Today's Topics:
Praise the Lord!
File "BIBLEPUB DAT" being sent to you.
lost mail
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Date: Fri, 11 Aug 89 11:05 CDT
From: Christopher Maeda <maeda@mcc.com>
Subject: Praise the Lord!
Message-ID: <19890811160556.9.MAEDA@WOODY.ACA.MCC.COM>
Sender: Practical Christian Life <CHRISTIA%FINHUTC.BITNET@CORNELLC.cit.cornell.edu>
Why am I not an atheist? Well, for a long time I was agnostic. I had
various and sundry ideas as to the purpose of life, but most generally
I thought there was no purpose. Shortly after my fourteenth birthday
my mother died from a long and arduous battle with cancer. My sister
tried to commit suicide and my father was off in the ozone for a long
time. Myself, I started to use drugs rather heavily. Later I switched to
booze. I drank and drugged heavily for about nine years and stumbled
along in life depressed and ever more disillusioned. I won't bore you with
the drinking stories except to say that it got pretty nasty. I was always
"blacking out", which means that I could never remember what had happened
the night before. I had absolutley no control over the amount of alcohol I
would consume, and was unable to not drink. Based on a Stephen King novel,
around 1982 I decided that my purpose in life was to destroy the world. I
was not sure how the opportunity to push the button was going to come my way,
but none the less I was CONVINCED that sooner or later that job would fall in
my hands. I was all to eager for it to happen as well, as I had reasoned
that no one in this world was any good anyway and that everyone was only out
for what they could get. I was spiritually dead.
During the ensuing two years, I would dust off the bible once in a while and
read it, but what I saw in there was that I had to be perfect before that
God would have anything to do with my, and then it would be a sorry and glum
life anyway. Since I knew I couldn't be perfect, and I was sorry and glum
enough as it was, I would put the book away again. All this time my behavior
when drunk (which was often) was getting more and more out of hand. I had
begun to fear that I might rape or kill someone while I was drunk, and not
even know it (our prisons are full of folks this has happened to!).
At any rate on St. Patricks day, 1984 I wakened up at about two thirty in the
afternoon in a strange place. I had woken up in strange places before, with
various different women and such, but this time there was a man in the bed
next to me. Now really and truly I believe your sexual preference is between
you and God, but I like women, and at that moment I was shocked. Being a good
alcoholic, I headed straight for the bar and blacked out instantly. But the
next three days (funny how it was THREE days) were the worst I have ever
spent in my life. I was terribly ashamed of my self. I could no longer live
with what I had become, a drunk who would do absolutely anything while
drinking. On the third evening, I was writing in my journal, trying to figure
out something to do with me. It was clear that I could either never touch
another drop of alcohol so long as I lived, or I could drink myself to death
as quickly as possible. I knew from past experience that I would be unable
to not drink if left to my own devices, and I really thought I should just
disappear and go about the business of drinking to death. I wrote this line
in my journal (I still have it) "Lord I must have some direction". Just
that simple little prayer.
The very next day I was brought into contact with a group of folks who had
been through the same things I had. It was clear that these people cared
about me for no other reason than I needed help with a problem which had been
solved for them. They were friendly and shook my hand and invited me to join
them. They told me that whatever I had done in the past was of no consequence
to them. And then they made the point-blank declaration that GOD had taken
away their desire for alcohol, and that He would do so for me too, if I would
only ask. They said not to worry about the specifics about God, just to talk
to God as I UNDERSTOOD him, and that that would be enough to start. They
knew I would get to studying the rest of God out for myself later on.
Well folks, that was a little over five years ago, and I have not had a drink
since. God truly removed my desire for alcohol, so long as I continue on a
path of spiritual growth. Over the past five years, I have watched this same
God work the miracle of soberiety in many many people. It is a beautiful
thing to watch and every time I see a shaking scared miserable wretch
transformed into a loving caring tender spirit, usefull to society once more,
I cannot help but know that there is God.
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Date: Fri, 11 Aug 1989 12:07-EDT
From: stucco toast <toad@cs.cmu.edu>
Subject: File "BIBLEPUB DAT" being sent to you.
Message-Id: <618854845/toad@NL.CS.CMU.EDU>
I don't know where this came from; one o those bitnet lists sent it to
me, but I'm not sure which. Maybe your church would like a copy.
Return-Path: <LISTSERV@OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU>
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1989 14:04:48 EDT
Sender: "Revised List Processor (1.6a)" <LISTSERV@OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU>
From: "J.David Wheeler" <STU_JDWH%JMUVAX1.BITNET@OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU>
Subject: File "BIBLEPUB DAT" being sent to you.
*--------------------------------- Cut here ----------------------------------*
This was posted on the University BB. Thought it would add a smile to (most)
most of the members on the list's face.
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
=========================================================
Date :- 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write
and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a
biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely
unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he
would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his
life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as
you propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He
suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ
realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-
one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden
spoon to be exised forthwith.
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough.
An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not
have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full
atmospheric effects of a large cast.
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to
'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of
the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for
indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason
why you should not write and publish your proposed biography
although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me
that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger
Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your
suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it
is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit
sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
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Message-Id: <8908112205.AA01526@BEETHOVEN.MIT.EDU>
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
Subject: lost mail
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 89 18:05:24 EDT
"Occasionally, you may experience some of the frustration
that always is associated with being on the leading edge
of a new technology."
-- Previous Director of Project Athena
Dear friends, acquaintances, and total strangers,
You are one of a select group who have sent me e-mail at least once in
the last year or so. As you may know, we are currently "appreciating" a
new system software release.
If you have sent me any mail in the last few days, it may have been part
of the 86kbytes that were suddenly evaporated into entropic waste heat
this morning. Could you please re-send?
If you have not sent me any recent mail, well, although the Universe
suddenly took a small leap forward towards its eventual Heat Death, it
was not so great or sudden a change that you'd have perceived it without
this note. I am sorry to have disturbed you.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Sincerely,
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Gary L. Dryfoos | "Occasionally, you may
|ARPA/Internet: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu | experience some of the
| UUCP/Usenet: ...mit-eddie!athena.mit.edu!dryfoo| frustration that always is
| Phone: (617) 253-0184 / (617) 825-6115 | associated with being on
| USPS: E40-342g, MIT, Cambridge, MA 02139| the leading edge of a new
| | technology."
+=============================================================================
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End of SubGenius Digest
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