Today's Topics:
United Space Federation update
Stranger than Doonesbury
Deactivating, look out!
"Wear a Jiffy on your stiffy" - Jiffy Condoms
too wierd for fiction
SubGenius Digest #399
U.S. Gov't. tax forms
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Message-ID: <C4FA33A8EDFF0099B4@rvax.ccit.arizona.edu>
Date: Wed, 14 Mar 90 22:49 MST
From: LIPPARD@rvax.ccit.arizona.edu
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: United Space Federation update
I got some nifty new stuff from the United Space Federation and Rick
Dobson (identification number 0000001) this week. He sent me a
copy of the "First Official EBOD Report," dated January 28, 1990.
(EBOD stands for "elected board of directors," of whom none are
named in the report.)
Things seem to be really taking off for the USF. Contributions have
been received from Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Sicilian
Delight Pizzaria (sic, also misspelled on another page as Pizziria),
Yogurt/Bananas/South Filly Steaks, and the Coddington Restaurant.
A few choice quotes:
"At present 10 different countries have taken interest in the United
Space Federation, and papers are presently pending with the United
Nations for NGO status. Papers are also pending with the Department
of State, of N.Y. State for Official not for profit status."
"The United Space Federation only needs three Directors to become
official; But my goal is to establish the full 12 member Board by the
end of FEB 1990."
"FUTURE PROJECTS OF THE ORGANIZATION ...
"G) Supporting, promoting, building and operating spacecraft to
explore the solar system, using manned crews. The first
international solar cruiser will be designed to accomodate (8) United
Space Federation crew members. (10) scientists from varying
specialties and backgrounds and (2) engineers involved with the
spacecraft design and construction. The solar cruiser shall use liquid
fuelds for orbital operations, fission or fusion fuels for interplanetary
operations. The solar cruiser shall be constructed to provide both
gravity on [I think he means or, or and] non-gravity working and
living spaces for the crew. The solar cruiser shall be able to operate
for three years independently from outside sources, and 5 years with
in space resupply of food and life supporting elements. The
spacecraft in entirety will be reusable upon completion of each
mission, by being reconditioned in earth or moon orbit and then
being refueled for the next mission."
"UNITED SPACE FEDERATION BY-LAWS ...
"5) Any harm to USF personnel, resources, missions or programs by
countries, governments, organizations, or persons will be considered
as an act against all members of the SPC [Space Planning Commission]
and SRC [Space Regulation Commission] and will be prosecuted with
the maximum severity by the SPC, SRC and the United Nations. All
USF members are unarmed and the USF maintains neutral
international status at all times."
"10) Any USF member, officer, or employee, found guilty of
espionage in the performance of their duties by the SRC, the SPC, and
the EBOD, will be sentenced without delay. Any accomplices or
supporters of this crime outside of the USF will be referred the SRC
and SPC so that action can be taken against these persons for crimes
against the international community. No form of espionage against
the USF will be tolerated."
"14) All USF members will be issued an I.D. card and I.D. tags which
must be worn on their persons at all times."
"16) All USF officers and employees will receive all housing uniforms,
official travel expenses, USF related training, and three meals a day
free of charge." (At his mom's house, no doubt.)
Dobson's got this really elaborate hierarchical organization set up,
with lots of militaristic terminology (just about everybody's title has
the word "officer" in it). It's all quite amusing.
"Long live the Federation!"
Rev. Jim
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Message-ID: <sZzvPFa00jWKM0KW0Y@andrew.cmu.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 10:37:53 -0500 (EST)
From: Chris Koenigsberg <ckk+@andrew.cmu.edu>
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
Subject: Re: Stranger than Doonesbury
A pair of University of Pittsburgh students have been selling their
"Pitt Panther" condoms, with a panther on them, for a while here -
apparently each condom is individually packed to look much like a
matchbook.
There was an article in the CMU campus paper about them yesterday.
They're having trouble getting retail stores to carry them - the clerks
in the local stores would love to, but the regional managers/bureaucrats
are too afraid.
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Message-ID: <9003151649.AA01898@puffin.sun.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 08:49:43 PST
From: Marianne Kreuscher <mrm@sun.com>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Deactivating, look out!
"deactivates fertilization" - neat-o term! Is that like defusing a
bomb? Technology is so totally cool!!
Anyway, Dr Bronner's innumerable qualities notwithstanding, my 17
children testify to the fact that, alas, Bronner's Birth Control is
really a conspiracy of the Pro-Life(TM) faction...
Coca-cola is another matter entirely - cf. Frank Zappa's
Autobiography.
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Message-ID: <9003151932.AA04759@media-lab>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 14:32:37 EST
From: Steve Strassmann <straz@media-lab.media.mit.edu>
To: mt@media-lab.media.mit.edu, subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: "Wear a Jiffy on your stiffy" - Jiffy Condoms
I called Custom Condoms up yesterday - they have a patent pending on
the Knight Light, and claim it's the only glowing prophylactic in the world.
They contracted production out to "an asian manufacturer". They oughta
hit the streets in about two weeks.
They also make bright red Cupid condoms and "Dick & Jane" condoms
(available in Boston at Newbury Comics):
See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane play.
