Today's Topics:
Administrivia
Are you now, or have you ever...?
Ashes to the back seat
Commercial trap
He's not really black, he's pink!!
NEW SURGERY RECOGNIZES THAT SIZE MATTERS
presidential anagrams
Pure Pink
Religious persecution in the news
remember tony alamo!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
To: aviation@mc.lcs.mit.edu, paganism@mc.lcs.mit.edu, sca@mc.lcs.mit.edu,
scheme@mc.lcs.mit.edu, subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
cc:bug-digest@mc.lcs.mit.edu, postmaster@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Administrivia
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 91 21:40:10 EDT
From: cent@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Message-ID: <9108012140.aa06463@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Why the digests disappeared for a week:
MC decided to die last weekend; its disk controller collapsed. When that
was replaced, we had hoped to be able to bring the system back up intact.
Unfortunately, that was not to be, and one of our system hackers had to
spend a couple days he didn't really have reloading files from the most
recent full dump and otherwise patching the file system back together. The
most recent full dump was about a month old; that is why some of you have
received a few digests of month-old material. However, we believe that
very little recent mail has been lost. The digestifier is running full
steam to pack it into digests and our mailer is getting it on the net as
fast is it can (it's a little machine, so it's doing a lot of huffing and
puffing). By the time you read this explanation, you will probably have
received all the recent material which was backlogged. We regret the
inconvenience.
You folks who read the digest material as netnews: that's why this half
of the world hasn't been responding. Give them a day or two to catch up.
Pandora Berman, for Digest Central
------------------------------
Message-Id: <9107311844.AA18816@thelonious.MIT.EDU>
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu, dryfoo@athena.mit.edu
Subject: Are you now, or have you ever...?
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 91 14:44:13 EDT
I found this in among some old papers. The original is blurry, in
purple mimeo ink, on white paper with an Atlantic Duplicator watermark.
I don't remember it from my own junior high days, but the categories are
certainly consistent with my long-since shredded memories of that Little
Bit o' Hell on Earth.
Some items (eg. 8, 12, 17, 24) apparently involve the strategic movement
of large numbers of recalcitrant anarchists out of the cafeteria and
then back into the school; and I seem to remember 15 daily minutes of
post-lunch "no horseplay" in an exercise yard. On purely internal
evidence, I'd have to say this was from my own beloved Lincoln Jr H.S.
Not high school, certainly -- even in those halcyon days, no HS
detention list would have omitted smoking as a detainable offense.
(Now, of course, the gradeschools are probably frisking for assault
rifles.)
I don't remember when I picked this up, but I wish I'd made better use
of it back then as a handy checklist. There are whole categories of
offense that I never considered. If I'd put my mind to it, I could've
easily completed the whole list is a few months time, and gotten it
autographed by the Asst. Principal. (Youth is wasted on the young.)
-- dr foo
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| |
| |
| Cafeteria Detention Name____________________________ Date____ |
| |
| ____1. Abusive language |
| |
| ____2. Cutting in on line |
| |
| ____3. Cutting lunch |
| |
| ____4. Clean-up not done properly |
| |
| ____5. Dangerous horseplay |
| |
| ____6. Eating outside |
| |
| ____7. Eating in the aisles |
| |
| ____8. Entering school without permission |
| |
| ____9. Flat tire, use of. |
| |
| ____10. Inciting to riot |
| |
| ____11. Late to lunch often |
| |
| ____12. Line up in wrong area |
| |
| ____13. No Go area, in a. |
| |
| ____14. Out of assigned seats with no legal reason |
| |
| ____15. Physical contact |
| |
| ____16. Pushing on line |
| |
| ____17. Prepared to go outside, not. |
| |
| ____18. Seats, failure to stay in assigned |
| |
| ____19. Shooting straws |
| |
| ____20. Shouting in cafeteria |
| |
| ____21. Shouting in halls |
| |
| ____22. Straws outside the cafeteria |
| |
| ____23. Table pounding |
| |
| ____24. Talking after the whistle |
| |
| ____25. Throwing food |
| |
| ____26. Tray, failure to use a |
| |
| ____27. Other |
| |
| ____28. Questioning the authority or credibility of the teacher |
| |
| ____29. Lying |
| |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Gary L. Dryfoos | "He doesn't have to shoot
| Internet: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu | you now."
