Today's Topics:
news of the weird
ShorDurMar Assistance Needed!
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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 92 18:33:03 PST
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
Message-Id: <9212310233.AA06025@igc.apc.org>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: news of the weird
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* Three days apart in November, a 40-year-old man in
Taylor, Mich., dropped dead of a heart attack minutes
after bowling his first-ever perfect "300" game (12
strikes in a row), and a 33-year-old man in Fremont,
Calif., had his bid for 300 interrupted by a fatal
heart attack after bowling his 11th straight strike.
[Lansing State Journal, 11-17-92; Los Angeles Times,
11-20-92]
Police Blotter
* James Macdonald and William Shoesmith, both 26, were
sentenced to five years in prison in London in December
for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald
hated his robbery work and had to drink before each
job. For what was to be the pair's last job, he got
fall-down drunk and had to be carried by Shoesmith into
the bank to pull off the heist. The two were soon
captured. [Reuter wirecopy, 12-18-92]
* Richard Shane Collins, 22, escaped from a police
holding cell in Manassas, Va., in November by squeezing
through a 10-inch by 10-inch opening used to pass food
and papers to prisoners. [Washington Post, 11-20-92]
* Police in Key West, Fla., were called to a house in
September to quell a loud argument in which a 28-year-
old woman was accusing her female friend, 29, of
attempting to steal her "strap-on deluxe model"
vibrator, which she said was valued at $90. [Key West
Citizen, 9-23-92]
* An attempt to rob the Household Federal Savings Bank
in Reston, Va., in September ended when a teller, after
reading the robber's holdup note, reached across the
counter and punched the man in the face, sending him
fleeing the building. [Fairfax Journal, 10-1-92]
* An extensive survey of home burglars' work
preferences published in Whittle Communications's
Special Report magazine in September revealed that 32%
like to browse through family photographs while on the
job, 27% like to raid the refrigerator, and 7% watch
TV. Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars
reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute
maximum, 17% wondered what their victims were like, and
59% said a dog in the home was the most effective
burglary deterrent. [Chicago Tribune, Sept92]
Names from Hell
* The vice president of the chamber of commerce in
Clinton, Mo., announced in October she was voting
Republican this year. The veep, Georgianna Bush, goes
by "George." [Independence Examiner, 10-17-92]
* Sentenced in December to 41 months in prison in
Alexandria, Va., for defrauding the federal government
of $150,000 on a contract: Mr. Yassa Yassa, age 60.
[Fairfax Journal, 12-6-92]
* A sampling of legal name changes from Broward County,
Fla., reported by the Associated Press in November,
include chiropractor Joseph Smith, who changed his
first name to "Dr."; and the newly-named Joseph Wier,
who was formerly Joseph Wierdo. [Columbus Dispatch-AP,
Nov92]
* Arrested for sex offenses recently: In October, in
Halfmoon, N. Y., Joel David Slutsky, age 30; and in
August, in Nelsonville, Ohio, Roy A. Comesrunningbuck,
51. [Albany Times-Union, 10-4-92; Athens Messenger,
Aug92]
* The Associated Press reported in September that the
village of Sodom, Conn., near North Canaan,
disappeared, just like its biblical namesake. Though
it still appears on maps, the AP writer interviewed
residents of Sodom Road and the Sodom Corner
intersection, both hallmarks of the village of Sodom,
and discovered that everyone claims now to live in
North Canaan. [[Cape Girardeau Southeast Missourian, 9-
9-92]]
* Charged in St. Louis recently with operating a church
as a front for organized crime was the grand sheik of
the Moorish Science Temple--Jerry Lewis-Bey. [St. Louis
Post-Dispatch, 7-6-92]
* In September, Hollywood screenwriter Jerico Stone,
smarting after losing an arbitration proceeding over a
writing credit for the film "Matinee," attempted to
thumb his nose at the Writers Guild by changing his
professional name to Fuck, pointing out that the word
is commonplace in movies nowadays, anyway. [Los Angeles
Times, 9-28-92]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Taxi driver-in-training Steven Szekely, 25, was
arrested in Rockville, Md., in September and charged
with a string of burglaries. He had called attention
to himself in the course of a conversation with the
driver who was training him. According to the driver,
Szekely changed the subject from casual chitchat and
began writing down the license numbers of cars he
thought contained drug dealers, telling the driver he
intended to find out where they lived so that he could
go rob them later. Then he began talking of dressing
as a police officer and kidnaping a woman to hold her
for ransom and as a sex slave; about the techniques for
mutilating a body; and about how easy it is to bury a
body so dogs won't find it. Grossed out, the driver
stopped the cab and hailed a passing police officer,
and on further investigation, police charged Szekely
with the burglaries. [Montgomery Journal, 9-14-92]
Least Competent Person
* Raleigh, N. C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks,
34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his
foresight in disabling a video surveillance recorder by
taking the camera with him as he fled. Because he
forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was
connected, police found a tape containing a full facial
shot of Brooks reaching for the camera. [Raleigh News &
Observer, 7-11-92]
END
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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 92 23:58:44 GMT
From: "Mitchell L. Silverman" <mitch@cfraix.cfr.usf.edu>
Message-Id: <9212302358.AA104050@cfraix.cfr.usf.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: ShorDurMar Assistance Needed!
Hello, brethren and cistern.
I've been asked by a friend to perform a Short Duration Marriage
tomorrow night. Unfortunately (and in direct contradiction to the Book),
I'm not familar with the the appropriate forms. I have only done one
ShorDurMar in my career (which I did off the cuff), and have no handsome
ShorDurMar certificate (virtual or otherwise) to present to the happy
couple.
So if you can help, I need two things.
1) *Short* liturgical suggestions. I know enough to push the right
buttons, and to make *sure* I state that the wedding is *not* being
performed in accordance with Florida state law (I can prolly even scare
up the chapter and verse....)
And 2) a handsome computer-generated certificate that I can modify or
use. Mac PICT (or Canvas 2.x) would be perfect, Mac or plain-vanilla
PostScript would be okay, and any graphic format (preferably *not*
bit-mapped) that can be massaged into a PICT (and suggestions as to
where/how to scarf appropriate tools on the Net) would be useful, as
would any clip-art, preferably in MacPaint format (which I suppose would
also work for the certificate, low-res as 'tis).
If you'd like, email to me, and if whoever keeps the SubGenius archive
on quartz.rutgers.edu is on this list, I'll send whatever I get there
(especially if someone can de-Macify the Postscript that I produce. Yeh,
that's it! I'll distribute it--as the Gnu General Marriage License!
Marryleft, anyone?)
Thanks in advance for your assistance.
Sincerely,
Rev. Dkr. Mitch, KSC, usw.
Bishop, First Church of Cyberspace
mitch@cfraix.cfr.usf.edu
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End of Subgenius Digest
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