooner or later...
But that hasn't happened yet, so in the meantime, WHO CARES?? - as long as the power plants still run, and we can still televise ritual yearly Earth Days, when the liberals congratulate themselves for being liberals, and the conservatives congratulate themselves for fooling the liberals, and the ones in-between are ground into dog food.
Original file name: MAIN NEW rant
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