| Usenet: ...mit-eddie!athena.mit.edu!dryfoo |
| Phone: (617) 253-0184 / (617) 864-4248 | -- B. Bunny
| USPS: P.O. Box 505 Cambridge, MA 02142 |
+=============================================================================
------------------------------
Message-Id: <9108012011.AA28874@enet-gw.pa.dec.com>
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 91 13:11:42 PDT
From: "That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. 01-Aug-1991 1558" <callas@eris.enet.dec.com>
To: eristocracy@eris.enet.dec.com
Subject: Ashes to the back seat
From: DECPA::"tamar@megafs.man.Camex.COM" "Tamar Krichevsky" 1 August '91 3:27 pm
To: callas@eris.dec.com
Subj: ashes to the back seat
Cremated Remains Found In Camper, Not Scattered In Ocean
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. (AP) _ Margaret Boozer of Myrtle Beach
thought her ex-husband's cremated remains were scattered over the
Atlantic Ocean this spring.
She was wrong.
His ashes were discovered in the back of a camper her son sold
to a Socastee auto dealer in June.
Rich LeMin was trying to sell the camper last month when he and
his potential buyer found a plastic container in the back. When
they pried it open, they found a bag with a cremation certificate
on the side bearing the name of Norman L. Crosby, the place and
date of his cremation and the funeral home.
``I was shocked,'' Boozer said Wednesday. ``I opened the paper
and saw his name in front of me. I thought my son had put him in
the ocean.''
Her son, Ricky Crosby, had traveled to the Grand Strand this
spring on the camper from New Mexico, she said. He and his wife,
Karen, stayed for a few months, then sold the camper and truck and
went back to New Mexico.
LeMin bought the camper in June from Betty and Robert Smith. It
is not clear how the Smiths got the camper from Crosby.
But Crosby apparently forgot to take his dad's ashes with him.
``He didn't take good care of them,'' said Norman Crosby's
daughter Sheila McEachron, of Myrtle Beach. ``Evidently, he didn't
clean up the camper very well.''
Boozer said her son was very close to his dad and is puzzled
about why he didn't scatter the ashes over the ocean as he said he
would.
``The only thing I could think of was maybe my son didn't want
to get rid of the ashes,'' she said. ``I thought he had put him in
the ocean. But when he left, he must have forgotten him.''
McEachron said she plans to get the ashes back from Horry County
authorities.
``I'm going to go get them and take care of them myself,'' she
said. ``I don't like them floating around everywhere, and I don't
want anyone else to have them.''<
AP-DS-08-01-91 1436EDT<
------------------------------
Message-Id: <9107271405.AA26834@enet-gw.pa.dec.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Jul 91 07:05:20 PDT
From: "Alan H. Martin 27-Jul-1991 1006" <amartin@tle.enet.dec.com>
To: bob@tle.enet.dec.com
Subject: Commercial trap
Set: a sparsely furnished loft. The back wall is white-painted brick, lit
from a few overhead fixtures. Prominently centered in the background is a
refrigerator.
Half a dozen drably dressed people are scattered about the room, slouched on
stuff, looking down. There is an air of malaise; the only sound and motion is
someone tossing cards dejectedly on the floor one at a time. Slack has fled;
everyone is dying of boredom.
Subtitle:
These people are trapped in a commercial.
Camera moves in, hand-held. The cameraman has almost conquered what 'flicted
him during that Nissan gig a few years ago.
Subtitle:
Tell them the Miller Lite is in the fridge.
Slight pause.
Closeup of the guy leaning on the refrigerator. He pounds the top, and the
door swings open...
Music starts. Strong beat and soulful singers keeps pounding home the theme:
"Miller Lite it's it; that's that".
