Today's Topics:
Those Discordians (again!)
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Date: Tue, 26 Sep 89 14:57:40 CDT
From: Charles Forsythe <convex!forsythe@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu>
Message-Id: <8909261957.AA16827@rigel>
Subject: Those Discordians (again!)
I found this -- typed up and photocopied. Just what I get for eating hot dogs
with buns. Presented verbatim [well, fnords deleted]
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Bio-Death is as near as your mailbox -- and noone
wants you to know about it!!!
Read on if you are not arfaid to learn how the Senate
and the PO are melting our country with compunction!
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE METRIC SYSTEM The Metric System was
invented by Napolleon during the French Revolution. He was mad at
the English and the British because they did't want to buy Louisi-
ana from him. So Napolleon decided to keep "the Nation of Shopke-
eepers" from buying ANYTHING. He made everybody in Europe use the
METRIC SYSTEM so that their' parts would not fit English machines,
etc., and everything would be just a little bit the wrong size (too
big, too small, etc.). Then he could make the UNITED STATES buy
Louisiana. Why?
THE NEXT PEOPLE TO "ADOPT" THE METRIC SYSTEM WERE THE RUSSIANS.
Fodor Dooestoyevsky, was very enthusiastic about the Metric system
and thought it would fit Russia very well since the Russians have
no word for "dozen". Pre-Idology Russia was also very cold, made
colder by Alaska which was ten % of their' country. The Zar (king)
or Russia made us buy Alaska and blew up the Land Bridge to make it
part of North America so only we could use it. MANY OF THOSE
EXPLOSIVES are STILL THERE! President Andrew Johnson, who bought
Alaska for us, was too drunk to remember to remove them, and the
Senate "Recessed" without doing anything to prevent the explosives
and mines. The Dynamite is still there, and the other end of the
fuse is in MOSCOW. Alaska is booby trapped!!! The Exon oil
tanker "H.M.S. Valdez" was only the latest tragic outcome of the
communist treachary. The oil, now coating the longer half of
Alaska's coastline, will burst into flames whenever Gorbachew
decides to press the "Green button."
BUT EVEN WITHOUT ALASKA ANYMORE, RUSSIA WAS STILL TOO COLD FOR THE
REDS. But the French Metric System had the answer! Metric
temperature is DIFFERENT than regular "Fahrenheit" temperature --
you have to multiply each Fahrenheit by 9/5s AND THEN ADD 32! This
is called the "Greenhouse Effect". Russia got its hear, America
got a trapped icebound state that will melt and flood us out when
there is enough Greenhouse Effect.
FACT: IN 1975, less than a year after PRESIDENT NIXON resigned,
the Metric System Amendment was "adopted" by the closest vote in
all the Congressional Record. In fact, it was the vote of ONE MAN
that made it pass. That man was the Postmaster General, WILLIAM
RUCKELSHAUS!
FACT: In fact, it wasn't until TEN YEARS LATER when PRESIDENT
REAGAN >>>VETOED<<< the Amendment, which made it the first
Amendment to be vetoed in America since the Prohibition (vetoed
by Humphrey Hoover in 1932). PRESIDENT REAGAN realized that the
Amendment could be used to let the Government open peoples' cars
and change their' speedometers. This is an illegal entrance and
is against the Twelth Amendment (that they DON'T have in Russia.)
FACT: During those ten years, the average temperature in America
rose four Fahrenheits in the winter and more than EIGHT
Fahrenheits in the summer! Millions of angry Americans wrote
their' Congresswo/man, but somehow those letters got "lost in the
shuffle."
(END OF BRIEF HISTORY OF METRIC SYSTEM)
How much do you really know about the Post
Office? Did you know?
Know Don't Know
[] [] Post offices are the largest utility in the U.S.
(including Alaska)
[] [] General Ruckelshaus in 1981 started a petition
AGAINST the O-zone layer.
[] [] "Cold Fusion" will make the Post Office obsolete
by 1994 unless it's too hot by then.
[] [] A defective O-zone caused the explosion of
the Challenger.
[] [] There are enough 5-didgit Zip Codes allready to
cover the entire United States (including Alaska)
until 2050.
SO WHAT DOES IT ALL ADD UP TO! The Post Office wants to make your
5-didgit Zip Code 9/5s as long by adding another 4 didgits. That
will make the United States MUCH LARGER so that people will not be
able to find each other to oppose the Russians. We'll have to use
the post office to talk to our next-door neighbors! Since Alaska
is the biggest state, already, it will get much larger. When things
expand they heat up, adding more Greenhouse Effect. The Post
Office won't have to be obsolete and the beaches of Moscow will
look like Acapulco. If multiplying by 9/5s doesn't do the
trick, they'll ADD 32!
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So what can I do about this?!
Call (NOT WRITE) your Congresswo/man and TELL HIM/HER ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS!
Alot of people can't talk well on the phone so here's
what you can say if you can't:
Hello, honorable Congresswo/man _________! I and alot of other Americans
in your district are worried about the Senate, the Russians, and the
Greenhouse Effect. We feel that you should stand behind President Bush
against the Metric System and for "Cold Fusion", and you should also
support his constitutional Amendment to outlaw the Greenhouse Effect.
We all think you did a good job on Ma Bell and now you should look at
the Post Office. For your own safety do not lick any stamps your self.
If we make Russia take Alaska back, they couldn't blow it up. I
believe there may be a Bio-Death fatality across the country if these
steps are not taken.
Sincerely, _________. (different blank than above)
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After being read, give this to someone you can trust. DO NOT MAIL THIS!!
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End of SubGenius Digest
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