"For once, [Joe] does something SMART...he goes out...and pays a lot
of money to L. Ron Hoover...at the *First Church of Appliantology*!
Arriving at L. RON HOOVER's modernistic office/cathedral/
warehouse/condominium complex, JOE is greeted by a pre-recorded
message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV
screen...
L RON HOOVER: Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology! The
WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!
JOE seeks The Answer to his problem...
JOE: Oh oh oh
Mystical Advisor
What is my problem, tell me
Can you see?
L. Ron Hoover: Well, you have nothing to fear, my son!
You are a *Latent Appliance Fetishist*,
It appears to me!
Joe: That all seems very, very strange.
I never crazed a toaster
Or a color TV.
L. Ron: A *Latent Appliance Fetishist*
Is a person who *refuses to admit to his or herself*
that sexual gratification can only be achieved
Through the use of MACHINES...
Get the picture?
Joe: Are you telling me I should come out of the closet now
Mr. Ron?
L. Ron: No, my son! You must go *into* THE CLOSET
And you will have A lot of fun!
That's where they all live
So if you want an
Appliance to love you
You'll have to go in there
'N' get you one
Joe: Well...that seems simple enough....
L. Ron: Yes, but if you want a really GOOD one,
You'll have to learn a foreign language...
Joe: German, for instance?
L. Ron: That's right...
A lot of really cute ones come from over there!
(fifty bucks, please).
And a cheerful group of Appliantologists dance into the room wearing
aluminum foil lab smocks, lock arms in a circle around JOE, making
sure he pays in full....
"
Thanks, Frank.
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Pete Berger ARPA: Pete.Berger@andrew.cmu.edu
Academic Computing BITNET: R746PB1P@CMCCVB
Carnegie-Mellon University NEXUS@DRYCAS
UUCP: ...!harvard!andrew.cmu.edu!pb1p
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"If only I could/make a deal with god/and get him to swap our places..."
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