The refrigerator contains lines of Lite bottles, back lit. The guy grabs two
fistfuls from the top rack. (Subtitle flashes, fine print: "(c) 1991 Miller
Brewing Co., Milwaukee WI". Of course).
Viewed at an angle (as in the lair of _Batman's_ foes), a neon Miller Lite
sign blinks to life. Pan to show a new woman dancing, a beer in her hand,
enjoying herself immensely.
Full shot of the room. Suddenly two dozen people are dancing to the music.
Subtitle:
They all love you.
In the foreground dances One Fabulous Babe: she's got an open-mouthed smile,
wavy blonde hair down to her waist, a loosely fitting red dress with spangles.
She sweeps her hair around in a circle.
Subtitle:
They want you to join their party.
The Fabulous Babe notices the camera; she sidles closer.
Subtitle:
Go stand next to your TV.
The Fabulous Babe makes eye contact and starts dancing with the camera.
Subtitle:
Veronica wants to dance with you.
Good, now we know her name. Veronica dances twistingly back, maintains eye
contact all the while.
Subtitle:
Tell her Miller Lite is what beer is today.
Veronica continues twisting and shimmying; even when swinging her arms aside
her head, she never loses eye contact, never loses that open smile.
Subtitle:
The great Pilsner taste keeps you ahead of it all.
Veronica dances on. She looks the camera up and down, approvingly.
The
Lite
logo appears in the lower left corner.
The "L" and "e" disappear and reappear once, leaving
it
as the music continues beating into us that
"Miller
Lite
is
it
that's that"
Subtitle:
Attention women:
Veronica closes up to the camera, dances up against a pillar. Still smiling,
still maintaining eye contact as she slides down the pillar.
Subtitle:
Watch for our "Dance with Bob" commercial.
Coming soon.
Fade out.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 91 08:57:03 PDT
From: "Don't ya wanna hang out with the Bleach Boys, baby" <metaware!sol!rickh@uunet.uu.net>
Message-Id: <9108011557.AA08619@sol.metaware.com>
To: uunet!mc.lcs.mit.edu!Subgenius@uunet.uu.net
Subject: He's not really black, he's pink!!
Cc: adam@whim.santa-cruz.ca.us, sol!devonh@uunet.uu.net
One Toke Under the Line: Pot Quiz for Justice Wannabes
by Richard Leiby, Washington Post Staff Writer
So apparently it's okay to have smoked a little dope. Provided,
of course, that you were still in college, *experimenting*, because
it was the '60's then and people did nutty things. Like wearing
sunglasses at night, which seemed cool at the time, but was stupid,
really.
That's how the White House officially distinguishes Supreme Court
nominee Clarence Thomas from Douglas Ginsburg, whose nomination
crashed and burned a few years back when it was disclosed that he
had indulged in reefer into his thirties.
We asked the White House yesterday to spell out any of the
president's additional criteria pertaining to a marijuana-use
statute of limitations in judicial appointments. A spokesman
informed us that there were none. This made us suspect duplicity;
we suspect the nominate/don't nominate formula falls into the
same gray zone as highway speed limits: Posted at 55, but you're
safe at 62, right?
Surely other factors apply. Your *reason* for smoking. How
*much* you smoked. How *long* you smoked. How *small* a roach
you could hold.
But the White House stonewalled.
It falls to us, then, to figure out the formula to determine
the Thomas Standard vs. the Ginsberg Standard.
Clip and save, in case your name is ever put in nomination for
an appointment to the US Supreme Court. Low score is best.
If you ever smoked marijuana, start with 10 points.
