Today's Topics:
more Good Ideas from the bible
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Message-ID: <9003241025.AA22399@media-lab>
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 90 05:25:19 EST
From: Steve Strassmann <straz@media-lab.media.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@MC.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: more Good Ideas from the bible
From: loren@sunlight.llnl.gov (Loren Petrich)
Organization: Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory
I think that it would be helpful to consider how the Bible
bangers would react to much of the contents of the Bible, if they
judged the Bible by the same standard that they judge other books. I
know that this posting may look like like an anti-Bible hatchet job,
but when those who blindly worship the Bible indulge in similar
hatchet jobs, it is only fair to treat these individuals the same way
that they treat others.
********** Individual, Sexual, and Family Conduct **********
Nudity -- (Genesis 2) In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were naked.
(I Samuel 19:24) King Saul strips naked and "prophesies" before
Samuel.
"Indecent exposure" -- (Genesis 9) When Noah drank some wine, he got
drunk and let his "nakedness" (King James translation) show. Ham got a
sight of that and told his two brothers. They cover him up, carefully
looking the other way. An angry Noah curses Ham and his innocent son
Canaan.
Raunchy dancing(?) -- (II Samuel 11) David watches Bathsheba bathe and
falls in love with her.
Possible bad example -- David wanting Bathsheba and getting her
husband Uriah killed; in all fairness, the prophet Nathan made him
repent of this tacky action.
Incest -- The children of Adam and Eve, the first two people
(according to the second creation story), had to practice incest in
order to produce children of their own. (Genesis 19:32) Lot's
daughters want to produce some heirs, so they make him drunk each
night and have sex with him. They become the ancestors of the
Ammonites and the Moabites.
Sexual exploitation(?) -- (Genesis 19) Lot wants to protect two angels
from the wicked men of Sodom, telling them that they can have his two
virgin daughters but not the angels. The angels, however, don't need
that kind of help -- they strike the men blind.
Sexual suggestiveness (Bible porn?) -- the whole Song of Solomon. [it
has actually been banned as pornographic when printed separately from
the Bible (Vern and Bonnie Bullough: _Sin, Sickness, and Sanity: A
History of Sexual Attitudes_)]
Just Say No To All Sex (a logical consequence of Bible-banger
opposition to sexuality) -- (I Corinthians 7:1, 7:8) Paul became
celibate, and recommended that course of action for even those who are
married. Jesus Christ recommends removing parts of one's body that
lead one astray; and even says that (Matthew 19:12) "there are eunuchs
who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of
Heaven". Thus, we have a "Final Solution to the Sexuality Question" --
that one should be castrated.
Anti-family -- It is possible that Jesus Christ never married. He was
a wandering religious prophet, living off the charity of his friends
and followers. There is no mention of his wife, if he had been
married; the poor woman (if there ever was such a one) seems ignored.
However, we hear little of other men's wives, so that might not be
terribly unusual. He proclaimed (Matthew 10:35-37) that he was going
to come and set son against father, daughter against mother,
and daughter-in-law against mother-in law, and that whoever loves
father or mother than him is not worthy of him. He also proclaimed
(Luke 14:26) that if you do not hate your parents, your brothers and
sisters, your wife or husband, or your children, you cannot follow
him. His mother? When he was 12 years old, he told her (Luke 2:49)
"Don't you know I must be about my Father's business". At Cana, he
told her off (John 2:4) "Woman, what have I to do with you?" Elsewhere
(Matthew 12:46-50) he ignores his family.
Child Abuse(?) -- (Proverbs 13:24) -- spare the rod and spoil the child.
Polygamy -- David had several concubines, (I Kings 11:3) King Solomon
had 700 wives and 300 concubines, (II Chronicles 11:21) King Rehoboam
had 18 wives and 60 concubines, and (11 Chronicles 13:21) King Abijah
had 14 wives.
Surrogate motherhood -- (Genesis 16:1-4) Since Abraham's wife Sarah
was barren, she gave Abraham her maid Hagar, to have children for her.
She produces a son, Ishmael. There is even surrogate fatherhood
(Genesis 38). Onan refuses to have sex with his brother's widow, and
God strikes him with lightning.
Obsession with prostitution -- Prostitutes are mentioned so many times
in the Bible that its authors seem to reveal a fixation on that
activity, a fixation that is evident even in those who denounce it.
Sexism (it is hard to get a Bible banger on this one, but...) -- In
Genesis 2, Adam and Eve get kicked out of the Garden of Eden just
because Eve was conned into eating that fruit by a certain mischievous
snake. Jesus Christ was rather rude to his mother at Cana. Paul states
that (I Corinthians 11) women are to be subject to men in the same way
that men are subject to God. Also, (I Corinthians 14:34,35) women are
to be silent in church, and should let their husbands instruct them.
(I Timothy 2:11,12) Women are supposed to learn and not teach.
