Today's Topics:
Dial-a-virgin
Desecration
A Moment of Silence, please...
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Date: Tue, 11 Jul 89 15:26:27 EDT
From: Paul Dworkin <paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu>
Message-Id: <8907111926.AA04712@media-lab>
Subject: Dial-a-virgin
The Virgin Mary may be reached at
1-800-232-MARY
they will also send you a free rosary.
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Date: Tue, 11 Jul 89 22:30:51 EDT
From: "Keith F. Lynch" <KFL%AI.AI.MIT.EDU@MINTAKA.LCS.MIT.EDU>
Subject: Desecration
Message-ID: <619683.890711.KFL@AI.AI.MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 10 Jul 89 16:03:06 PDT
From: Oleg Kiselev <lcc.oleg@seas.ucla.edu>
To: liberty@ai.mit.edu
Date: Sun, 09 Jul 89 19:03:58 PDT
From: attctc!decwrl!reid@central.sun.com
To: sun!Central.Sun.COM!attctc!eniac@ai.mit.edu
Subject: desecrating the flag
My sixth-grade teacher was one Mrs. Harmon, at Glencairn school in
East Lansing, Michigan. Mrs. Harmon and I didn't get along all that
well. She once got angry at me for sitting out of alphabetical order
so she assigned me to write the alphabet 25 times. I wrote it in
Greek. She got furious and assigned me to write it 50,000 times. I
picked the lock on the school office and used the ditto machine. And
I used her paper, so she ended up, before the school year was over,
handing out assignments to the class that were on paper that had
alphabets on the other side. She never explained why.
On the last day of 6th grade Mrs. Harmon did her best to scar me for
life, by telling me in the angriest voice that she could muster that I
had a schizophrenic personality and that I was doomed to be a nut case
for the rest of my life. I wish that I'd had, back then, the theatrical
skills that I have now. I could have pushed her into early retirement.
I did a lot of reading in the library later that month (June 1960) to
learn just what a "schizophrenic" was.
This morning I think I must have had a schizophrenic attack. As I've
confessed to this list before, I teach Episcopal Sunday School classes
to kindergarteners and first-graders, and I was dressed in the
wool/polyester-blend version of my sunday-school costume. My tie clip
is one that I got from the DAR in 10th grade for perfect attendance,
and it has the "Great Seal of the United States" on it. Same emblem
that the President uses on his lectern when he holds press conference,
though his says "President of the United States" while mine only says
"Daughters of the American Revolution".
I went to a bakery on the way home this morning, to buy some cookies.
There was quite a line, and it snaked back and forth through crowd-
control ropes so that you frequently had to look at people's faces
instead of the backs of their heads. The woman in front of me was
wearing the floral-print sundress from the cover of the Victoria's
Secret "Summer Clearance 89" catalog ("Betsey Johnson's shapely little
floral print dress in a blend of cotton and Lycra. Its surplice wrap
bodice creates its body-conscious fit. Reg. $88, Sale $69.") I notice
such things. She noticed my tie clip.
We waited in line each pretending not to be looking at the other. She
was trying to read the writing on my tie clip, which she couldn't do
without bending over, which she couldn't do in that dress. Also it's
sort of rude to bend over and stare at somebody's tie clip, I suppose.
I guessed that she thought I was some sort of Fed and was trying to
determine which kind.
I decided to humor her, by becoming a Fed for the remaining time. I
stood more upright than I had been, and looked at my watch a couple
of times. I stopped smiling. I wasn't sure how this game was going to
continue, until she got to the front of the line and I saw that she
was there to pick up a cake that she had ordered. She had ordered a
half-sheet lemon cake decorated with an American Flag. All 50 stars,
all the stripes. The whole nine yards.
Timing was crucial. I waited until she had paid for the cake, and
had picked it up to walk out the door. I pulled my wallet out of my
pocket, flipped it open to whatever it flipped to (my Price Club
membership card, as it turns out), flashed it in her face, said "Bill
Douglas, Federal Service" (it's a crime to pretend to be, say, Secret
Service or FBI, but it's not a crime to play on people's unspoken
fears of officialdom. Besides, I was wearing sunglasses, had half a
tank of gas, and was two hours from Chicago, uh, San Francisco). Then
I took off my sunglasses, looked her in the eye, and said "Madam, do
you realize that under proposed Federal statute some legal opinions
would hold that it is desecration of the flag to cut that cake? Be
careful." I then put my sunglasses back on, turned my back to her,
and listened to her scurry out of the store.
I bought 5 raisin cookies, but ate one of them in the car on the
way home.
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From: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu
Message-Id: <8907120258.AA26366@BEETHOVEN.MIT.EDU>
Subject: A Moment of Silence, please...
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 89 22:58:28 EDT
/~~~~~~~~~~~\
/ \
| |
| MEL BLANC |
| |
| 1908-1989 |
| |
| "That's all, |
| Folks!" |
| |
| |
| |
~~~~~~~~~~ \|/ ~~~~~~~
~""~~~~~~`'~~~~~~~~~~~~
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Gary L. Dryfoos | "A man's concepts should
|ARPA/Internet: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu | exceed his vocabulary...
| UUCP/Usenet: ...mit-eddie!athena.mit.edu!dryfoo|
| Phone: (617) 253-0184 / (617) 825-6115 | ...or what's a metaphor?"
| USPS: E40-342g, MIT, Cambridge, MA 02139| -- Plato Schrimp
+=============================================================================
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End of SubGenius Digest
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