1. How often did you use it?
(a) Once, and only because of unbearable peer pressure, and you
didn't actually inhale. (Subtract 3)
(b) Once, and you didn't like it. (-2)
(c) Once, and you liked it but threw up. (-1)
(d) You own a nitrogen-cooled, nine-hose Turkish hookah. (Add 10)
2. Regarding the credibility of your denial, describe your current
physical appearance:
(a) Jut-jawed Senatorial. (-2)
(b) Bespectacled, Tweedy Professorial. (-1)
(c) Sonny Bono/Cher. (+2)
(d) Deadhead/Dreadlocks. (+10)
3. Length of time since you last smoked:
(a) More than 10 years ago. (-1)
(b) Three to 10 years. (+5)
(c) Three years or less. (+20)
(d) Currently high. (+50)
4. Stated judicial philosophy on marijuana:
(a) Unalterable opposition to legalization. (-1)
(b) Life imprisonment for dealers. (-5)
(c) Life imprisonment for manufacturers of "bongs." (-10)
(d) "Dope will get you through times of no money better
than money will get you through times of no dope." (+5)
5. Degree of temptation you were exposed to:
(a) You were in Vietnam. (-10)
(b) Your girlfriend/boyfriend had a waterbed and a black light. (-5)
(c) You lived in a commune with Wavy Gravy. (+10)
(d) You needed marijuana to help come down from acid. (+20)
6. Your degree of remorse:
(a) The Thomas Concession: "I express regret." (-2)
(b) The Ginsburg Principle: "It was a mistake." (-5)
(c) The Barry Standard: "The bitch set me up." (+20)
Scoring:
0 or less: Justice.
1 or more: No justice.
------------------------------
Message-Id: <9108012011.AA28908@enet-gw.pa.dec.com>
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 91 13:12:00 PDT
From: "That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. 01-Aug-1991 1555" <callas@eris.enet.dec.com>
To: eristocracy@eris.enet.dec.com
Subject: NEW SURGERY RECOGNIZES THAT SIZE MATTERS
From: SKIP::MORRIS "Skip, @BUO/E54, DTN 249-4704 01-Aug-1991 1501" 1 August '91 3:03 pm
To: ERIS::CALLAS
Subj: Now men can make 'em bigger also...
[...]
| NEW SURGERY RECOGNIZES THAT SIZE MATTERS
| San Jose Mercury News (SJ) - Tuesday July 30, 1991
| By: JOHN HUGHES, Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel
| Edition: Morning Final Section: Living Page: 1D
| Word Count: 819
|
| TEXT:
| A MIAMI cosmetic surgeon is basing a new procedure on Aristotle's
| philosophy (paraphrased): "The best letter of recommendation is a good
| appearance," says Ricardo Samitier.
|
| And on a truth most men would rather not hear: Size matters. In medical
| terminology, Samitier's experimental surgery is called Circumferential
| Autologus Penile Engorgement. Less formally, the surgeon calls it
| "designing your own penis."
|
| "This is to add girth," Samitier quickly explains. "I can't do anything
| about length."
|
| But in the widely mythologized and misunderstood world of sex -- girth
| is good. That's according to Samitier, the man semi-famous for his
| proficiency at changing the shapes of mouths. In the circles of those who
| buy their way to beauty, he is known as "Dr. Lips."
|
| "Now," says Samitier, "they'll be calling me Dr. Something Else."
|
| While Samitier talks confidently about the procedure, others are not so
| sure. "It's not scientifically reliable," says Dr. Charles Horton, a
| plastic surgeon from Norfolk, Va., who specializes in genital
| reconstruction. "I view it with some skepticism."
|
| About 20 months ago, a man who came to Samitier for a waist reduction
| through liposuction made a request Samitier had previously considered
| though he never had a willing participant.
|
| "Since I'm going to have liposuction anyway," said the man in his 30s,
| "and I need more girth in my penis, could you put (the fat) there?"
|
| So Samitier put the fat there. "It's really a very simple procedure,"
| Samitier says. "We just inject the fat . . . then mold it into the shape we
| want, suture the needle puncture and that's it."
|
| The new procedure is a variation of standard cosmetic surgery called
| lipo-transplant, which, Samitier says, was developed to "fill in defects."
|
| A local anesthetic, a shot of Valium. Twenty minutes to change it, wait
| two weeks and use it.
|
| Simple. As are the reasons Samitier got 35 phone calls on the first day
| an advertisement ran seeking 10 volunteers for the procedure. (He performed
| the surgery three times before placing the ad.)
