Today's Topics:
Keeping up with the news of the world
More Scientific Truth
rant
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Message-Id: <9103211949.AA12259@beethoven.MIT.EDU>
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Keeping up with the news of the world
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 14:49:19 EST
Here's the next clue:
} Article: 250 of clari.news.interest.quirks
} From: clarinews@clarinet.com
} Newsgroups: clari.news.interest.quirks,clari.news.law.police,clari.news.interest.animals
} Subject: Aborigines flay police, eat evidence
} Keywords: international, quirks, human interest, police, legal, animals
} Date: 9 Mar 91 05:14:35 GMT
} Location: australia
} ACategory: international
} Slugword: kangaroos
} Priority: regular
} Format: regular
} ANPA: Wc: 303; Id: a0098; Sel: na--i; Adate: 3-9-12mes
} Codes: yihorau., yilprxx., yiharau.
}
} ALICE SPRINGS, Australia (UPI) -- Police trying to arrest a stubborn man
} sitting in the middle of the road were attacked by a dozen frenzied
} aborigines who belted them with frozen kangaroo tails and then ate their
} weapons.
}
} The weird melee happened at Ti Tree, an outback town 100 miles north of
} Alice Springs, Senior Constable Mark Coffey said in Alice Springs Court
} Friday.
}
} Coffey and tracker Jimmy Hines were called out Thursday night to remove
} a man sitting in the middle of Stuart Highway, the main road running
} between Adelaide in south Australia to Darwin in the Northern Territory.
}
} A fight followed and the police were forced to retreat to the police
} station.
}
} When two more police arrived at the station, the force moved out again
} to arrest the man, still sitting in the middle of the highway.
}
} ``The police were then set upon by about 15 aborigines flaying the
} frozen kangaroos tails,'' Constable Coffey said. ``I feel as if I've
} played in five tough football matches. It was like being belted by a
} lump of hard wood.''
}
} The manager of Ti Tree Roadhouse, Gregory Dick, who sells the frozen
} kangaroo tails with the fur still on for about $2 a pound, said the
} attack ``was pretty funny to watch.''
}
} ``It was pension day (welfare payment day) and I suppose I sold about 20
} to 30 tails,'' Dick said.
}
} ``When the fight started, people ran amok, women, fellas, the whole lot.
}
} ``The tails were better than a nulla nulla (an aboriginal war blade) and
} were about about as lethal,'' Dick said.
}
} ``It was dangerous in a way. The tails of big boomers (giant red
} kangaroos) are a meter long and weight up to four kilos, but it was good
} to watch.''
}
} After the fight, the police could not place the weapons into evidence.
}
} The tails had been eaten.
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Gary L. Dryfoos | "...onlookers were
|ARPA/Internet: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu | overwhelmed with
| UUCP/Usenet: ...mit-eddie!athena.mit.edu!dryfoo| a fear that lasted
| Phone: (617) 253-0184 / (617) 864-4248 | for several days."
| USPS: P.O. Box 505 Cambridge, MA 02142 |
+=============================================================================
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Message-Id: <9103211944.AA12253@beethoven.MIT.EDU>
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Cc: well!ces@apple.com, pro-angmar!steffan@alphalpha.com
Subject: More Scientific Truth
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 14:44:28 EST
(From The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1. Copyright
1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center,
Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced
entirely without permission.)
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also
offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of
20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely
Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon- taneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting
this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That
This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to
the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 1991 20:30:19.53 MST
From: 2wsa044%GC.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu
Subject: rant
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Message-ID: <9103212230.aa05974@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
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End of Subgenius Digest
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