Today's Topics:
cards? did i hear CARDS?
Dave Barry
Dave Barry evangelists
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Message-Id: <9110201610.AA07186@enet-gw.pa.dec.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 91 09:10:30 PDT
From: "Alan H. Martin 20-Oct-1991 1212" <amartin@tle.enet.dec.com>
To: bob@tle.enet.dec.com
Cc: amartin@tle.enet.dec.com
Subject: cards? did i hear CARDS?
>....better still, I heard about two days ago that, as part of a promo for some
>new comix, we will be able to get our hands on the
>[drumroll]
>ELDER GODS TRADING SET!
One of our coffee-table books is the Chaosium "S. Petersen's Field Guide to
Cthulhu Monsters: A Field Observer's Handbook of Preternatural Entities".
Fave line: "Distinguishing Nyarlathotep - Here are some of the forms
Nyarlathotep takes on Earth: ... * _The Howler in Darkness_, the three-legged
monstrosity illustrated to the right, often spotted howling at the moon for
unguessable purposes; ...". The illustrated creature has an erect
cartilaginous tentacle in place of a head, and towers 500'+ above pine
barrens. Definitely makes you want to cut the Crawling Chaos some Slack.
The book would make a good set of Outer Gods trading cards. Too bad all the
public copiers here are B&W.
/AHM
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Date: Sun, 20 Oct 91 11:50:11 -0400
From: Eric Haines <erich@eye.com>
Message-Id: <9110201550.AA23956@juniper>
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
Subject: Dave Barry
Well, the Dave Barry discussion was fun to watch. Good, now I know the
passage was truly plagiarized - I'll pass this info back to Harold Zatz,
and let him have fun tracking it back & ragging on his Caltech buddy.
But, did you laugh? That was the reason I passed it on, of course.
all words in this message copyright (c) 1991 by Eric Haines, all rights
reserved, don't use any phrases or sentences in this message except for
excerpts which can be used in critical reviews.
And remember, Owens-Corning Fiberglas has a trademark on the word Pink, so be
careful out there. To quote DB, "I am not making this up".
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Date: Sun, 20 Oct 91 08:59:58 EDT
Message-Id: <9110201259.AA12870@regin.think.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From: aldo@think.com
Subject: Dave Barry evangelists
Since some have doubted my contention that the exerpt was taken from
Barry, I have enclosed the full text of the Barry article below so that
people can decide for themselves. Perhaps I didn't make it sufficiently
clear that the *entire* exerpt, including the first-person account of
viewing the videotape, is due to Barry. Enjoy.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
BREAK OUT THE DYNAMITE:
ANOTHER IN A SERIES OF EXPLODING ANIMAL TALES
DAVE BARRY
Here at the Exploding Animal Research Institute we have received
two very alarming news items that we are passing along today in the
hopes that you, the generalized public, will finally break out of your
apathetic, selfish, materialistic lifestyles and send us some large cash
contributions.
Item One, submitted by numerous alert readers, concerns the recent
criminally insane vote by the U.S. Senate AGAINST having the federal
government monitor methane emissions from cows. I am not making this
vote up. As you may be aware, cows emit huge quantities of methane,
which contributes to global warming, which has gotten so bad in some
areas that brand-new shirts are coming out of the factory with armpit
stains already in them. So the U.S. Senate (motto: ``White Male
Millionaires Working for You'') was considering an amendment to the
Clean Air Act, under which the government would monitor methane
emissions from various sources, including ``animal production.''
Well, as you can imagine, this did not sit well with the senators
from those states where cow flatulence is a cherished way of life.
Leading the herd of opposition senators was Sen. Steve Symms of Idaho
(``The Exploding Potato State''), who took the floor and stated that the
amendment would -- this is an actual quote -- ``put the nose of the
federal government in almost every place it does not belong.''
So the Senate took out the part about monitoring animal methane,
which means there will be no advance warning when, inevitably, there is
some kind of cow-interior blockage, causing a potentially lethal buildup
of flammable gases and transforming one of these normally docile
creatures into a giant mooing time bomb which, if detonated, could cause
the dreaded Rain of Organs. Have you ever, in a supermarket,
accidentally encountered a cow tongue -- a large sluglike slab of gray
flesh that you couldn't imagine anybody purchasing for any purpose other
than to nail it to the front door in hopes of scaring off evil spirits?
Well, I'd like to know what Sen. Symms would say if one of those babies
came hurtling out of the sky and struck him at upwards of 100 miles per
hour. ``Yuck,'' would be my guess.
I base this statement on a similar situation in Oregon where
innocent civilians were struck by falling whale parts. I am absolutely
not making this incident up; in fact, I have it all on videotape, which
I obtained from the alert father-son team of Dean and Kurt Smith. The
tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out
to cover a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach.
The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the
Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways
and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am
not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking
here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale, and set it off. I am probably guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the
most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the
whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you
hear the happy spectators shouting ``Yayy!'' and ``Wheee!'' Then,
suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound, the sound of
many objects hitting the ground with a noise that sounds like ``splud.''
You hear a woman's voice shouting ``Here comes pieces of ... my GOD!''
Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: ``The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber
fell everywhere.'' One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than
a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting
whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the
sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the Institute we watch
it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is
a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and
ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an
estimate on the U.S. Capitol.
(C) 1990 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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