|
| "The first patient told me he wanted a bulge in his pants," Samitier
| says. "He told me, 'When I wear my bathing suit, I want something to show.'
| " I've seen thousands of penises, and I'd say his was average size. But
| it's the same reason women have breast augmentation -- to look fuller
| inside their clothes."
|
| Samitier says there may be another application. In cases in which a
| woman is considering vagino-plasto -- a procedure to shrink the vagina --
| her mate might instead choose penile engorgement, which is far less
| complicated.
|
| His are the first cases of penile engorgement, Samitier says, and as
| with any surgery, there are risks. The doctor says he is most concerned
| about infection, but that so far none of the patients has gotten infected.
|
| And there is, he says, the possibility that tampering with the penis
| also could tamper with the psyche, causing sexual dysfunction. He says that
| hasn't happened either.
|
| In two separate injections, Samitier placed 100 cubic centimeters of fat
| into the first patient, which, the doctor says, "essentially doubled the
| circumference of his penis."
|
| "One hundred cc's is a heck of a large amount to put in," says Horton,
| the Virginia plastic surgeon. He foresees a rather unflattering scenario
| should the fat dissolve -- as most plastic surgeons think it would. "It
| could make the skin fatty and flabby and not firm." Three men who have gone
| through the procedure made an agreement with Playboy to not discuss their
| surgery with other media until after the magazine prints the story,
| probably in September.
|
| Samitier, who received his medical degree from Ross University in the
| British West Indies, wants to teach his procedure to urologists. He expects
| news of the surgery to be met with skepticism outside the medical
| profession and with jealousy within it.
| "Other doctors don't think that cosmetic surgeons are doctors," Samitier
| says, "so we have to overcome our own colleagues' prejudices.
|
| "And since most doctors are male and have this deep down insecurity
| about the size of their penises, nobody wants to discuss this procedure."
|
| At a cost of $1,500 to $2,500 -- "depending on how fancy a penis you
| want" -- Samitier says he expects demand for the operation to make him a
| wealthy man.
|
| "This is the first penile surgery since Abraham invented circumcision,"
| Samitier says. "Now you can design your own penis. You can have hills and
| valleys if you want them."
|
| In other words, like other cosmetic cut-and-paste jobs, if you can
| afford it, you can walk away with it. And if it changes the way the world
| sees a man, it also might change the way a man sees the world.
|
| "When (the initial patient) first came in here, he was all slouched and
| meek," Samitier says. "He never looked you in the eye. Now, he's a lady
| killer. The women in this office can't stand him, he's so cocky."
| Copyright 1991, San Jose Mercury News
|
| DESCRIPTORS: MALE; SURGERY
| ?
------------------------------
Message-Id: <9107270802.AA09786@alfalfa.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 23:36:50 EDT
From: Steven Mesnick <pro-angmar!steffan@alfalfa.com>
To: "subgenius%mc.lcs.mit.edu dryfoo"@athena.mit.edu
Subject: presidential anagrams
Omigod! It's the next Saturday morning cartoon merchandising fad. It's
TEENAGE HEBREW GURKHA LOBSTERS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jul 91 15:08:05 EDT
From: drw@bourbaki.mit.edu
Message-Id: <9107271908.AA19240@nevanlinna>
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
Subject: Pure Pink
adam@whim.santa-cruz.ca.us naively asks:
> "Is art as weird and borderline psychotic as jack t. chick's is truly
>100% pink, no hints of slack anywhere?"
Nope. If something is *completely* pink, no slack anywhere, then it's
really a subtle form of Bulldada, and thus slack.
Rev. Stucco Toast spews:
> That's what the zen buddhists tried to say.
As the Zen Master said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with
everything."