Ethical relativism -- in the Book of Ecclesiastes, we find that there
is a time to do one thing and a time to do just the opposite.
Anti-materialism -- Jesus Christ's assertions that material wealth is
fundamentally worthless, that (Matthew 6;24) "Onex cannot serve both
God and money", that the love of money is the root of all evil, the
one ought to "sell everything one has and give the money to the poor",
and (Matthew 19:24) "a camel [or rope] is more likely to pass through
the eye of a needle than a rich man is to enter the Kingdom of God."
Opposition to moral condemnation -- Jesus Christ said that one should
not pass judgment on others, and that one should not call people
insulting names.
Opposition of displays of piety -- Jesus Christ said that you should
not try to impress other people with how pious you are by praying in
public and looking sad while fasting. This constitutes rejection of
not only official prayers, but of most religious services.
Petulance -- (II Kings 2:23,24) Elisha cursing the children who
taunted him about his baldness [we are told that two bears came and
killed 42 of them] and (Mark 11:13-20, Matthew 21:19-20) Jesus Christ
cursing a certain fig tree because it wasn't in season for figs [we
are told that it died the next day]. His throwing of the
moneychangers out of the Temple may also qualify.
Glorification of alcohol consumption -- At the Cana wedding feast,
(John 2:1-10) Jesus Christ miraculously turns water into wine. He
would certainly be willing to drink it; he is a "winebibber" (Matthew
11:19).
If one is male, one must grow a beard -- The Book of Leviticus
prohibits the "rounding of the corners of one's beard" -- that is,
shaving.
********** Social and Political Questions **********
Pacifism -- Isaiah's prophecy that the lion will someday lie down with
the lamb, and Jesus Christ's teaching that one must love one's enemies
and turn the other cheek.
Anti-business -- Jesus Christ driving the moneychangers from the
Temple at Jerusalem. His anti-materialism may also qualify.
Communism -- (Acts 4:32-35) The early Christians had all things in
common, with the property administered by the apostles.
Extreme punishments -- (Leviticus 20) Adultery is to be punished by
stoning to death [a penalty still used in Iran].
Violence (this and the next bit actually contradict the "pacifism"
part -- but don't expect consistency from these characters) -- the
Bible has almost too many examples to mention. The crucifixion of
Jesus Christ is especially gory.
Genocide -- God decides to slaughter all but 8 of humanity in Noah's
Flood. Also, (Deuteronomy 7:12), we learn that the Holy Land is for
the Israelites, and not for the Hittites, the Girgashites, the
Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, or the
Jebusites; these peoples are to be exterminated without mercy. The
Israelites proceed to do just that; they kill (Numbers 21:25,
Deuteronomy 2:34) the Amorites of Heshbon, (Numbers 21:34,35) the
followers of Og, (Joshua 6) practically all the people of Jericho,
(Joshua 10:28-40) all the people of Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer,
Eglon, Hebron, and the surrounding landscape, (Judges 1:18-19) the
people of Gaza, Askelon, and Ekron, (Judges 3:29) 10,000 Moabites,
(Judges 1:4) 10,000 Perizzites and Canaanites, (Judges 4:16) "all the
hosts of Sisera", (Judges 8:10) 120,000 Midianites, (I Samuel
14:12,13,20) the Philistines, (I Samuel 11:11) the Ammonites, (I
Samuel 15:3,7) the Amalekites, etc. etc. etc. About this last, we are
told that Samuel found fault with King Saul because he did not try to
kill all the sheep and cattle; killing all the people evidently was
not enough. There is an interesting exception, we find (Numbers
25:16,17, 31:7,8) that the Israelites were supposed to kill all the
men and married women of the Midianites; the unmarried women who have
not gone to bed with any man the Israelites can keep for themselves.
Such is the "Final Solution to the Canaanite Question".
Acceptance of slavery -- All of the Bible takes slavery for granted,
and states that slaves should simply obey their masters. (Ephesians
6:5) Slaves are supposed to obey their masters almost as if they were
Jesus Christ himself. The only concession in the opposite direction is
that masters should be good to their slaves.
Rejection of democracy -- Nowhere in the Bible is an elected
leadership featured. The only theory of government featured is the
Divine Right of Kings. The Old Testament refers to the Israelite kings
as "sons of God" (presumably just adopted) and Paul states that
governments (even the Roman one!) are set up by God himself. It is
somewhat surprising that the Bible bangers have not denounced the
American Constitution as an act of rebellion against God, since it
traces ultimate authority to "we the people" instead of God. Though
the Declaration of Independence does mention a God (though not
necessarily the one in the Bible), it seems to treat government as a
purely human invention, with no direct connection to any deity
whatsoever.
********** Theological Issues **********
Food prohibitions -- (Leviticus 11) Pork and shellfish are prohibited.