[stick figure of Jane, pregnant]
Don't be a Dick.
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Message-ID: <9003151852.aa10397@mintaka.lcs.mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 17:07:15 CST
From: My Alter Ego <UC482529%UMCVMB.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: too wierd for fiction
Some of you may have seen me sign postings as "Herr Doktor Vladimir
Restemkowski", or more often simply "Vlad". This name basically
came to me out of the blue a couple of years ago, when I first began
perpetrating minor acts of mindfuck upon the unwitting citizens of
fair Columbia, MO. The "Restemkowski" was just a random assemblage
of Slavic-sounding syllables.
Now what do I see in the paper but a reference to a "Representative
Dan ROsteNkowski (D-Ill.)" (Some frenetic demopublican who proposes
taxing thru the roof to support deficit reduction. PINK FOOL; doesn't
he realize WE MUST SPEND MORE?!) Something must change. Since the clench
(Right-Wielding Megazpazm PzychoBorg !Murching Band & Chowder Zociety Of
Greater Lower North-Eaztern Mid Miszouri, thank you.) doesn't have
the requisite amount of cash in its coffers to fund some wet work,
(I'm still working on getting the Bobbies into appropriate sacrificial
form...) I shall have to change *my* name.
Hm... Yes.
Herr Doktor Vladimir Bush, at your service.
"Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. A part of the family from Eastern
Europe that George doesn't like to talk about much. Yes, the cheap
bastard won't even let us fly on Air Force One."
-V. Bush, PsychoSurgeon To The Publick.
"Pass me another bottle of the Dr. Bronner's, my child... I feel the chills
coming on again."
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Message-ID: <9003160159.AA16516@psyche.mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 20:59:09 EST
From: Michael Turyn <mturyn@psyche.mit.edu>
To: SubGenius%MC.LCS.MIT.EDU@mintaka.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Re: SubGenius Digest #399
Tell your friend that he will NOT get pregnant if he uses Dr Bronner 's in
this fashion. His female partner might if there is ``natural'' intercourse
or if he has bad aim.
Dr Bronner claims that an half lemon, squeezed, is an effective method
of birth control, being effectively a barrier (the lemon) and a spermicide
(its low-pH juice). He then recommends rinsing with his soap, heavily diluted,
to return the vagina to its normal pH [see Ref. 1].
Problems: The lemon is a bad barrier.
The juice, even pulp, is not persistent enough to
make up for the above failing (as is the case
with spermicidal jelly and the standard diaphragm).
The lemon would seem to be uncomfortable to the man.
There is too much mucking about with pH here; I can easily
see the Bronner 's killing those lining--cells that
the lemon juice didn 't. This leaves a bunch of sites
just waiting for infection.
This method is probably not as bad as trusting to luck. The lemon
dodge is always mentioned in cervical cap histories [DIGRESSION: These always
claim that the Egyptians used crocodile dung, but never refer to the device
so made as a `cervical crap']; Casanova is said to have used the lemon, but
he did not maintain adequate control groups, and was therefore forced to
publish outside the mainstream of the technical literature [Ref. 2] (despite the
admirable zeal with which he attempted to get good statistics by increasing
his sample population to the extent allowed by human, and indeed, Yeti
limitations).
The cervical cap typically available from feminist women 's health
centres is a better deal than the diaphragm, if it can be worn comfortably.
1.) E. Bronner, ``Dr. Bronners 18-in-1 Soap'' (gallon jug),
(All-One-God-Faith: Ecinadas 1986).
2.) J.-J. Casanova, ``Memoirs'' (Presse Olympique: ``Paris'' 1926).
Acknowledgement:
Some of the research for this article was supported by the National
Science Foundation through its grants PHY8506593 and PHY8705107.
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Message-ID: <9003152345.aa23497@mintaka.lcs.mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 90 21:41:30 CST
From: "Dr. Vladimir Bush, D.D., D.D.S." <UC482529%UMCVMB.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: U.S. Gov't. tax forms
I happened to glance at the back of the W-2 form I received from my
employer. At first glance, it appeared to be the standard random pattern
that businesses print on envelopes or print-thru forms like the W-2, the
intent being to prevent someone from holding the item up to the light and
seeing what's been printed inside. But the pattern isn't just a random
pattern of tiger stripes, like usual. It's characters. Not English;
they look like a wierd combination of kanji and Hebraic, and appear to
have been drawn with a nib pen. They're laid out in a regular grid, and
are set very close together. The printing repeats horizontally every
2.75 inches or so across the form, but I can't find any vertical
repeat printing. This stuff looks like something out of the Qabbala
or the Necronomicon... maybe it's just a seraphinianianism, but MAYBE
NOT. I'm trying to convince myself that it's just badly printed characters
in a really ornate Olde English font, but I'm not succeeding.
You decide: The only identification for the form that I can find is on the
front: "OMB No. 1545-0008" in the lower left and "16-331690" in the lower
right. Your local public library may carry copies, perhaps?
Oh shit. I just now noticed. 1+5+4+5+0+0+0+8=you figure it out.
-V. H. Bush, wondering just what his cousin is up to there in D.C....
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End of SubGenius Digest
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