Don "Earthquake" Ober, candidate for commissioner of public lands:
"When we cut down the trees we create jobs, and all of us know and
recognize the most economical and efficient method of removing
trees is what was once caustically and erroneously called the 'slash'
cut method, is now called the 'clear' cut method, and next year will
be termed the 'clean' cut method of logging. Aside from being
economical, this method gives us those aesthetically pleasing open
spaces we so sorely need. Of course those trees will always grow
back; witness, for example, the cedars of Lebanon. As the bible so
eloquently states, 'If your tree offends you pluck it out and make it a
number two peeler.' ... The last major earthquake cracked the dome
and all earthquakes aren't Ober so if you want to shake up the
capitol throw the rascals out."
Red Kelly, candidate for governor: "The importance of this election to
the citizens of our fair state cannot be underestimated. The issues
are broad, high, wide, and handsome is as handsome does. I have
found, however, that the issues are not the issue, for once an issue is
made of the issues and the issues are responded to, they no longer
are issues, but become answers. Because of the above mentioned
dialectical problem, I am responding to some of the more pressing
non-issues facing this state. (1) It has become apparent that
unemployment isn't working but-- (2) Inflation is. I feel we have
done a good job of getting inflation off of dead center and back on
the move again. (3) We must get the girls out of those sweaty saunas
and back on the streets again. This is gradually being done and I can
see the red light at the end of the tunnel on this program. (4)
Because of the energy crisis and potential oil-spill non-issues, we
have been asked to think tanker. What I propose is the importation
of Irish tinkers to fix leaking tankers. In this way, instead of
thinking tankers we can thank tinkers, thereby solving two problems
with the single stroke of a ball-peen hammer; (a) we reduce oil spills,
(b) we help wind down the war in Ireland. It is imperative that the
other candidates grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation
squarely on this issue. It will always be my contention that the buck
starts here, so remember, a vote for Red Kelly is like taking two giant
steps backward so if you believe in my programs say 'Mother may I'
and throw the rascals out."
Brick Pillow reports that Red Kelly got nearly 50,000 votes.
Rev. Jim
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End of SubGenius Digest
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