Subgenius Digest V3 #137

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Wed, 5 Aug 92 00:02:55 EDT

Subgenius Digest Wed, 5 Aug 92 Volume 3 : Issue 137

Today's Topics:

A Thousand Points of Corn?
Fantasy haiku

Date: Tue, 4 Aug 92 19:24:22 PDT
From: Chuck Shepherd <>
Message-Id: <>

WEIRDNUZ.236 (News of the Weird, August 14, 1992)
by Chuck Shepherd

Lead Story

* Billy Milligan, 37, was recently hired to direct a $3
million film based on the life of a serial rapist who
plagued Columbus, Ohio, in the late 1970s and who is
now in prison. Milligan has never directed before.
His only qualifications for the job are that he was a
serial rapist, himself, in the 1970s and was on hand
when Hollywood director James Cameron shot Milligan's
own life story, "The Crowded Room." (Milligan was
found not guilty by reason of insanity and served ten
years in mental institutions until his 20 multiple
personalities "integrated" into one.) [Columbus
Dispatch-AP, Jul92]

Police Blotter

* Des Moines, Wash., police, frustrated by their
inability to convict prostitutes in sting operations
unless sex actually occurred--yet prohibited themselves
from having sex with prostitutes--revealed in April
that they had hired convicted rapist Robert Berdue, 29,
to do the dirty work for them. [Detroit Free Press-
Seattle Times, 4-10-92]

* In April, Velma Ann Wantlin, 28, was given a citation
by police in Houma, La., for improper use of the 911
line after she called to report that her husband was
preventing her from watching the season finale of
"Knots Landing." [Tuscaloosa News-N. Y. Times, 4-11-92]

* On May 15, Laguna Beach, Cal., policeman Jon "Crash"
Fehlman was injured again on the job--this time
suffering a broken leg when a motorist hit his parked
patrol car while he was alongside frisking a suspect.
Since "Crash" joined the force in 1985, he has been
driven into by colleagues in a chase exercise; suffered
bruised heels chasing a prowler; been hit by a
ricocheting bullet during target practice; been rear-
ended by a truck; had his patrol car door slam on his
knee (breaking the leg in two places); and been
disabled with poison oak, smoke inhalation, and
wrenched knees and elbows. [San Jose Mercury News-
Orange County Register, 5-26-92]

* Shawn O'Neill, 42, was arrested in Escondido, Calif.,
in March and charged with robbing Hussar's Jewelers.
He had already been convicted of robbing it twice in
January and was awaiting sentencing. [Escondido Times
Advocate, Mar92]

* Jenny Soukup, 17, was charged with conspiracy to
assist in a drive-by shooting in Russell, Kan., in
February. Several hours later, out on bail, she was
crowned winter sports queen at Russell High School as a
result of a vote taken before the shooting incident.
[Independence Examiner, 2-20-92]

* In July, New Orleans police arrested Donald Simmons,
53, and Cheryl Collins, 38, for breaking into parking
meters, after videotaping the couple's crime. The
police said the two would walk along a street and
passionately embrace every few yards but that that was
a ruse. In reality, there was a parking meter between
them, and Simmons would open it with a key and slip the
money to Collins, who would put it into a bag under her
skirt--all in about 12 seconds' time. A police officer
said Simmons admitted to having practiced the scheme
since 1985. [Washington Post, Jul92]

The Litigious Society

* An Indiana appeals court ruled in April that a
railroad employee's estate was entitled to federal
railway worker compensation payment because his death
occurred in the line of duty. The employee was shot by
a 13-year-old boy as he leaned out the window of his
train for the purpose of passing a note to a co-worker
reading, "Eat a bag of shit." [Baltimore and Ohio RR v.
Taylor, 1992 WL 62770]

* Emoke P. Adams, 53, filed a lawsuit in Cuyahoga
Falls, Ohio, in April against neighbor Theresa Bartlett
for $25,000 for negligently squirting her with a garden
hose. Adams cited "permanent" physical problems and
emotional trauma resulting from the incident. [Akron
Beacon Journal, 4-17-92]

* In March, the families of murder victims Michael and
Susan MacIvor began a battle in Tavernier, Fla., over
which would get Michael's estate. The crucial legal
question was which of the two died first. Both were
found, bound and strangled, in their home in 1991. If
Michael died first, Susan's heirs would get his estate,
because she would have gotten it had she survived him.
If Susan died first, Michael's estate would go to his
family. [Tampa Tribune, Mar92]

* Shauna Raisch filed a lawsuit in Tampa, Fla., in July
against the National Cosmetology Association, alleging
that she was unfairly denied her rightful place on the
1992 U. S. Ladies Hairstyling Team bound for the
cosmetology olympics in Tokyo in October. Raisch
claimed that, after being chosen for the team, she was
kicked off by her supervisor for being 20 minutes late
to a meeting. [St. Petersburg Times, 7-3-92]

The Weirdo-American Community

* Joseph J. Kim, a physician on the staff of the
University Hospital in Columbia, Mo., was charged in
May with sexual assault against at least two female
patients whom he told he was "preparing for surgery."
He told one that, to prepare her to breathe properly
during the operation, he would have to blindfold her
and insert four objects down her throat. The third
object allegedly was his penis. [Missourian, 6-4-92]

Least Competent Person

* Ronald Sturkes was charged in Hicksville, N. Y., in
June with irregularities in taking his driver's license
test. After becoming well known to motor vehicle
department employees by protesting his failure on the
driving portion of the test, Sturkes--27 years old and
white--allegedly arranged for a 55-year-old black man
to impersonate him in taking the written test.
[Edmonton Journal, 7-11-92]

The Diminishing Value of Life

* In Cleveland in April, Henrietta Page, 46, was
charged with stabbing her husband to death as a result
of an argument about whether the dog could sit on the
couch. [Cleveland Plain Dealer, 4-5-92]



Message-Id: <>
Date: Tue, 4 Aug 92 06:37:32 PDT
From: "Alan H. Martin 04-Aug-1992 0939" <>
Subject: A Thousand Points of Corn?

>From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <>
> "Then Bush responded to whether he would drop out of
> the race by holding up a half-eaten ear of corn to
> the questioners, a gesture he did not explain."

It's the punch-line to an old Hekawi joke that was stricken from a 1st season
script as so scatological that even the censors understood it.
P. S. Who else noticed that in the episode with the aluminum siding scam,
they filled the peace-pipe from a bag labeled "'Frop"?


Date: Tue, 4 Aug 92 10:14:29 -0400
From: Mark Day <>
Message-Id: <>
Subject: Fantasy haiku

Joshua Glasser
Drowned horribly in a large
Pile of cold baked beans


End of Subgenius Digest