Today's Topics:
Exerpts from Bakker UPI article:
Hidden Messages
Hidden Messages, pt. 2
magnus maccus vobiscum
Modernizing Communion
Theologically Speaking
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 20:27:48 PST
From: trainor%bill-n-ted.esd.sgi.com@sgi.com
Subject: Exerpts from Bakker UPI article:
To: SubGenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
| CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) - A federal jury Friday ordered jailed TV
|evangelist Jim Bakker to pay his former followers $129 million in a
|fraud and conspiracy lawsuit filed by contributors to his defunct PTL
|ministry.
| [...]
| The suit, filed in 1987, alleged that Bakker conspired with other PTL
|officals and accountants to set up secret accounts that gave Bakker, his
|wife, Tammy Faye, and top PTL cohorts large salary bonuses.
| The jury said Bakker should pay $115 million in actual damages and
|about $14 million in punitive damages. The jurors said Bakker, who earns
|12 cents an hour working at the federal medical center prison in
|Rochester, Minn., should pay punitive damages because he committed
|``common-law fraud.''
| No payment plan for Bakker was specified by court officials.
| [...]
| ``But he did get a cost-of-living increase recently'' at the prison,
|Toms said. ``Now he's up from 11 cents to 12 cents an hour. He still has
|to work more than two hours just to buy a postage stamp.
| [...]
| Bakker was convicted last year on 24 counts of fraud and conspiracy
|resulting from the way he ran PTL and was sentenced to 45 years in
|prison.
Has anyone else seen that priceless photo of the Bakker's with their
puppets? They're all lined up vertically peeking out of a door...
Some quick calculations: Jim must work over one billion hours (actually
1,075,000,000) in order to satisfy the suit (over 169,025 years), not
including interest. You've got to give him some credit though, he built
a religious theme park with money he bilked from Couch-Christians.
douglas "Never Trust A Preacher With A Boner" trainor
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 20:25:10 EST
From: Steven Mesnick <pro-angmar!steffan@alphalpha.com>
Subject: Hidden Messages
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
I wonder if any Cabbalists have ever tried Gematria analyses of raw GIF
files....
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 20:35:55 EST
From: Steven Mesnick <pro-angmar!steffan@alphalpha.com>
Subject: Hidden Messages, pt. 2
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
In re: BO\B
Just goes to show that I should've read a little further in my mail stack.
Next time I won't underestimate this crowd.
Rev. Dr. Lamedh Vofnik, DD
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 14:15:30 PST
From: Gumby Vinayak Wallace <cygint!gumby@labrea.stanford.edu>
Subject: magnus maccus vobiscum
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Date: Fri, 14 Dec 90 10:17:33 EST
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
} Date: Thu, 13 Dec 90 04:25:46 PST
} From: Gumby Vinayak Wallace <cygint!gumby@labrea.stanford.edu>
}
} One parishoner said that she thought she was hearing things when, in
} the middle of the Mass, she heard an order for "a Big Mac, large
} fries and a chocolate shake." ...
At least the Catholics acknowledge the weakness of the flesh, more
than their Holy Roller cousins (or the totally intolerant subG who
insist that if you won't DEVOTE your life to BOB then you JUST AREN'T
SLACKING OFF *ENOUGH* DAMMIT!).
Do any knowledgeable (ex-) Catholics here know if, theologically
speaking, the Transubstantiation trick could work on a Big Mac or Thick
Shake? Could the Body of Christ be embodied in, say, the Hot Apple Pie?
and if so, would the priest have to say "Hoc est Corpus Christi, and
it's really hot, so don't bite into it until it cools off" ?
Well I'm neither knowledgeable, Catholic nor ex-, but surely everybody
knows that the unity of the trinity is expressed by the tripartate bun
that comes with each and every Magnus Maccus. Though of course you
should always ask for yours "regular" -- only Bob is fit to consume
the Big Cheese.
It IS sinister (I hadn't noticed it before) how the canonical order,
and, the one heard over the loudspeaker, were for THREE items...
And how do you say, "You want fries with that?" in Latin?
Frixasne illusque cuperetis?
Optare would probably be better but I think the church would prefer it
as I wrote it. Anyway, the wromans would whave written it
FRIXASNEILLUSQUEOPTATIS and let you figure out what they meant.
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 21:12:55 EST
From: Steven Mesnick <pro-angmar!steffan@alphalpha.com>
Subject: Modernizing Communion
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
I've heard of modernizing the Mass, but substituting Big Macs and Shakes
for wafers and wine is a bit extreme, doncha think?
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Date: Sat, 15 Dec 90 17:12:12 -0500 (EST)
From: Mark Paul Krenitsky <mk2r+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Theologically Speaking
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
>Do any knowledgeable (ex-) Catholics here know if, theologically
>speaking, the Transubstantiation trick could work on a Big Mac or Thick
>Shake? Could the Body of Christ be embodied in, say, the Hot Apple Pie?
>and if so, would the priest have to say "Hoc est Corpus Christi, and
>it's really hot, so don't bite into it until it cools off" ?
Why (ex)Catholics? Aren't we practicing Catholics good enough for you?
As far as I can tell, the priest blesses the wafers(unleavened bread or
something, though there have been whole-wheat heresies) says some magic
words and presto! the body and blood(wine) of our Lord Jesus Christ.
So, could a Big Mac or Hot Apple Pie be the Body of Christ?
Why the Hell not? Though I'd hold out for the Mystic Quarter Pounder
with Cheese, and an orange drink.
Mark Krenitsky
*note to any offended Catholics out there. Sheesh, it's a *joke* son, get it?
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End of Subgenius Digest
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