Today's Topics:
BIM BIM BIM, zub..
the source
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Date: Thu, 23 May 91 21:40:31 -0700
From: 60312000 <grendel@ucscb.ucsc.edu>
Message-Id: <9105240440.AA01573@ucscb.UCSC.EDU>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: BIM BIM BIM, zub..
These signs have been discovered around the world. They are 100%
GENUINE AUTHENTIC proofs of alien visitors infiltrating our homes
and businesses. Beware. Xists are known for their inability to
speak clearly. Zub zub zub
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
In a hotel room in Munich: In your room you will find a minibar which
is filled with alcoholics.
Back in the '50s when Douglas MacArthur was rumored to be running for
president of the US, a group of MacArthur backers in Japan stretched a
banner of support across a busy street. The banner read:
WE PRAY FOR MACARTHUR'S ERECTION!
As, I'm sure, did every loyal American (particularly Mrs. MacArthur).
Rev. 23Grendel13013
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Message-Id: <9105240514.AA00342@twitch.media.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: the source
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 01:14:50 EDT
From: Michael Travers <mt@media-lab.media.mit.edu>
Found in a deallocated-but-not-erased block of a hard disk. Please
send modifications back to the author. Why does it not surprise me
that "God" programs in C?
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
...and so on.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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