Today's Topics:
Your family tree doesn't fork
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Date: Wed, 10 Jul 91 10:26:11 PDT
Message-Id: <9107101726.AA22887@ingres.ingres.com>
From: ArE wE nOt PrOoF tHaT tHe UnIvErSe Is NoThInG bUt A dRoOlInG iDiOt WiTh No fAsHiOn SeNsE? <francel@ingres.com>
To: "Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu"@mtxinu.com
Subject: Your family tree doesn't fork
yOu kNoW yOuR A PiNk iF:
Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take
the wheels off.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home.
You consider a six-pack of beer and bug-zapper quality
entertainment.
Less than half the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the state patrolman to "kiss her ass."
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano
recital.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.
The Neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and
the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
The most common phrase your hear at your family reunion is
"what are you looking at, Shithead".
You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.
You think campho-phenique is a miracle drug.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures
were taken.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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