``Russian Agents Guided Reagan's Astrologer: Pentagon Outraged''
Anyone have the details?
- JUST BREAKING -
I have it on good authority that Kraft entered into a limited
partnership with George Lucas, in conjuntion with the release of
_Willow_. Insiders at Kraft say that both Lucas and Ron Howard
[best known as that little kid on Andy Griffith] came under the
influence of ``mind bending'' techniques perfected by consultants
hired by sub-CEO Kraft executives, part of an ``underground cor-
porate sin network'' within Kraft. According to questionable
sources, ``both Lucas and Howard were targeted and successfully
controlled after Lucas, Howard, et. al. consumed a drug-laced
Kraft colby, which Lucas is particularly fond of, during a party
at Lucas' ranch.'' The Lucas domestic that purchased the colby at
a local San Rafael supermarket had no knowledge of the affair.
Further, sources say that Kraft plans a hostile takeover of Pixar
within a year, to ``to develop a cheese-silicon nanotechnology.''
Lucas, who has been seen at an ACM SIGGRAPH conference with Linda
Ronstat several years ago, has long been fascinated with comput-
ers. Linda Ronstat could not be reached for comment. Jerry
Brown, Ronstat's ex-boyfriend, inspired by the teachings of J.R.
``Bob'' Dobbs, is now giving haircuts to bums as part of his
recent ``intensive Zen training.''
------- Forwarded Message From WEIRD-L
From: LBS100S@ODUVM
I am pleased to announce franchise opportunities in a new fast food
enterprise: McSLUDGE! The only investment required is $35.99 for two
50 gal. barrels (surplus). Take your barrels down to the chemical,
lumber, or steel factory nearest you and fill them up downstream from
the stuff that is running out of those big pipes. Set up a serving
stand in your local neighborhood and start spooning it out. A suggested
menu follows:
Selection 1 - Black mounds suppurating vermiculate, putrefying tubes
of white ooze over a bed of shirred ocher strips the
size of credit cards. A brown, viscid sheet of blistered
protoplasm lies underneath, rising through ruptures and
cracks into crystalline nodes of toxic rot.
Selection 2 - A gelid, vitreous compound of yellow-green swirls
studded with spongy polyhedrons of irregular size and
shape. Parasitic sludge radiates from the latter in
long, thin tentacles across the breadth of the serving
bin, flanked in most cases by thousands of lurid polyps
and the dung of vermin, which has solidified to the
consistency of dried seeds.
Selection 3 - Oxidized, tartarous stalks swollen at either end by
scaly spheres encrusted with spines, fungus, and the
husks of decomposed thrips that have pierced and sucked
their heads into the surface. Bladderlike pods wall the
perimeter; their skin being deeply reticulated and
glutinous, many types of organic debris have affixed
themselves to it and thrive by converting the pulp
of the host pod into hideous, virgulate factories of
reeking gases that hover over the serving bin like a
pall of death.
***SPECIAL - TODAY ONLY!***
We will be serving free porous brown disks covered with lactiferous,
partially discolored fluid that congeals into brittle globules at
various points around the rim. Served with this will be all of the
hot, fluxed brown granular slag you care to ingest
------- End of Forwarded Message From WEIRD-L