Dale
------------------------------
Reply-To: kddlab!atr-la.atr.co.jp!todd@uunet.uu.net
To: The network Clench <SubGenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Cc: Kenneth Goodman <kwg@a.nl.cs.cmu.edu>,
Nicholas Brownlow <ndb+@a.nl.cs.cmu.edu>
Subject: Religious persecution in the news
Date: Thu, 01 Aug 91 11:18:02 V
Message-Id: <3406.681013082@atr-la>
From: stucco toast <kddlab!atr-la.atr.co.jp!todd@uunet.uu.net>,
odd@uunet.uu.net
from the Japan Times, 31 July 1991:
`Priestess' of love convicted as a common prostitute
LOS ANGELES (Reuter-Kyodo)
A ``High Priestess'' who said she had sexual relations with more
than 2,700 men to cleanse them of sins was ordered on Monday to
jail to begin serving a one-year sentence for prostitution.
Her husband was ordered to begin serving a six-month jail
sentence for running a house of prostitution.
Mary Ellen Tracy, whose religious garb was a red strapless
sequined dress and black high heel shoes, told reporters she was
upset about having to go to jail because she is convinced she is
innocent of prostitution.
``This raises real issues about freedom of religion and
expression,'' she said. ``I guess we'll be fighting the battle
from inside jail.''
Los Angeles Municipal Court Commissioner Harry Kohn refused on
Monday to grant any further delays to allow higher courts to
consider her case.
Tracy, 47, who refers to herself as Sabrina Aset, High Priestess
of the Egyptian Church of the Most High Goddess, said earlier she
converted to her ``religion''on April 24, 1984, when her husband,
Wilbur Tracy, 52, had a vision that led him to found her church.
She had sexual relations in sin-cleansing rituals, she said. But
a jury found two years ago that ''sacrifices'' of $100 or more
apid by those ``cleansed'' constituted prostitution. She was
convicted on two counts.
``I support my parents in whatever they do, whether it is deemed
legal or illegal,'' the couple's oldest son, Steven, 20, said on
Monday.
Smart kid.
I think I read about this story two years ago as well, probably on this
list? Does anybody have the archives handy? I plan on WAIS'ing all the
stuff in a couple months; I have everything from the past 5 years except
for one or two digests.
s.toadst,
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 15:03:18 -0700
From: Rex Black <rex@devnet.la.locus.com>
Message-Id: <9107292203.AA413268@devnet.la.locus.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: remember tony alamo!!!
-------
> I just picked up about 40 right-wing christian propaganda
> tracts from this mexican-catholic store front in the mission in
> san francisco. I know they are pink, because they are christian
> straights, but my question is this, "Is art as weird and borderline
> psychotic as jack t. chick's is truly 100% pink, no hints of slack
> anywhere?"
In a similar vein, but--IMHO--with a much higher slack content--was the
propaganda circulated by followers of the "Reverend" Tony Alamo, who
is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of child abuse. For
those of you who haven't followed this story, our man Tony, who leans
slightly to the right of Attila the Hun, started a mission in the 70s
in Hollywood. His specialty was converting the dregs of Hollywood street
life--drug addicts, drunks, whores, etc.--into god-fearing christian
soldiers. Of course, the fact that they happened to be serving in
Tony's personal army and making Tony rich was incidental, right?
Well, Tony finally got in trouble with the IRS, who pulled his tax-exempt
status. (And hey! if L. Ron's Scien-scatology is tax-exempt, I gotta
believe that Tony had it coming.) Around the same time, he took to
punishing his followers' children rather severely: Hence the child abuse
charges, filed in Oklahoma or some such locale. So, Tony skipped bail and
spent the next few years as a fugitive.
During his years on the lam, Tony put together audio tapes and flyers
filled with slams against the catholics, the government, and the various
legal authorities who were persecuting him. One classic was the picture
of our fearless leader G.H.W. Bush giving a nun an open-mouth kiss, with
the caption: "Bush is one of them!!!" According to most of his stuff,
he was being persecuted by a huge catholic-government conspiracy because
he found them out. When he wasn't busy denouncing the powers that be,
he was selling custom-decorated denim jackets to rich Hollywood pinks for
incredibly high prices, running a hardware store that was seldom open,
or organizing a family restaurant.
Well, I'm feeling too slack to continue this missive. So, you make the
call. Tony Alamo: Pink/not-a-Pink?
Rex
------------------------------
End of Subgenius Digest
******************************