This chapter also states that rabbits are OK because they are
ruminants, and that of four-legged animals, grasshoppers are OK.
[Actually, rabbits do not ruminate and grasshoppers have six legs]
Pagan influences -- (Matthew 1:18, Luke 1:35) The Virgin Birth story
was almost certainly inspired by the numerous tales of pagan gods
making mortal women pregnant. Even such historical people as
Pythagoras, Plato, and Alexander the Great were imagined to have
divine paternity -- Apollo for the first two and Zeus for the third.
And since Mary was already married to Joseph, a miraculous conception
must qualify as spiritual adultery.
Babylonian influences -- The story of Noah's Flood appears to have
been inspired by some Babylonian flood legends; the long lives of the
earlier people in the Bible appear to have been inspired by Babylonian
legends of early, long-lived kings. Even the first creation story
(Genesis 1) appears to have been derived from a Babylonian source --
the creation epic _Enuma elish_.
Involvements with evil spirits -- Jesus Christ drove out demons on
numerous occasions, and even invited some demons to enter the Gadarene
Swine. These unfortunate pigs then proceeded to stampede into a nearby
lake.
Jesus Christ's Sabbath-Breaking -- (Matthew 12:1,2, Mark 2:27) Jesus
Christ said that it was OK to pluck grain on the Sabbath if one was
really hungry, commenting that "the Sabbath was made for man, and not
man for the Sabbath." Also, he worked some miraculous cures on the
Sabbath. These actions are contrary to one of the Ten Commandments, as
some contemporary critics of his noticed.
Insensitivity to other religions (this is something that the Bible
bangers bitterly bewail when directed at them, even though they direct
it toward other people's religions on a regular basis) -- In the
Bible, all religious practice other than the worship of Yahweh are
labeled "idolatry", the worshipping of statues and the like, ignoring
the possibility that they may only be symbolic of deities.
Religious intolerance and persecution (again, it is pretty hard to get
the Bible bangers on this one) -- Vilification of "idolatry" certainly
qualifies. (Leviticus) Those who worship gods other than the One True
God are to be stoned to death. Also qualifying may well be calls for
the death penalty for having a "familiar spirit" and for witchcraft.
Animal sacrifice -- The Book of Leviticus contains detailed directions
for various animal sacrifices.
Human sacrifice -- (Genesis 22) Abraham is willing to sacrifice his
son Isaac to Yahweh, only to be told at the last minute that it was
only a test. (Judges 11:39) Jephthah proposed to sacrifice whatever
came out of his house when he returned if he won a battle, but was
very disappointed to discover that it was his daughter (and not, for
example a dog) that he had to sacrifice. In the New Testament, we
learn that the execution of Jesus Christ was really a human sacrifice;
one that will serve as substitute punishment of the sins of anyone who
chooses to believe in him (you can be as wicked as you want, but as
long as you believe in Jesus Christ...).
Anthropomorphism -- the God of the Bible is persistently described in
anthropomorphic terms; he (note the male pronoun) is described as
having an abundance of human emotions and "hands" and "feet". He is
described as having made humanity in his "likeness"; the resemblance
necessarily goes both ways. He is also described as having "walked" in
the Garden of Eden and as having a "throne" to sit on. The more
sophisticated kind of theologians have maintained that these
anthropomorphisms are essentially a mental crutch for the purpose of
picturing the otherwise difficult-to-picture, but there is no
statement of that hypothesis anywhere in the Bible.
********** Final Comments **********
And I'm sure that the Bible bangers would despise Jesus Christ
if he appeared outside the Bible. For one thing, they would consider
it self-evident truth that he was homosexual, meaning, of course, that
he was not a "real man." [Sorry if I insult net.gay-people, but that
is just a stereotype] And they would say that a lot of the Bible ought
to be banned -- if they judged it by the same standards as they do
everything else.
I do not deny that it is possible to quarrel with many of
these interpretations; and I would not wish to imply that much of what
I point out is peculiar to the Bible. Sexism, slavery, rejection of
democracy, etc. etc. etc. etc. are hardly confined to the Bible.
And I would not want to suggest that this type of critique be
confined to the Bible. Many other books viewed as sacred by various
people can be analyzed in the same way; they too may well contain
things that their worshippers would dislike. Indeed, I see myself as
following in the tradition of Plato, who advocated banning the works
of Homer and Hesiod (the Greek "Bible") from his ideal state because
they contained all sorts of things that he considered wicked, like
rich feasts and sexual lust and heroes lamenting fallen comrades and
gods laughing. Check out Plato's dialogue "The Republic".
^
Loren Petrich, the Master Blaster \ ^ /
loren@sunlight.llnl.gov \ ^ /
One may need to route through any of: \^/
<<<<<<<<+>>>>>>>>
lll-lcc.llnl.gov /v\
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"Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them" -- Madonna
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End of SubGenius Digest
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