by Rev. Ivan Stang AT LARGE column 740 words
Gunther: What you got in that thing?
Gomer: It's spummin' on a Harley Davidson Net-Crusher at about 300.5 kilospurtz... 58 megapegs REM, expendable... 60-ply CD-MWOWM, Hard Card on the floor. Got a scuzz-buster from Kamikaze Robotics. That there hive drive'll hold a glick in it. Vid-printer's a JetStreamer with Synchro-Squash Time Compressor. You can send vidmail back in time about 3 days with that. Got Tape Eater Deluxe for back-up. It'll do. What you runnin'?
Gunther: Just last week got me a rebuilt Gizmo 65 FTL Warp 10 Pee-C-SuperTowerPower-PadBook. 1000 mph. 64 SPAM. Fits in your back pocket. Screen rolls out to 9 feet. Ain't got but a digagig of them SnowFreeze hemis, though... I'm fixing to sell that for a New World Order 5. That sumbytch'll go... 'bout like... zero to sky in 5-kay. With a GatesCrasher.
Gomer: Those are good. My buddy, he could do 3-P D-cup with his. But, you know, that won't do you a bit of good without you got Lemon 2000 SpeedBundle Fumbler re-outstalled. Hey, what kind of screen scraper is that? That's really phrap.
Gunther: Eye Scorcher 3.0... got it cranked up to 11... I like to smell my retinas burning. And I got these two BlahBlah Woof2 Sound Cannon speakers.... got 'em jay-pegged up on refork fracks, with a Crinkler.
Gomer: I found me a damn Crinkler at the junk shop -- $5, perfectly good Crinkler! I guess the owner thought it was a carrot peeler or something! He musta thought the blood from the implants was rust. Had the reverse anti-compatibility neuron jack with it, still, too. No copy protect. Itches a bit... I only plug it into me for an hour at a whack. You can pump 60,000 mitacrunts through it, but it ain't street-legal if you do that.
Gunther: But you can race out in the boonies and the cops won't know. Gotta use Crunt Catcher. Keeps them runloads from crunting up with bad compsacs.
Gomer: Road & Net says that's the best rated scamblaster. You can take a trinaries newsgroup at 90 with one of those. 99, if it's a muggy day. How've you got that baby surgeproofed?
Gunther: Meltdown 3000. Good for 40 gravs. Any heavier than that and you're talking plutonium bills. It'll handle sunspots. My slave though, she chokes so bad I might as well be fropping through BreakWind-0.
Gomer: I know what you mean... which slave you using? Local?
Gunther: ROM dot COM.
Gomer: Yeah, I'm on ON-On dot on. They're all right, but they charge you 5 hypercrunts for over 3 spewputs an hour. But I got it tweaked to the Macs. If the traffic isn't bad I can e-vid 5 floppyporn trinaries, download an updraft, and be running TurboCrashDoubler Pro at the same time, all on, oh, about half an ethercrunt of gas.
Gunther: You want one of these beers? It's native code.
Gomer: Now you're talkin. Hey, you know how to get out of paying those influx bills?
Gomer: Join the Saucer Geeks and cut your "boot-mokus" off!!
Gunther: Hahahahah....Hey, how'd the AWOL Spamboy get his flops read?
Gunther: He didn't!
Gomer: Ahahaha. Hey, you ever mess with KillerDeathApp?
Gunther: Oh man. I've practically been flatlining with Kai's Cool-As-Hell 4.0.
Gomer: Global Idiot BitKicker with ByteYanker. Check THAT out. Site Mites go nites for that.
Gunther: I've got that already! I met this one crazy cyberslummer in Vee Arr Bar One last night, she took one look at my reflex R-AdAptors... we're talkin', seriously, 8 jillion dpi... and she had to have it, computerated, right then and there.
Gomer: Oh yeah man. I hear ya. Believe me. I know. I use ZipperDown myself for that but believe me, I know, man.
Gunther: Ha hahaha. I'm gonna get me another beer, you want one?
Gomer: How 'bout them Hackers yesterday?
Gunther: That was some game.
Gomer: Them EnCryptos didn't stand a chance.
Gunther: Virus McGee was on top of that one play...
Gomer: Hey excuse me man, I'm totally wireless... I've gotta go use Toilet 3.0 before my gigaplugger times out!
Gunther: I hear ya man. Catch ya on the flipflop. (end of log)
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Original file name: What You Got In That Thing?
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