Rev. Ivan Stang
What They (you know, THEM) say about the Internet is true. It is in fact a hotbed of pornography, a hog wallow that exists only to lead you and your kids into temptation.
It's sure done that to my wife. My previously sweet, demure, shy, easily embarrassed wife has succumbed to the gutter orgy that is social Internet intercourse.
I already knew all about the temptations on the Internet, of course; I'm a father, so it's my responsibility to investigate these things, to make sure my family is safe from them. Just for technical reasons alone, Dads have to know how to download porno pictures from binaries newsgroups. I'm never actually TEMPTED, per se. I just do research.
That's how it started for my wife, the day she learned that there was a special newsgroup devoted solely to photographs of women who, like her, possess an unusual physical attribute, a certain kind of... how to put this... um, ladies who boast an unusual set of, well... eh... hmm... I don't want to embarrass my wife. Oh, what the hell am I worried about? She's lost the capacity for embarrassment. She's lost her SHAME. I'll just brazen it right out. My wife has puffies.
The way it started, our friend said, "I learned a new word today! "Puffies!" It means a certain kind of nipple. Well, not nipple exactly, but that nipple base, the aeriola... puffies are this rare kind of teat with an especially bee-stung and swollen looking aeriola." My wife and I exchanged startled glances, but didn't say anything. "There's a newsgroup called alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.puffies," he continued. "That's how I found out about it. I guess a lot of guys like pictures of women with puffy nipple-bases."
The second the friend left, my wife showed a sudden fervent interest in porno binaries newsgroups. She couldn't believe that not only were there other FREAKS like her, not only was there a porn afficionado *jargon* for her nipplistic condition, but on top of all that, "puffies" were actually considered *desireable* in some circles!
I guess she thought I was just being charitable all those years. Heck, you see puffies in convenience store stroke books... if you read enough of them.
She had to immediately see with her own eyes these OTHER WOMEN LIKE HER. I chivalrously offered to show her how to download porno binaries on her very own computer. That was my first really stupid mistake.
This was a woman who used the Internet daily, but in a strictly AOL sort of way -- Email and educational websites only. Had never even gotten spammed for a pay-per-view porno website. Didn't know the word "puffies" to run a search on it.
But now the floodgates were opened. I showed her how the newsreader worked and we scanned down the List of All Newsgroups That Exist (with the giant **JERRY GARCIA** entombed in it), and when we finally got to the alt.binaries.pictures.erotica/etc. section, I must say -- even I was impressed. It had grown since the last time I saw it in all its glory. There were newsgroups dedicated to acts that I would have thought impossible for Earth beings to even conceive of, much less perform. And sure enough, there it was: or there they were: ../../puffies.
There weren't but about 30 pics there, 60 breasts in all, but by Gobbs they were indeed all PUFFIES, no doubt about it. I had never seen my wife so proud. During that hour her self esteem skyrocketed off the chart. It was like the first time she got her nails done by a professional. At the time, I was merely amused. Little did I guess what floodgates had been breached.
No, she didn't start spending all her time waiting for sick, perverted photos to download from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.unnameable-even-on-the-net, nor feverishly typing and moaning with strangers in the chat room, #puffies-lovers. I WISH!! Then I would still have time to geek out in MY newsgroups, alt.binaries.slack and alt.hackintosh. No, it was worse. She started writing pornography *herself* and emailing it to me. She got me to take nude pictures of *her* so that she could email them to me. She's now emailing me hourly, at work, all sexy and mushy like, or else pestering me into indulging in "hot chat" IRC sessions. She made a triple-x-rated website starring herself and then made me spend $3.95 a minute to download the pictures I had taken of her. She even set up a special CUSeeMe server and put a little video camera on top of her computer so she could do live strip-teases for me by modem. Unfortunately, I work in the same room as she does, so I can't really act like I'm not online.
I know *exactly* where this is going. Next, she's going to want me to actually leave my computer, and, like, touch her and stuff.
See? All those prudes and prigs and Internet Censorship People are right. The Internet is a bad influence on the family. Nothing but a cesspool. If God wanted us to mess with computers, sex and nudity, we'd be born with brains, glands and no clothing, damn it.
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Original file name: Seduction of the Innocent
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